Dear you,
I don’t even know who to write to anymore. I just feel like writing. I am in so much emotional pain tonight I can’t even hardly keep it together. Last night was the end of something we created, we nurtured, and we both longed for. I woke up this morning with the realization that you are gone. But yet, you aren’t ever going to go away. And I’m in hell with this pain.
It hurts so bad trying to live without you. My glorious moments I can’t even call you up to share and hear that Oh baby I’m so happy for you. All the funny things that crack me up I can’t tell you about. I laugh to myself and grab my phone out of habit. That’s when I realize I can’t dial your number anymore because you are out of my phone and out of my life.
When we started this, I didn’t know that the end would come so soon. I feel like we barely got started. I feel like we didn’t even really get a chance to see what we could become. 6 months of loving you has changed my heart.
You make me miss you.
You make me want you back.
You make me believe in hope that you will find me again because it was the same hope that brought us together.
Remember when we first started out and we both kept saying this is so impossible, how are we ever going to do this? It was you that kept me strong by saying because we love each other enough to make the impossible, possible. Somehow, someway we made it 6 months. And I am so very thankful for each second.
The same thankfulness I have for sharing our love is the same one that is killing me everyday I wake up without you.
I love the pain you have given me. It is a constant reminder of how great you really are. Because if you weren’t that special to me I wouldn’t feel it. But I do. I feel it in every heartbeat and every fake smile I’m trying to pass off.
My I’m fine game is at the highest level. It’s the same one you used for years.
I’m not fine. I am hurting.
And now I can feel the lonlienss that first made you give me a chance.
I love you. I just love you. I miss you more than you will ever know.
Love Always,

Samuel

63 thoughts on “Breaking down”

  1. I don’t think you need to explain yourself about who you allow on your twitter! It’s up to you. You have been so so so patient with all these people who are looking in on your life. I can admit I cme and started reading your blog out of pure curiosity and after reading most of it I feel like I know you even though I don’t really. I wish only the best for you and hope you can move forward and find some peace,love and light!
    I hear it is thanksgiving in America soon. Happy thanksgiving from canada! I hope your surrounded by all your friends and family.
    Best wishes, C .

    1. My blog is not my personal Twitter account. Here I am fair game. On there it’s more private and when I lock it up I am preventing mean people from loading it up while I am not on there seeing what anyone is saying.

      It’s also a way to protect the people that do follow me. The trolls contact everyone that follow me and harass them.

  2. You blocked me as well, I have nothing bad to say and wouldn’t. All I wanted to do is follow you. I will admit there are a lot of inconsistencies on both sides. Some things are probably not our business. I admit I am very interested, but I would never leave you or anyone for that matter derogatory comments. Because Meri is on a reality show, this has been brought to light and we are all interested, it’s human nature to want more and to want to know more. If you unblock me, you have no worries of me saying anything negative.

    1. When the trolls take photos off of my social media accounts that I either retweeted or I posted in reference to an inside joke based on the subject matter or actions in the photo you have guys that aren’t even me being put side by side for comparison. That’s the mind game trolls play. And they all look really stupid for doing that then contacting the actual people in the photos claiming I said its me. When I have not at all claimed that at all.

  3. I never said you knew me. I explained in my first post I was a stranger. That’s fine if you dont want to approve my request so I can follow and read your tweets. No hard feelings here from me Twitter: Kristya21. Have a blessed day!

    1. When I am out of town I lock up my Twitter because I don’t want to come back to my Twitter account full of nasty or mean messages. I kick off people I don’t know because I don’t know them well enough to trust they are not screenshotting my tweets and rallying up the trolls to harass me. The trolls used to wait until I was out of town then bombard my Twitter account with nasty photos and mean things. I wouldn’t have time to look at it for days. When I would look it was very upsetting. I got in the habit of tossing strangers and locking things up. And it works out very well.

  4. Hi Sam. I’ve been following both your blog and Twitter, faithfully, since the beginning of October when the whole “Meri got catfished” news began spreading all over the tabloids. I’m a truth seeker by nature. I’ve never commented nor tweeted. I actually sent my first DM, ever, to you on Twitter a little while ago when I saw that your account is now protected. I don’t blame you a bit. I just wasted 5 minutes of my time reading disgusting hatred directed at you and Lindsay by the trolls. These women call themselves Christians? Geesh. Their own hatred is blinding them. I’ll just leave it at that.
    Anyway, I felt the need to let you know that I believe you. I believe your name is Samuel Copper, that you’re a real man, and that you did not catfish anyone! You had an affair with Meri and are still madly in love with her. I’m sorry for your hurt. For whatever it’s worth, maybe nothing, but nonetheless, you have my full support. I am a 40 year old happily married woman, mom of two wonderful boys. I have no ulterior motives. Don’t forget that everything happens for a reason and the truth always prevails. Do your best to ignore the trolls and do whatever you need to vindicate yourself!
    If you need me for anything, I’m here.

  5. Lori – mine hasn’t been approved yet either. Maybe he’s busy or maybe just doesn’t want strangers following him which I can understand. 🙂

  6. Oh and I’m not Kris or Khris… just Kristine. I have so much to write on this subject, it could be a book. I’d tweet about it, but Kate Gosselin had Bullyville suspend me 3 years ago. They also hacked my Facebook and the like. UGH… White girl problems. Lol

  7. Sam, I think it’s natural to be in love with someone you have connected with, online or other. I have done the same over the past 20 years, with male friends and I always made sure my husband was aware. Even when we went through rough times as a couple. We are honest and remain true to eachother today, and have never cheated. I find it fascinating that I’ve not read one positive comment on social media about Kody Brown yet, during the many years I’ve followed the show. Do you think Kody comes off as disingenuous? I do.

  8. Sam,
    I have been so very interested in reading your blog, and for a little while, your tweets. Apparently, I am now blocked on Twitter. Never said anything….lol…haven’t even tweeted anything just yet. Just curious why? I do understand if you want your life back from all of us strangers. Wishing you love, light and peace.

    1. I guess it’s a guy in banana pic that Lindsay tweeted at me. No one claimed I was the guy and the trolls made it into yet another one of their lies. This time they got caught Lol So stupid.

  9. Huh I guess you’re not going to unblock me on Twitter. Didn’t even post my request on here asking to be unblocked! UNFAIR 😞 I didnt do anything wrong!

  10. That annoyed me so much. All over the Twitter they are saying that Sam is posting Nick Bateman’s picture and saying it was him. They even twitted Nick Bateman and said his pictures were being used in a big scam. No where did Sam ever say that was a picture of him. It is getting so ridiculous. I wonder if these people have a life other than tormenting Sam. I wanted to say something but I didn’t feel like getting attacked. These people need to look in the mirror at themselves instead of ripping anyone who supports Sam apart. They are bully’s.

  11. I also just started following and never tweeted anything. I’d like to be a twitter follower if you’re accepting them. My interest in reading is to be supportive. A lot of feelings have been expressed here and I admire that. twitter handle: grapeswhiz

  12. I am so disgusted. Here you are hurting and there she is lying. Everywhere I am reading articles about how afraid she was of you and how you wanted to pull her family apart.

    And than there is Kody. Her husband. She is hurting and he doesn’t approach or sit next to her. Doesn’t take her in his arms. He doesn’t even appear to love her.

    How does she chooses Kody, someone who appears cold towards her, over you? How could she lie about her affair with you, her love for you? I cannot understand this. Knowing now that Kody doesn’t love her anymore, will she stay in a loveless marriage? Knowing polygamy doesn’t work and only makes a woman/children unhappy, will Meri still advocate for legalizing it?

    Finally, Sam, I hope, when all this is done, you find someone who is willing to love you back just as much as you love her.

    Peace

  13. The analogy of the caged bird is perfect for this situation. All of the women entangled in this are beautiful and given the chance they could feel what it is to be free.

    Their lips say one thing but body language says something completely opposite.
    In my life experience, I have found that eyes speak clearer than words in some times.

    It appeared in the “Tell Nothing Show” that it was very rehearsed and scripted.
    If the “catfish theory” were true, why would you be afraid of someone you had never met?
    If you were afraid, why would you not go to the police or TLC management?
    If you were afraid, why would you not tell your husband?
    If you were afraid your house was bugged, I would have someone check it?
    If you were afraid, why would you send love message to someone’s voice mail.

    Too many things do not add up!

    Sam, take care of yourself. I don’t know you but from your writing, you seem like a caring person. There are many people who could be blessed by the gift of that compassion.

    Sam, (if your not who you say you are), write the book as you did an excellent job of getting total strangers captivated by your story…….LOL

    Take care,

  14. Thank you very much! I thought maybe it was cause I followed them too. I like reading your tweets and also your blogs. I appreciate unblocking me!! Have a blessed day!

  15. I just started following your story and you on Twitter and when I just went to your Twittet account it says Ive been personally blocked my user. I’ve never tweeted you or anything so that’s why I asked maybe you only let certain people follow you. Love your writings. Have a blessed day!

  16. Just started following you on Twitter and never have said anything and you blocked me. You normally just block random nice people?

  17. I’ve always believed that polygamy is inherently abusive toward women, so for Meri to ignore the abuse of her husband and religion and claim abuse from you is just a joke to me.

  18. Do they still come back? Are they checking this site to see how involved Meri was? During the tell all it seemed they had no idea how deep Meri was in. Did they see the photos of Meri? Kody hasn’t even heard the voicemails and they have blocked mostly everyone on twitter discussing it.

  19. Sam,

    How true your words are. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine, our fear over rides the promise of our happiness. Promises are not always guarantees so we suffer In the cages in which we live. Confined to only dream of what was or could be only to wake to what is. So many times women run off just as I did thinking what could be was better than what was, only to find, It was far worse than I could ever imagine, you can’t run back when it fails, so now you must suffer alone in the hell you once imagined, would be heaven. Meri may have seen some red flags that scared her and other people feed into those insecurities and fears. The result she’s afraid of making a mistake and then what? She’s alone .

    Either she will settle like most people do or she will run back and take a risk. Some do, most don’t . Either way your right you’ve given her memories that she will never forget. You will always be a part of you and will carry you in her heart forever

  20. Samuel,

    You’ve heard it before, I’m sure. Give it time. You’ll move on. Someone will come along and revive your fire. You’ll heal and love again.

    And, that’s true. You will.

    But, you won’t ever forget her. She’ll come to your mind. Sometimes for no reason at all. Sometimes it’ll make you angry, sad, or happy. It’ll hurt a little, because it’s a memory, a whisper, a time you can’t really relive anywhere else but in your head. Sometimes you’ll feel like you smell her, or hear her voice. People will look like her – the quirks they have will remind you of her. It’ll change the way you look at other people. All because she’s impacted you the way she has. There will always be a small portion of you that loves her. And that’s OK.

    Meri made a choice. Somewhere inside of me I know how she feels. Like a bird who has been in a cage too long, but who once was allowed to remember what it was like to fly. Her heart was repaired because of what she shared with you. You fixed her soul; even if she rips you down on TV. Inside of her, it probably hurts her to demean you like that, when it was your love that reminded her that she never forgot how to fly, she just hasn’t been allowed to. She’s caged again, and in that cage she’s tormented. It’s all she has known for years. She is in a comfort zone in her cage, regardless of the plain fact that she’s unhappy, remorseful, lonely and lost in it. It’s kept her “safe” and it’s a guarantee. She made her choice – but it is probably because she never gave herself a real choice. Her dreams of leaving and being with you on this adventure of love and eternal bliss were very real. Every moment cherished and recorded in her mind, in her spirit, in her heart. But somehow she knew it would never be a real possibility – even if she told you a thousand times that it was. Sometimes, we caged birds, we know our wings are no longer clipped, but we know flying isn’t real.. Even if it is. I watched that stupid tell all. I felt her real tears behind forced words. I even considered her side the truth. But I saw and recognized her reality. The one she wasn’t talking about.

    The same memories she created with you, that you relive, she will too. She’ll cry until she can’t cry anymore, when no one is looking. Because her happiness hurts her.

    I guess I’m saying all of this because she can’t.

    She is hurting, too. Far more than you see. Maybe more than you even realize.

    She made a choice. But only because she didn’t believe she ever had one.

  21. I think you should attempt to move on. The fact that she’s denied the relationship to save her own reputation makes me doubt if she’s trust worthy. Without trust a relationship will fail every time. I’m no expert and Christian’s fall and fail just as everyone does, but God has called us to be transparent and forthcoming even when sin is involved. I just don’t see that here.

  22. Hang in there buddy. I have to say i didnt know what was going on with Meri but you knew that divorce wasnt just about the adoption. She had it. Its all about robyn and who could blame her!? Kodys a dipstick! (Literally haha)

    As far as the “catfish”….none of it made sense. Now i didnt know if you were real but the story they concocted. ……puh-lease. We are not stupid. They all made themselves look like bigger fools than TLC had been doing. Meri has been lost for a long time but you can tell YOU made a difference.

    Try not beat yourself up. Easier said than done i know. A quote i always like in times of hardship……dont cry because its over, smile because it happened. Chin up x

  23. Someone more tech savvy than me should start a Web page for those of us who support Sam can go to post messages of support, things that might make him laugh. Where Sam can go read to know there’s people out here who support him. 🙂

  24. God never closes a door without opening a window.

    Some good will come of this. You just can’t see it yet.

    What we fervently desire is not always what’s best for us.

    Have faith that there’s a plan for your happiness; that one day you will look back on this time and be GRATEFUL that it turned out as it did.

    The best is yet to come . . .

  25. i hear your pain and my heart breaks for you. Take one day at a time and take care of yourself. I send you light and love and know there are many of us here who care about and support you.

  26. Wow. The love you shared was so amazing. I can only hope to have a love like that once in my life. How did you find her? How did you know?

  27. I’m very sorry you’re in so much pain. Wish I had something profound to tell you that would help ease your pain but I can only think of tired platitudes that you already know. Just know I’m thinking of you and wishing you wellness, happiness and healing.

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