Weekend update

32f38bbacc2fc5dac65390b2ec43d0b8  I spent Thanksgiving flying half way across the world. Maybe a part of me wanted to run as far away as I could get. Or maybe I needed to fill my hours with more than thinking about things. Either way I ended up in Paris first. The city I love the most in all of the world. I saw my employees and made sure they were all well. We went as a group to lay flowers at one of the memorials. And I prayed. I prayed for all of Paris. I prayed to keep my employees and friends in Paris safe. I prayed for my heart to heal and remember love is more than the memories I cling to.

Then I flew off to Dubai to meet up with 5 of my buddies. They are all stationed in Japan and could not get home in time to spend the holiday with their families. They did manage to get time off just enough to hang out with me. And it was just what I needed. 5 guys telling me to let things go. To look at what is in front of me instead of what is behind me. To think about the next beautiful, amazing woman who will actually want to make a life with me. And how I am robbing that woman right now, of even trying to welcome her in. As they were talking all I could picture was Peyton. It’s confusing.

Peyton is young, beautiful, sweet. She is a dream and would be perfect for me. But she came into my life at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons and I have stuck her in the Friendzone so hard, she’s emotionally pinned on a board. And I refuse to take her down. She wants down. She wants to try to date me. Even now she tells me why am I fighting this. She says she knows things I don’t, she sees in my heart and she knows we can make it work out. I just have to let go and try. It’s the one thing I can’t seem to do. At least not with her.

I am enjoying being alone. I am taking time to heal this loss and feel the sadness. It’s so sad to me still. All of this. By the end of this week I will be removing everything off of this blog about the affair. It’s time to let that rest where it is. Which is nowhere. It feels like I have felt every feeling in the world and it’s slowly draining out of my life. I’m left to figure it out. My life never did fall apart. It sure felt like it. But I was okay. I handled it well. I stayed as graceful as I could and I continued to be who I am at the core. Which is a man completely in love with one woman. I have always said my truth, which is I’m still in love with her.

I know that a breakup takes the time it takes. I also know that staying positive and open will bring into my life the great love I want. But in the meantime, I’m just going on with my life. I’m happy. Maybe a little lonely but I’m okay with that. You are supposed to feel sad and lonely after a deep loving relationship ends, right? I mean I can’t be the only one on Earth that knows what this feels like. And all of you have moved on and figured out what to do next. If you guys can do it, so can I.

I have been thinking about things a lot and I want to look into adopting a kid. I know it seems impossible but I think it’s what I want the most in life. I’m going to go to my local agency tomorrow after work and get information. I know the next step is to go to some sort of orientation meeting where you can ask questions and get more information. I really think this is what I want. I love kids. I want kids. And right now if I wait to get over Meri, it’s going to be years, maybe decades before I try to let anyone love me again. I know I have a lot to offer a kid. I know it’s what I have always wanted. Yes it’s not traditional because I should just go be with someone and make my own kids. But right now, that’s not what I want. It’s not who I am anymore. So I need to get information first. And pray on it. God will answer me. I trust God. If it’s not meant to be, I accept it. But I would like to give myself a chance.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I am trying to catch up on my sleep. It was a whirlwind of a trip. And I needed it. I’m glad ya’ll are still leaving me messages on here. It helps. Nothing is worse than feeling alone when you are going through something so horrible and public. The messages I received over the past 2 months have helped me feel okay. Helped me realize there are some very sweet people in this world.

Thank you guys. I am thankful for you.

Breaking down

Dear you,
I don’t even know who to write to anymore. I just feel like writing. I am in so much emotional pain tonight I can’t even hardly keep it together. Last night was the end of something we created, we nurtured, and we both longed for. I woke up this morning with the realization that you are gone. But yet, you aren’t ever going to go away. And I’m in hell with this pain.
It hurts so bad trying to live without you. My glorious moments I can’t even call you up to share and hear that Oh baby I’m so happy for you. All the funny things that crack me up I can’t tell you about. I laugh to myself and grab my phone out of habit. That’s when I realize I can’t dial your number anymore because you are out of my phone and out of my life.
When we started this, I didn’t know that the end would come so soon. I feel like we barely got started. I feel like we didn’t even really get a chance to see what we could become. 6 months of loving you has changed my heart.
You make me miss you.
You make me want you back.
You make me believe in hope that you will find me again because it was the same hope that brought us together.
Remember when we first started out and we both kept saying this is so impossible, how are we ever going to do this? It was you that kept me strong by saying because we love each other enough to make the impossible, possible. Somehow, someway we made it 6 months. And I am so very thankful for each second.
The same thankfulness I have for sharing our love is the same one that is killing me everyday I wake up without you.
I love the pain you have given me. It is a constant reminder of how great you really are. Because if you weren’t that special to me I wouldn’t feel it. But I do. I feel it in every heartbeat and every fake smile I’m trying to pass off.
My I’m fine game is at the highest level. It’s the same one you used for years.
I’m not fine. I am hurting.
And now I can feel the lonlienss that first made you give me a chance.
I love you. I just love you. I miss you more than you will ever know.
Love Always,


My response to the Tell All

All I have to say is I’m still in love with Meri. And I understand why she has to throw me under the bus. Kendra busted out our affair on June 1, 2015. She and Lindsay tried for months to squash all the rumors but it didn’t work. I want to thank Kendra for trying to protect us the best she could. She has unfairly been attacked, called a liar, and lost out on a lot of jobs and money opportunities because she stood up for me. I really appreciate her and consider her a new friend. Thank you Kendra. I know this has been really tough on you. I’m sorry about that. Anyone else claiming they were the first ones to write, publicize, or post an article in regards to our affair is lying. Kendra was the only one that figured it out first.

image image image image

This is both a message and a prayer

Dear Meri,
My baby. God is urging me to write this to you. I can’t explain why yet because I don’t even understand it myself. I realize that after tomorrow the spotlight on me, on us will be gone. So this is my last effort to try to reach out to you. No one will pay attention to anything I have to say after tomorrow. I am so excited this is all going to be over with. I feel like I can move on with my life and really find out what I’m made of. You haven’t made this very easy on me baby. It’s been hard hearing you cry. Hearing you say the things that we both know you are being told how to phrase it. Good tv. Ratings. Sell it. You think I don’t know the pressure to make this palpable. I get it. I want you to know I really do get it. And I don’t care. You do what you need to do. Say what you need to say. I can take it. Because my feelings aren’t what matter to me today.
You told me how many times all you ever wanted is for someone to fight for you. So here I am. My heart in my hands pleading with you to listen to me one more time. Just once more. If you offer me the grace to read this, feel me. Feel that my heart is still with you.
Meri I have never stopped loving you. I asked you to stay open to me from the beginning. I said that because I felt something special between us. I never knew it was going to lead us into the greatest love I have ever found. Staying open with you brought me to a new level of happiness. I felt invincible. I felt like I could take on anything. But most of all my love, I felt like I could take care of you.
You grew up in a way that I can never understand. I didn’t even realize that the cult mentality you lived within was all you knew. You do not recognize the abnormality of it. The stories you shared from your younger days I was blown away. It was shocking to hear the things you were surrounded by. And how you overcame all of it. But did you really? Maybe you are still that little girl that once felt scared, alone, and not safe. Maybe you have grown into this beautiful, smart, loving, caring woman that I fell in love with, yet you are still that scared, alone little girl that doesn’t feel safe.
I was your safe place. I was your strength. Your support. Your unconditional love. And I screwed up. I walked away from you the very moment I should have turned back and ran to get you. Meri I have kicked myself every single second that I didn’t come bang on your door that day and say come home with me. I should have. Meri I should have come got you. My God, why didn’t I do that? That is the pain inside of me. That is all of the hope for our love fading away.
Meri everyday without you I am lost. I don’t have my girl to talk to anymore. I don’t get to see those amazing eyes light up anymore. Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know that I regret not coming to get you? I fucked up Meri. I really fucked up by not coming to get you. When you told me to meet you at Tropical Smoothie on the day we planned, I showed up. By then we weren’t even talking. It was just a plan we made. I was there. And I waited for you. You didn’t show up and that’s when I realized it was really over for good.
I should have fought harder for you. I should have been kinder and sweeter. Meri I should have protected you. I was your safe place. You trusted me. You counted on me. And you loved me. My gosh Meri you loved me so much. I know you did. I believe that you did. You had my whole heart. I was all you had for those 6 precious months. And when we were good, we were so good. We were so deeply in love. You shined so bright. Your eyes light up for me. You are the most beautiful woman in the world when you are in love. I will never forget how your beauty captured my heart.
And all the laughs Lol Oh my Meri. We laughed so much. We had such a great time talking. I loved laughing with you. You made it so easy to love you. We just clicked. We connected. We would talk, I would say something stupid and we would bust up. Or you would say something so smart that blew me away or utter me speechless then we would crack up at how quick-witted you are.
I am so sorry for anything I did to make you feel small. I don’t want you to feel like a fool because I broke down your walls. I don’t want you to feel like I never loved you. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. I love you so much Meri it’s not about me. It’s about you.
I am sorry I posted everything.

I posted everything to prove that we existed. That Sam and Meri were a real thing, not some internet rumor that was being turned into a mountain of lies.

I posted everything because my ego and my pride were being shot down and I didn’t like that feeling.

I posted everything to show the world that I did love you. I really thought that posting everything would prove that you did love me and I loved you and how could anyone ever say we weren’t in love.
Then I realized today, just today, that posting everything was not about me at all. It was about you.
I posted everything as a gift to you Meri. I put it all out there to remind you of the times we had.
I posted it so you could hear how happy you were when you knew the love of one man who only had you to love.
I posted everything to hurt you into finding yourself.
I posted everything to give you your freedom.
You don’t realize it, you may not get it yet but someday you will be thankful that I posted everything. Because this moment in your life, I changed who you are. I either pissed you off so badly you are beginning to fight for your voice OR what I am really hoping has happened, I have reminded you that you are very, very important. And that you should have never lived in mute all of the past 5 years.
I showed you what 6 months of freedom would feel like. I gave you the gift of hope so that you could feel love from someone that only had you in mind. I wanted you to be mine. I prayed to God for you Meri. Even before I met you. I prayed God would bring someone in my life to shake things up and make me fall madly in love. That’s exactly what you have done. Here I am. Madly in love with you! Meri! And you’re gone…
Because I didn’t fight for you I lost you. Because I didn’t love you more than I loved myself, I didn’t come get you. I should have I swear to God if I could get that moment back again I would have said stay right there I’m coming to the park to get you. I swear on my son Meri I would have picked you!
You can go on national tv and tell everyone that I catfished you, tell everyone how “abusive” I almost was or whatever it was you said. You can continue to vilify me in the press, and tv and anywhere else you need to. But know that through all of this I’m no longer taking it personal. I truly get why you are saying those things out loud. I get it. I know why. Yes at first it was killing me. It made me cry. It made me very angry and disappointed. But I know the truth. You know the truth. You and I are the only ones on Earth that know our truth. I really do understand why you are saying those things.
I am a strong man. I always have been. I am strong enough to handle all of my hurts. And I am strong enough to handle all of yours too. The back that people are trying to break by laying on all of these lies and false stories about me can’t be broken. I’m standing here saying pile it all on because I’m going to stand up and hold all of this on my shoulders. I can get through anything Meri because of the love you showed me. And boy do I need it now more than ever. This has been hard. I’m not talking about hard on me, I’m talking about this has to be so hard on you. And I’m not there to hold you. I’m not there to comfort you in the way I know how. I can’t say Meri I love you, I just love you over and over and over again when you are having your fits and really upset. I can’t stand with you and hold your hand and love you through this.
I’m outside your gates now. And I deserve to be. But if you ever want to come outside to find me, I’m here.
I am offering you the friendship we started out with. No one has to know, or everyone can know. We don’t have to hide us anymore. I want you to know in your life, I will always be there for you. In anyway you want because a life without you, I’m not doing that very well. I am trying Meri but looking at my future, how in the hell am I supposed to do this without you? Maybe you feel the same way too?
We lost each other the moment I walked away. I gave you up and I wish I hadn’t. Please read this someday. I’m not writing this thinking you will run right over and have a look. I’m not asking anyone to send this to you. Please don’t do that anyone that sees this. Leave her alone. I’m writing it and sticking it online. Maybe in a couple of years you will think about us and smile and wonder what I’m up to. That’s why I am writing this. For that moment in a couple of years. And you will see that on November 21st, 2015 I wrote this last letter to you with a full heart of love. And I asked you to find your way back to me.
Stay open Meri. Stay open to me. Let’s see what could happen. Again.
You are my soulmate. You are my greatest love. And no matter what my life will become, you will always be the woman that left the protective film over her cellphone camera and snapped blurry photos for months. Until I came into your life, asked why is your world so blurry, here let me show you how to get a clearer picture. And I took off your protective shell around your heart. And your cellphone Lol
I love you Meri. I have loved you since the very first phone call when I made you laugh before you could even say Hello Samuel.You mean everything to me. And I’m here. I know we can’t talk. I know we can’t be together. I will wait for our Not Yet to maybe someday turn into the Yet we dreamed of.
Je t’aime de tout mon coeur et de mon ame. You are my dream come true. My heart will wait. And if you never come at least I know I tried. Because that’s the only way I can live with myself now. I fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing. You are an amazing woman. Your heart is so pure and good. You are a good woman. You are kind, loving, sweet, funny, my gosh so funny, smart, gifted, talented, and sentimental. And you don’t even realize how special you really are. Give yourself permission to leave. Give yourself the freedom to choose. Don’t stay because of your obligations. Live your life. You have lived the life you thought you had to. I am giving you your freedom to choose. Go if you want to go, stay if you want to stay. Meri, if you are happy there, I hope and pray you stay forever. I really do. You are free Meri. Live, your life. You have done all you can do for everyone else.

This is your time.

It’s your life.

Be extraordinary.

Be You.
Come find me my love. You found me once, you can find me again. We are fate. We are connected. We are meant. We are Serendipity.

I love you Meri.
Love Always,




New sneak peak response

The newest sneak peak that came out from the upcoming Tell All special is sad but more lies. Let me share my side of this. With proof 😉

To set the record straight Meri, was there any physical relationship with this person?

Meri says “No, I never met this person. I’ve never met this person. I’ve never seen him. I’ve never seen, um… You know the pictures that he sent to me were of an actor. And said that they were him.”


The first time we had sex was March 6, 2015. The next day we did a Disney trip. Here are the texts from that day that prove we had been intimate the night before. Click on the date to read it.

March 7, 2015 http://www.notbatmanyet.com/?p=929&


March 7th, 2015 http://www.notbatmanyet.com/?p=931


Yes there was a physical relationship. Here is proof of it. This is one example. It was originally posted here: Intimate

This is a photo I took on April 18, 2015 of Meri laying in her bed. This was shortly before we had sex that night.


We had sex. It was very nice. We had been having sex for weeks at this point. Afterwards we talked and laughed at how sweaty and messed up her hair was. We talked and she said something that I felt she was comparing me to him.  I got pissed and left. So she started leaving me voicemails to explain what she meant. Here is what she said in the voicemails.

The 41st voicemail she says:

“Babe come on. What is going on tonight? Why are you struggling? My gosh I was not saying that being intimate with you was my worst, it’s my hair. It’s a mop. Oh my gosh honey, don’t. Please honey you’re really having a hard time with something tonight and I wish you would talk to me. Honey I’m here for you. I’m here. I haven’t gone anywhere I keep trying. Honey please. I love you I don’t know what’s going on.”

The 42nd voicemail she says:

“Baby I’m really sad. I feel like you’re pushing me away. You really misunderstood what I was saying. I’ve been…Laying here with you is very vulnerable. With, especially with my hair looking a mess. That’s all I was saying. All I was saying. Please don’t try to read anything else into it. Being with you is very special to me. It really is.”

In the 43rd voicemail she apologizes and tells me she loves me.

41st Voicemail 4-18-2015 4:29am

42nd Voicemail 4-18-2015 4:38am

43rd Voicemail 4-18-2015 4:45am

44th Voicemail 4-18-2015 10:28am

45th Voicemail 4-18-2015 4:30pm


To address the lie that I sent her photos that were of an actor. No. She has to go along with what catfish do. Catfish people send fake pictures. I never sent her fake pictures. But to go along with her false catfish story she has to say something. This really pisses me off.


You did meet the friend?

Meri says “I met the female friend. And she’s the one who I would talk to. There were, there would be times that I would be talking to him on the phone and he would have a temper tantrum of sorts and hang up the phone. And then I’d get calls from her saying you better fix this, you better call. You better call and tell him how much you love him. You better fix this situation. And so I’d have to. I felt in a place that I had to just do whatever it was that they said.

Lindsay met Meri in the parking lot of her hotel at the end of March to give Meri a box of stuff that had the stuffed panda bear, some love letters I wrote and a few small gifts for Meri. One was a blue Coach wallet. What was supposed to be a quick 2 minutes, here is your box, bye meeting turned into them standing in the parking lot and talking for over an hour about all kinds of things. They have a lot in common and Meri was asking Lindsay a lot of questions about me since Lindsay has known me for 20 years. From there they became friends. Meri contacted Lindsay a lot because she needed and wanted someone to talk to. Lindsay is not someone that ever contacts anyone. It’s very rare. She is too busy and could really care less about staying on contact with anyone that she barely knows. Meri would show up over at Lindsay’s hotel and the girls would talk for about an hour or so about everything going on. Meri would call and text Lindsay when we were fighting because she was upset and just wanted to talk. There were no threats ever made.  There was nothing at all said as you better fix this. That’s a total lie. There was never any pressure to talk to me and be in my life. If I was really this bad, why did it go on for 6 months? She is ridiculous! And she’s lying!



How did you find the courage to tell these 4 people the truth?

Meri says: It took a lot.

Robyn says: I made her.

Meri confided to Robyn about the affair on the September 6th weekend trip they took to visit Hunter at college in Colorado. That was the first time it was ever confirmed that Meri had had an affair with me for the past 6 months. We had broken up August 23rd, 2015. And finally ended it forever August 30th, 2015. I made zero contact with Meri since that date. I have not threatned her, spoken to her, contacted her, or even looked at anything on her twitter. Lindsay also has had no contact with her since August 24th, 2015 when Meri texted her and asked if I had moved on.

The texts are here:

8-24-2015 12:14pm
Meri: He obviously moved on?

8-24-2015 12:14pm
Meri: And is he happy about it?

8-24-2015 1:05pm
Lindsay: What

8-24-2015 1:05pm
Lindsay: He is not happy

8-24-2015 1:08pm
Meri: Seems it according to twitter. I just asked him for one thing then things can go back to normal. It’s up to him if he wants it. I never left. Nor would I. I am just waiting. Depends on how much he wants it I guess.

8-24-2015 1:15pm
Lindsay: Do you want me to call

8-24-2015 1:27pm
Lindsay: I called
8-24-2015 6:45pm
Lindsay: I am glad you texted me today. I was confused as to why you were asking me if he had moved on. I did not tell him we talked

How did you make her? How did you know?

Robyn says, I had been begging her for months to talk to me. I knew something wasn’t right. I was begging her and begging her to talk to me.


Robyn is telling the truth. Robyn was the only one checking on Meri. She did this about once a month. Meri kept telling her she was not happy with Kody and she wanted to leave. Robyn cried about it and said she loved Meri and wanted to work on the friendship part of their relationship so that she wouldn’t feel alone. When she found out from Meri in September she had an affair with me Robyn was very upset and cried and devasted.

I know that the family is going to stick up for Meri and I expect them to. But she is not being honest with them. She is only telling half truths or she is outright lying. I expected her to lie about sometimes but never this much. And she is offering no proof at all.

It makes me incredibly sad. To be denied from someone that I loved with all of my heart. I get it. I understand she has a show and a family to protect. But I was never a threat to her or to them. When it was done I walked away. It was her friend that kept harassing me daily and saying how much Meri hated me. I began posting all of this after weeks of this going on. And now here we are. I am incredibly sad over this.

The hardest part is watching her cry. I love her so much I never want to see her cry. It’s sad. All of this is sad.


bebrave_Breaking down in my life has opened me up to a new path. I had it in my head what my perfect life looked like. Now that it’s over, what do I do? What will my path be? I could spend hours worrying but I give my life to God and wait. The waiting part is easy. I have waited years to find the love of my life. Not weeks, not months. Years. I always knew she would be special. I knew she would be blonde and sweet. Kindness is a huge turn on to me. Followed closely by a great laugh.
What I need now is some time alone to reflect. Reading helps. Praying helps more. I’m not going to sit on my ass one more day and feel sorry for myself. I am going to get out in the world and continue on the path that is right in front of me.
I didn’t get the girl. I got really, really close. But in the heartbreak of losing her, I realize how much love I do have to offer. All of the lessons I have learned from this whole big messy….thing, I get to take those with me. And the next girl that blesses my life is going to end up with a very sweet, very kind, compassionate man who doesn’t complain much. Essentially that is who I am at my core. I am so thankful and blessed in my life. I know humility. I know letting go of my ego will serve me further than holding on to pride. I get my second chance. Or maybe this is my 10th chance. Who is counting?
Love that has alluded me all of my life is waiting. There is a girl in the world right now sitting there thinking about a guy who she will randomly meet and fall in love with. She is offering the same hope and prayer I am. She is ready, willing, and scared for her heart. She has lived her life, she has made mistakes, and she has forgiven herself. And here I am, her gold treasure at the end of her rainbow.
Right now I’m not feeling much like any kind of prize for anyone. But I’m going to. All of my fears are the same fears anyone else has had. We have all had doubts. We have all struggled. I am nobody special. But I am somebody to remember. Because I lead my life with my heart into foolish choices. And I stood at the end of each road and claimed my truth. Vulnerable, scared, and alone. I made it through each one of my failures. I beat myself up, I worried, and I sank. Then I meditated, breathed, and got up.
There are people that want me to disappear. There are people that literally spend all day talking about me and my life. And not for good intentions.
Here I am.
I’m not going anywhere.
I am going to find love. And I’m going to get married someday. Kids? I would love that but if it’s not meant to be, I accept God’s decision.
I didn’t give up on myself. I fought hard. I tried harder. I made it. And I’m not feeling so sad anymore. I have learned how to be brave. I am nobody’s hero. That’s wrong. I have been my own hero because this has all been a lot harder than I have put out there.
What would you do if a nation of people thought you were mean to a beautiful woman who was too scared to tell the truth?
I fought. And I’m not going anywhere.
I want to be loved. And someday, I pray I will be.