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Cheryl the Stalker
I have a stalker named Cheryl Crisafulli.
Read about it: here
Twitter & the Police Get rid of my StalkerCheryl finally got handed justice after stalking me for over 5 years!
Read about it: here
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It’s so interesting to me to have all of these feelings bubbling up now. Why didn’t I feel them before? And now it is much too late. It feels good to have the memories of my past. I feel connected to Source and at the same moment I realize it’s no longer the same. I feel I am suffering. But I need to. It’s time for me to take responsibility for what I create in others. I am a master at words. I know that. It’s a special gift I have. I have written so many letters recently. With no home for them to go to. Because I’m too ashamed to send them. Or maybe I don’t now if they will even be received well. I hesitate.
I know I have the heart of a lion. But deep inside I’m just a scared little kitten. I’m facing my fears daily. I’m healing. I’m growing. With the help of my friends, I’m finally realizing my life isn’t so bad. I can be me, and be perfectly okay.
I have laughed more than anyone I know. I have loved so deeply. Yet no one has ever stood by me. Except one. She is incredible. She is the reason I’m back here blogging.
I wish her all life’s happiness. And I smile knowing we will speak again soon. I truly love her. And she does know that.
This month we are going to keep it light. I found this book in a Used Book bin. I thought it might be enjoyed by all. The book is called Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris.
Good evening my friends. Things have sure changed since the last time I found time to write on here. I have begun a new relationship. It’s exciting and scary all wrapped in one. I can feel my heart skip a beat when I’m around her. She has all of my attention and I have found myself thinking about her a lot. It’s fresh, it’s different. Very different. And I can’t get enough of her.
Life has a funny way of rewarding me just when I think I’ve used up all of my prayers and wishes for happiness. I know that things always work out as they are meant to, by God’s design. But it sure stays interesting in my life. I am healing an old relationship that used to mean the world to me. We are in a different place and can finally handle being just friends. I have learned so many lessons from her that I can honestly say there are times where she saved me from myself. She is a dear person in my life. And I’m so thankful she’s back. Friendships mean everything to me.
I miss my best friend so much. I really do. It hurts.
I’ve been traveling, working too much, and shopping. Lots and lots of shopping. I spoil myself.
Dang, I’m missing my girl right now. She’s unavailable but it’s the thoughts that fill my mind that keep me missing her. She is beautiful. A keeper. And I can feel her presence.
Love and laughter. That’s all I need in my life now.
All it does is remind me of my greatest expression of love. I sure do have a way with words. 😉
Tell me how you did this. I would like to know how you got so deep inside of my heart. I often wonder if feeling this good is humanly possible. I say this not because I doubt your words and actions, I say it because it is so foreign to me. I’m not used to someone caring about me so much they would sacrifice everything. And I do mean everything. Would it be so wrong to say yes to you and come get you? How can I deny what I feel for you? Your pull on me is so strong. And I am slowly coming your way. At my own pace. It’s the only way to do this.
I feel like I have awakened from a nightmare. And I’m reaching out to you. You are always there for me. Always. You are an unconditional giant. You are a love far greater than I know I realize. But I feel it. I feel it in the way that you are with me. I feel it in the way that we are together. And we are so great together. When things are going smoothly, there are no two powerful forces on this Earth. When we join together in thought and mind, I can feel it in my body. It’s a fire that lights my soul. The only wish I will have once I’m with you is that we have more time. I will need you. It has taken half of my life to find you. Now that you are found, it will take me the rest of my life to love you all that is inside of me. It goes on and on. This kind of love happens once in a lifetime. I have loved before. So have you. But we agree, not like this. I know I wasn’t the first, but I know I want to be the last. And that is better. We take our experiences and bring them to the table. I know now more than ever what it is I can and can not be. I know for sure what I will and will not offer. You will see.
I welcome you into my life. With arms wide open, with a glance over to the mess that is sitting here waiting only for you to straighten up. I am a pile of emotions. I am very spontaneous. I love to travel and try anything new, at least once. If we find a water park ride that splashes and goes fast I guarantee you, you will have to pull me from it. It is the pure joy of life that makes this face smile so much.
What is it that draws me to you. Why you. You ask that a lot. As if I have never told you. Let me put it like this. When you find your soul mate, your one true love, all you want is to have them with you. I ache for your presence. I long for the words we have yet to say. I know that when I hold you, we are going to melt into one physical form. You will fit so perfectly into my arms neither will know the proper time to let go. And that is what is so great, we won’t have to. Love and affection knows no timeline. My love for you has been inside of me all of these years. My heart was calling your name, even before I knew it. I believed in you. I believed in us. I never gave up. I have waited 10 years now to love again. And I did. I have fallen so deeply in love with you its hard to find the right words to express it. That’s why you get things like this. My words, only for you.
I want to take your love deeper than it has ever been. I have never said forever to anyone before. Yet I can say it so clearly for you. Without hesitation of thought or hinderance at all. You are all I want. You are all I need. You are everything. You have become such a huge part of my everyday. When we can not talk, when we have taken a step back from this, it is my worst days. I try to stay positive. But I feel empty. That is the hole that can never be filled. Not without you.
When the sun lights the darkness, where does the darkness go? It no longer exists. That’s what you have done with my pain. It lived inside of me. Lived. Paid rent, ordered from QVC. It was never going away. I walked around carrying it with me. Then came you. And you took it away. So easily. I am in awe of that. I woke up, no pain. Okay it must be coming soon. I kept waiting to feel it. No, its gone. Okay in a few weeks it will come back. Hello, pain? Where did you go? I couldn’t believe it.
Do you believe your heart has been waiting for me? I do. I think that I have come into your life at the moment I was supposed to. Although we have endured struggle, we have always found our way back. It’s because we are meant to be. We were born for each other. I know that when my last days are coming near, you will be all I think about. You are all I think about now. I wake up with your name at my lips. I roll over and reach out for you. And at the end of my day you are always there. In my dreams to bring me happiness and joy. You are ever present. I love that about you. The memories we have created are uniquely us. No one understands it because they do not know how much we love.
I want to hold you now. Writing this letter for you is making me crave you. I can never get enough of you. Have we ever been bored yet? And how long ago did this start? Our communication style is a talk show. We hit 3 topics in 2 minutes and get so excited we can barely stop talking over each other. And the best part is when one of is, mostly me, says something stupid. And then its on. The rare occasions you slip up, I think those are the best moments. Because you know what’s coming. You dish it out, yet don’t like to take it. And it is very very cute. I can hear the Uh oh as soon as try to correct yourself.
You challenge me. Everyday is something new to discuss and ponder. A lot of the times you say something so important that it plays around my head the rest of the day. And if its really good, it takes me a few days to respond. You catch me off guard. I love that about you. It’s not like you know you are doing it. Your unexpected thoughts are the best kind. I don’t think you really understand your intelligence level. You know you are smart, but you don’t know how profoundly smart you are. It is so refreshing to know a woman that not only proves her intelligence by using logic and common sense, but also expects to be respected for the viewpoints that are expressed. I pray more women follow your example in that. So few speak up and state their purpose. Many go with the flow. You, my beloved, are an upstream girl. This means to me that you don’t follow along. You define your own path. Another reason I have fallen so deeply in love with you. I can not sit in one spot all day long and grind out my workday. I am hands on, all in, go hard. I don’t know any other way to be. And you are too. But in a different way. It’s more subtle. I admire you for that. I admire a lot of things about you.
I love that family is so important to you. You make them a priority. You do your best to spend time and do all of the events that turn a day into celebration. I wish I had that in my life. I have told you, I would love to have your life. I would love to have the small family arguments you talk about. At least I would know someone was counting me in. All I have ever wanted was to belong to somebody. And now that my immediate family has gone, it feels more urgent to stake my own familial flag into the ground.
I admire your taste in music. Lord knows it needs admiring Haha Most of the groups you enjoy listening to, I have never heard of. It is such a joy to share songs and artists back and forth with you. We haven’t done it very often, but I know we always will. In this love, I have found strength I never knew that I had. In this love, I have found a sense of home. I dream the things you dream. We have common goals in life. We also have common dreams. That is very important to me. We will not always remain on the same page but at least you will always know I am fighting for us.
Do you remember the first time that we said I love you? I remember the day, the hour, the moment. I remember the feeling slowly building up. It was something that we both had been feeling. We fought it at first. How can this be? How can this even be real? But as we know now, our hearts answer the desires we long for. And I have longed for you all of my life.
I want to take care of you. I know that if I can keep a smile on your pretty face we will have a pretty darn good life. When you smile, I smile. When you laugh, I really laugh. I love that about us. I am so moved by you. Do you know that? You touch the deepest part of my heart and soul. We are connected. I can not begin to explain that. But you know. Too many things that seem like coincidences, have come up and we both know it’s fate. Destiny. Meant to be. It’s such a wild concept. I never thought I would be in this part of my life and falling madly in love all over again. I’m loving every moment of it.
How can I not be moved by you? Can anyone tell me how this can get any better? We are perfectly unperfect. And I love that we don’t try to be what we aren’t. I am just me. You are just you. And that will always be good enough. I would bet the farm on us. I know I can’t lose with you by my side. I love you. I am utter awe of you. Everyday. You are my sunrise in the morning and my night’s moon. Guide me into your arms. I come with open arms and pure love.
Love is not a word that I am comfortable with. It has always been a difficult time for me to understand it. I feel it. I haven’t felt it for a long time but when I do, my goodness. It overtakes every part of my mind. I think about you a lot. Do you know that? I want to give you everything that I am. And let our eternity unfold. I am a better man because of you. I am a kinder soul. You inspire me to be better, do better. And I am trying. I wake up and am happy to be alive. To feel good and start my day with a smile. Even writing those words makes me laugh to myself. I thought that guy had gone away for good. I am smiling all of the time now. I am really happy. I have found my joy again and been released from all of the darkness.
The path that I am on now is only towards you. I can’t wait for all of the things we have talked about. I’m excited to get to know everything about you and your life. It sounds challenging. It sounds that you have been doing it alone for so long already, that sharing yourself with me might be an adjustment at first. But you say you want to. I can’t wait to show you my life and everything about me. I am so excited that I found love again! It’s exactly what I need. And I will take care of you. I want to. I live for that. You are my every desire. Making sure you stay happy will be my top priority. Your wants and need are as important as my own. And I know you will definitely take care of me. You are so loving. So kind. I’m in awe of that. It really is like a dream to me that you exist in my world. And I love you very much.
I needed to be rescued from myself. Honestly, my love, I was drowning. My life had become mundane and plain. Go to work, come home. Repeat. I want to explore. I want to travel. I want to see your eyes light up when I surprise you with anything. I want to feel you when we hug. I know that building on the love we have already created will be such a great feeling. My heart already starts beating faster anytime I am talking to you. I think I had to grieve and really take my own time with it. Time heals all? I guess it does. But you have to want it and that’s the change in me.
I realized something the other night after we got off of the phone. You are happy too. I think maybe you were in a little bit of a bad place too before we found each other. Am I making you feel this way? I hope so. Doesn’t it feel great! I wish everyone could feel this good. There is so much more I want to say to you. So many more stories about my life I want to share. I could talk to you all day and night.
I hope that you are going to read this thing. It started out as just a letter. I figured one page. I don’t exactly know where I’m at yet but I’m going to keep writing until this feels done. Not yet.
I guess I’m feeling inspired to write to you. See what you are doing to me? You came into my life and flipped everything all around. And I’m loving it. I woke up this morning still smiling. I am missing you though. I guess you are busy with your life.
There are so many things I want to ask you. I would make a list but that’s dumb. I will just try to remember next time we get to talk. I am so in love with you today. My chest feels powerful. Like I could do anything. Today is going to be a great day I can feel it. I hope you are having a great day too.
I feel like the time is right for us. I’m not going to hold back. I can’t. I want to open myself up completely to you. Maybe for the first time I will finally let someone all the way in. I have been hurt when I try that. It’s not a good feeling. You make me feel like home. Like I’m finally safe somewhere. I don’t have to worry or get scared about my life going no where. We are flowing along this river just enjoying each other’s company. I probably make a lot of water metaphors. Its because I’m drawn to the water. I always have been. It’s where I am most myself. I can sit and look out at the water and be perfectly happy.
I had to take another break. I’m having a shitty time this afternoon. Things are just not working out. But I am writing you again and I am feeling a little better. I have so much pressure on myself right now. This is really hard dealing with everything. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I want to feel proud of what I’m accomplishing but I don’t feel that just yet. I wonder where you are right now. What are you up to. I wonder if you think about me half as much as I think about you.
The one thing I know for sure is that your love has a power over me. The first time you said I love you I couldn’t believe it. I thought I heard it wrong. I wasn’t sure. Did that really just happen? I was so shocked but happy. And it was so quiet. Like you were worried of my reaction. But it worked out great. I’m smiling remembering that moment. I was at peace with myself. I felt alive again. I needed that. I need you.
You love me. You really do. I am in awe of that. I want you to feel loved. Every day, every moment. When you are having a bad day I want you to tell me about it. Let me try to pick your spirits up. I have big shoulders. When you are questioning yourself or your life, you can talk to me. I hope you know that. I’m a pretty good listener. I don’t really like talking that much. I’ve always been a listener but when I do talk I think I’m saying something of value. Unless I’m being a smartass and joking around.
I want to be your tomorrow. I look forward to what is coming next for us. Us, its such a big word. I want to be an us with you. Thank you for loving me today. Thank you for finding me in this world. I appreciate the kindness and compassion you have shown to me. You are incredible.
When I think about love and how it should be I’m sure I’m being idealistic. I believe that when you love somebody you should say it. If you feel anything, you should share that feeling with someone. I love you should not become a routine phrase. It should catch you off guard. It should come when you are expressing your heart. You should say I love you more than once a day. I think that’s why so many marriages have failed. People have stopped the natural human need for expressing their feelings. I have caught myself not saying I love you, when we have spoken. And I don’t know why I have done that. You always responded very positively. In fact, it makes you let out a soft little sigh. I heard it. I noticed. That was your heart smiling at me. It made me feel good to know you were happy. I am happy too. I do love you. I can say it. I hesitated and worried about saying it. But once I said it a few times it felt comfortable. It felt right. I love you and I know that is just the beginning of it. I feel that our connection is going to grow. I feel that we are working on something that can really be the real thing. The dating life, the engagement, the marriage, kids. Everything I have always wanted. Everything. And you are so open to it. Any direction I want to go, I know we can go. Anything I want to do, I know you will support me. Just as I will support you. I can have a real life. I can be free from all of my family obligation. I can become the man I have always wanted to be. And I don’t have to worry about what anyone says. Because with you by my side I can find out what I really want.
I know that I want you in my life. You mean so much to me. I didn’t think this could happen and it happened anyway. Isn’t life great! You came out of nowhere. You are such an unexpected gift. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. I love you in a way that makes me want to try harder. I want to work hard and earn your trust and devotion. You know that I’m Catholic and you are okay with me being me. You know that I would not hold you back from anything. I want to show you that life doesn’t have to be all that you have known the past few years. It can be so much better. Don’t you see, we can do this. We can build a family life. I can belong to you. And you can belong to me. It’s all I have ever wanted. The love we have started with can be better and bigger than anything I’ve ever known.
What I have realized is, you were meant to come into my life now. Yes it’s scary and yes I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. But here you are. I need to make sure I take care of you. I need to make sure you know that I love you. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I have made in the past. I want to tell you that I love you. I want to say it in a way you believe me. I want you to feel it. Does your heart skip a beat when you know I’m calling you? Does your heart stop when I say I love you? We are so good together. How can this get any better? I know it can. I know it can be the best feeling in the world. I can’t wait to find out.
Do you get lost in thinking about me? I catch myself daydreaming. Wishing you were near me. I catch myself thinking about you a lot lately. It consumes my day. Time flies by before I realize that I’ve spent all day long thinking about you here or there. It makes me happy. I’m smiling. I smile a lot. I’ve always been that way. But now, I’m really smiling. Because I’m in love with you. I daydream about the places we will go together. Daydream about just sitting next to you. You are so beautiful. You take my breath away. Touching your face is a dream to me. I have never seen a more beautiful woman in all of my life. I can’t wait to kiss you. I mean really kiss you. The kind were we melt into each other. I have never wanted to kiss a girl so badly. It’s going to be magic.
I hope you like to hold hands while you walk. I’m a hand holder. I like knowing my girl is close to me. I also want to show you off. So all the other guys know you are mine. It makes me proud to know I have such a beautiful woman on my arm. You make me very happy. I’m so proud that we are taking things at the pace they should be. And we didn’t make a huge mistake by rushing into something neither one of us was ready for. I’m ready now. I’m ready to start my new life. I’m ready for you.
I love you. I am trying to tell you how much. Maybe you won’t even read this letter but at least I’m getting it all out of my head. You have me swimming.
I don’t think I want to know how long this letter has gotten. I keep writing and writing and I still have more to say. I guess this is how men romanced their women years ago. If they can do it, I can do it too. I would love to see your reaction someday when we can read this thing together. I hope it makes you smile. I hope you feel how much I love you. I hope you love me back for all that I have said. I hope. I hope. Did you ever think you would meet a guy like me? I know that I am something special. I have been told that my whole life. I know that I am quiet because I get shy at first. I know that I am more of a listener than I am a talker. But lately, I find myself talking a lot to you. I can’t help it. I’m sorry if that is a bad thing. I just have so much I want to tell you. I worry though that I will say something dumb. I don’t want you to think badly of me. Or say something that I shouldn’t. It’s a balance between filtering my thoughts and exploding with how I feel about you. I know that no matter what happens, you will enjoy reading this. It’s as honest as I can get. You make me feel so good inside. It’s a peacefulness that I have been searching for. I’m comfortable with you. I know what I say matters to you. You listen to me. I’m not used to that. You like that we have long conversations. I put in a good effort. I’m not half-assing my way into your life. I’m a go for it guy. I always will be. And I’m coming for you.
In 20 years I hope we are celebrating another anniversary, enjoying our house by the water, and continuing to be in love. That’s the future I see. I couldn’t think of a better way to share my life. I’ve already found my girl. It’s you. We can build a family, build a house. Do anything. Do you like to sail? I like to sail. I love the water. I would love to own a sailboat someday or maybe that’s too much. Maybe just go on a sailboat for a vacation or something. Boy do I need a vacation. It’s been one thing after another this year. I could use some alone time. Where should we go? Haha
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m sure I’m almost done writing. I hope I haven’t repeated myself. I just love you. I wanted an opportunity to get all of this stuff done in writing so my head wasn’t so full of swirling thoughts. Whatever you are doing today I hope you are having a good day. I hope you know I am thinking about you. Obviously a lot right now. Look at what I have written for you. This thing is really long. I just scrolled back up Haha Sorry.
When you think about love do you start to get excited? Do you feel invincible? That’s kind of how I am feeling right now. I feel like I can find a better way to live my life. I can be a better man and work harder. I feel good. I feel content. I guess I feel normal. Is this how love goes? It’s been so many years since I remember this stuff. Did I always gush all over my girl like this? I don’t remember. That’s sad. I know I said I love you. But I don’t think that I was comfortable enough to express myself this freely. I hope that its okay I’m saying it to you a lot. I feel it, I say it. I can’t help it.
You are making me feel things I haven’t realized about my life. I thought I was happy. I thought being alone was easier than trying to be with someone new. I thought that if I tried to date someone it would end before it began. I’m so scared of trying. I’m scared to love again. Please know that I do love you, but I’m scared of losing you. That thought actually makes me upset. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what I would do if I did. You have come into my life with such a startling reality, it’s beyond definition. I’m trying to convey my thoughts but it’s hard when you feel so much all at once. I’m scared of you a little bit. You are incredible. You are so sweet. I need someone sweet in my life. I’m used to my family being mean and saying bad things. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I don’t have to. You are here. You will stick up for me and help me. You won’t let them get me Haha
I wonder if life was always very simple but I have made it harder. Like falling in love again. I was very opposed to it for years. I hid myself away and only hung out with friends that I knew would not try to fix me up. I controlled everything to make my life the way I needed it to go. But as soon as I decided to start fresh, and really start fresh this time, boom. You came into my life. I wonder how that works. I guess being open to new things in your life opens up the possibility that new things can come into your life. I think that is interesting. Either way, I’m glad you are here. And we can see where this thing takes us. I love that you are so funny. We laugh a lot. I have really missed that. I used to be funny. I’m not that funny anymore. I try to make jokes too but you are so smart. You make me really laugh. And I love your laugh. It makes me laugh harder. Do you realize how much you are changing my life? Do you know, that just being you, you have completely changed everything for me? Do you realize how much I appreciate you? My gosh honey, you have really started something with me. And I’m so excited about our future. There’s a lot of things I want to show you. I would love to lay in bed next to you and read to you in French. I hope you like to snuggle. I secretly love that, but don’t tell anyone Haha I love thinking about how things will be with us. I get lost in that moment. It’s such a good feeling.
I hope you realize that I can be better than the relationship of your past. There is so much more that we can have together. I won’t hold you back. I won’t make you feel unwanted. I just want to love you. I just want to get to know you more. And I can’t wait to hug you to me. I will never let you go. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to this. I was really stuck. I thought I knew how to get by. I know now, that just getting by is not progressing your life. Not in anyway. I need you. I really do need you honey. I hope you know that. You are showing me the way to be. You are making me realize that I can have a lot better life. I don’t have to be alone. It’s scary to say it, but I honestly, don’t want to be alone.
I think the time of my life for being alone has finally passed. I was so good at it. Years and years of knowing what comes next. That’s the fun part of being a couple. You never really do know what is coming next. You bring into my life a whole new way to look at things. Some of the things you say, confuse me. I’ve never thought about things like the way you do. I never even realized I should be thinking about it. I didn’t have an opinion on the last conversation we had, because I was too embarrassed to admit that I really didn’t know. I mean, I truly did not know what to think. You stunned me. You are so smart.
Your intelligence really impresses me. I didn’t know how smart you really were until you started talking about things I know nothing about. It turned me on. And you speak so confidently about it all. I love that. My baby is smart Haha I like that you use your brain and are logical. I like hearing your thought process. It intrigues me. It makes me really listen to what you are saying. I want to learn from you. I want to learn all about you. I know you have told me about your life, but I would like to know more. Always more.
I’m wondering how this letter is going to end up. And if you will ever read it. I wonder if I will ever share it with you. Maybe I am writing this, just for me. So I can express my thoughts and feel confident that what I am feeling is real. I already know it is. Nothing but real love can feel this good. I love you. I just love you. Its going to be such a great life. I’m excited about that. Thank you for helping me realize my life sucked.
Tomorrow when I blow out my birthday candles my wish will be for her happiness in life. She has my heart. She can have my wishes too. I hope she knows that but I know she never will now.
Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday. I’m taking the day off of work. I have no plans and no idea what to do with myself. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow. It really is nice living here. The stores are close. The neighborhood is quiet. I look out the windows a lot. I like my house. It fits me.
There’s only one thing miss.
Where is she?