bebrave_Breaking down in my life has opened me up to a new path. I had it in my head what my perfect life looked like. Now that it’s over, what do I do? What will my path be? I could spend hours worrying but I give my life to God and wait. The waiting part is easy. I have waited years to find the love of my life. Not weeks, not months. Years. I always knew she would be special. I knew she would be blonde and sweet. Kindness is a huge turn on to me. Followed closely by a great laugh.
What I need now is some time alone to reflect. Reading helps. Praying helps more. I’m not going to sit on my ass one more day and feel sorry for myself. I am going to get out in the world and continue on the path that is right in front of me.
I didn’t get the girl. I got really, really close. But in the heartbreak of losing her, I realize how much love I do have to offer. All of the lessons I have learned from this whole big messy….thing, I get to take those with me. And the next girl that blesses my life is going to end up with a very sweet, very kind, compassionate man who doesn’t complain much. Essentially that is who I am at my core. I am so thankful and blessed in my life. I know humility. I know letting go of my ego will serve me further than holding on to pride. I get my second chance. Or maybe this is my 10th chance. Who is counting?
Love that has alluded me all of my life is waiting. There is a girl in the world right now sitting there thinking about a guy who she will randomly meet and fall in love with. She is offering the same hope and prayer I am. She is ready, willing, and scared for her heart. She has lived her life, she has made mistakes, and she has forgiven herself. And here I am, her gold treasure at the end of her rainbow.
Right now I’m not feeling much like any kind of prize for anyone. But I’m going to. All of my fears are the same fears anyone else has had. We have all had doubts. We have all struggled. I am nobody special. But I am somebody to remember. Because I lead my life with my heart into foolish choices. And I stood at the end of each road and claimed my truth. Vulnerable, scared, and alone. I made it through each one of my failures. I beat myself up, I worried, and I sank. Then I meditated, breathed, and got up.
There are people that want me to disappear. There are people that literally spend all day talking about me and my life. And not for good intentions.
Here I am.
I’m not going anywhere.
I am going to find love. And I’m going to get married someday. Kids? I would love that but if it’s not meant to be, I accept God’s decision.
I didn’t give up on myself. I fought hard. I tried harder. I made it. And I’m not feeling so sad anymore. I have learned how to be brave. I am nobody’s hero. That’s wrong. I have been my own hero because this has all been a lot harder than I have put out there.
What would you do if a nation of people thought you were mean to a beautiful woman who was too scared to tell the truth?
I fought. And I’m not going anywhere.
I want to be loved. And someday, I pray I will be.

35 thoughts on “Here”

  1. Mary Anastasia
    My story is a lot like yours, I’m in a loveless relationship, i feel stuck. We don’t sleep in the same bed and i swear it would kill him to show me any kind of empathy or love. I have no one to talk to and feel so lonely. I’m going through some really tough things in my life and i have no one to confide in and when i try talking to him about it, its like talking to a wall, i swear id get more sympathy from talking to my dog then i do him. Its a very sad situation really, and I’m tired of crying all the time. I’ve seen him actually cry from watching movies or shows or even undercover boss but he has never showed any emotion for me and never has anything to say when i tell him what I’m going through, its really frustrating and disheartening. So i guess what I’m trying to say is, trust me you’re not alone, there’s a 34 year old woman in west Virginia who feels exactly the same way you do. ❤

  2. there are times in life when you realize that god has a plan….we walk the path and we do not know where it leads…we are all on this spinning planet and gravity and humility grounds us…but our heart and our connection with god keeps us uplifted…walk on

  3. Mary Annastasia,

    I hope you don’t mind me reaching out to you.Child support and alimony is court ordered . Your husband has to pay whatever the formula is set in your state mandated by the judge. In addition,go seek someone out at financial aid to see what help you are able to get to supplement your income be it money, food stamps, health care etc until your are able to do it on your own.

    As far as thinking you won’t find love or that area of your life is over.. It’s only over if you allow it to be. Love although some say it will happen when it’s suppose to. Maybe yes for some. For others like me you have to search for your one he’s out there. Either way it won’t happen unless your open to it, ready for it & and be outside your home. Love won’t knock on your door. Get out !! Look in your newspaper for social events in your area.

    Go on a computer there are plenty of online sites that are free. Place an ad for what your looking for in a man and a relationship. I will do it for you or help guide you through it. I know how crazy it is to say this but I placed an ad on Craigslist looking for my one and yes I had to weed through the perverts, the nuts and everything in between.

    Guess what there are decent men out there who want and are capable of the same things you are. I know it happened to me. He may not be perfect but he may be perfect for you. If you want your welcome to email me at.. Casmir1@aol.com
    If you risk nothing, you risk everything!!

  4. Mary Annastasia,

    I hope you don’t mind me reaching out to you.. Child support and alimony is court ordered . Your husband has to pay whatever the formula is set in your state mandated by the judge. In addition,go seek someone out at financial aid to see what help you are able to get to supplement your income be it money, food stamps, health care etc until your are able to do it on your own.

    As far as thinking you won’t find love or that area of your life is over.. It’s only over if you allow it to be over . I’m not justifying having an affair but if you do its your business or if you wait until your marriage is over is obviously up to you. Sometimes once you establish a connection , could help motivate you to to end your marriage. Love although some say will happen when it’s suppose to. Maybe yes for some. For others like me you have to search for your one he’s out there. Either way it won’t happen unless your open to it, ready for it & and be outside your home. Love won’t knock on your door. Get out !! Look in your newspaper for social events in your area.

    Go on a computer there are plenty of online sites that are free. Place an ad for what your looking for in a man and a relationship. I will do it for you or help guide you through it. I know how crazy it is to say this but I placed an ad on Craigslist looking for my one and yes I had to weed through the perverts, the nuts and everything in between.

    Guess what there are decent men out there who want and are capable of the same things you are. I know it happened to me. He may not be perfect but he may be perfect for you.
    If you risk nothing, you risk everything!!

  5. Happy to hear about people finding true love,but not in the cards for me.I have been married for 35 years, to a man who can’t show emotion,and has no idea what empathy is.I got sick with a rare illness, so have lost some of my health,but it is manageable.Then I lost a daughter to cancer.I am so lonely,wish true love could find me, but that will never,ever happen.No way would he pay alimony,or help me out some way.We have had separate bedrooms for 20+ years,have not been intimate for 9 years.My life sucks,and I am going to die very unhappy.Love is not in the cards for me.
    Sam,I hope you find your true love some day.I wish you the best.

    1. Give yourself permission to leave. Stockpile money, sell stuff. Ask family and friends for help. People would come out to support and love you. Trust yourself enough to know you don’t have to stay. You should leave him.

  6. Wow Sam that was beautiful. I’m so happy for you that you are bruised but not damaged. I have wasted half my life on the death of my relationship because that is what it feels like. Half my life I chose men I knew I could never love for fear my heart couldn’t bare another break. Only to find that once I chose to live again and gave my heart that past love now pales in comparison. I thought it and he was the most amazing,, compassionate ,passionate loving man id ever known. I thought I loved and had been loved until I loved again. So, I commend you for not allowing grief to consume your life. You are so positively right you will find your one and when that happens this relationship won’t seem as wonderful as you once thought.

  7. I’m confused…

    In your “2nd to the end” post you wrote: “He [Kody] said that he loved her but they both agreed they weren’t in love anymore. He offered to get her a place, rent something in Las Vegas. He offered to help her get back to Utah, he offered to start talking about a spiritual divorce. They all knew she was feeling like leaving was the best thing.”

    If all of that is true, it sounds like Kody was willing to make leaving pretty easy, certainly not impossible. (Which seems like very un-Kody-like behavior to me–ha!)

    How does this all jive with Meri staying for the money and with the family not understanding?

    1. He had given up on fixing things with her. She stopped talking to him stopped going out to eat with him and kicked him out of the house. When they had this talk there were so many rumors on the internet that we were having an affair he said he had already assumed the worse and gave up. He was offering to get her where she wanted to be which was out of there. But I had a rental house for her to move into so there was no need for him to set her up elsewhere. She was still under contract so she could not leave until filming was done.

  8. Wait a second. You wrote:

    “The day we broke up she told me she was going to find a way to leave as soon as she could afford it. She said she wanted to leave.”

    Is Meri not getting paid by TLC for being on Sister Wives? She has only one child and I am sure both her name and Kody’s name is on Meri house. They been on TV for quite some time now. Where did all her money go?

    Very strange.

    1. Kody and Janelle allocate the money out each month to all the wives. They all have budgets based on needs of the household and needs of the kids on each household. And none of them but Kody has much money left each month. She lives well but it’s expensive.

  9. Samuel, I just stumbled across your blog and I have to say if your ever happen to find yourself up in B.C. please look me up. I’ve spent years looking for love too with no luck. You seem funny and kind and are oh so cute! Maybe one day our paths will cross?

    1. That is nice but you will be better off with a local guy. I only get up to Canada twice a year.

      Hope you find love soon. I will pray God helps you find a great guy.

  10. asking why people are called “trolls” and if you are going ahead with a book now why not just post a photo of the two of you in the meantime to get rid of some drama? Anyway didn’t see my question so am trying again. I hope you are broad minded enough to at least answer a speculative question. Also see nothing more about your lunch at Chicago Diner with Tracy & friend?

    1. When I got her contact info via email to figure out who she was and who her friend she was bringing is Lindsay found out she was a reporter. So I declined her invite but told her if I got to know her a little more, after this coming Sunday I may want to reschedule lunch with her and her friend and told her it would be my treat. At Chicago Diner on a date neither of us would post publically. After we had lunch, if we met up I told her she could post photos or talk about meeting me. But I was not interested in an ambush type lunch because I don’t talk to reporters. She admitted that’s exactly what she was trying to do she apologized and we have been texting and been talking on the phone a little. But we don’t talk about the affair at all. We talk about food.

      Last night I did meet up with two ladies I have been talking to on Twitter for months. I brought my buddy Josh and treated them to a nice dinner. We talked for about an hour and I had a nice time. We did take pictures. Not on my phone but on both of theirs. So I’m sure that will be sold to tabloids soon. The ladies both said I am not at all like they expected and they see how Meri said we laughed all of the time. The only other comment they had was Wow you are freaking tall Lol They both said they had fun.

  11. I posted a polite question yrsterday asking why people are called “trolls” and if you are going ahead with a book now why not just post a photo of the two of you in the meantime to get rid of some drama? Anyway didn’t see my question so am trying again.

    1. I did not see your question either. I am getting more comments now after Sunday and don’t see all of them. Sorry about that. I see you have two this morning. I will get to both of them now to make up for it.

      The people who are in the Sister Wives Hate groups on Facebook who take it upon themselves to harass and attack me daily are trolls. They make comments on everything I say or do. They lie, create false stories, Photoshop photos and do everything they can to try to get me to leave social media and the Internet. It’s not working because I’m still here. Those people who are mean and go beyond normal interaction by contacting people in my life, looking things up, then lying when they can’t find out anything bad to me is stalking and creepy. To me that’s how I define trolls. People that don’t believe me or send me negative comments, they are just people with a different opinion. To me they aren’t trolls and I actually like their comments the best because they really do ask great questions. And I love proving them wrong.

      The timing of releasing those photos is why I haven’t done it, yet. I’m going to but she has not named names or come out with anything that points directly to me, yet so I was advised to hold onto them until she does. If she doesn’t name names then I’m still going to post them just to prove I’m not lying about this. It will be a brand new post called Proof. It’s already written and Saved as a Draft. That way I can immediately release all of it by hitting one button, called Publish. And add last minute comments as needed. Hope that answers you.

    1. She had stopped wearing it before we started talking. She wore it on the day of signing the divorce she told me to make it look good. The day after she got the divorce she went on a cruise with her friend, not him. They called it the divorce cruise. She didn’t wear it all this season or barely sat by him she told me because she was tired of pretending to be happily married to him. I’m sure she put it back on now for show. She’s not in love with him. The day we broke up she told me she was going to find a way to leave as soon as she could afford it. She said she wanted to leave.

  12. It wasn’t easy it took years of forgiveness and mature decisions I never knew I was capable of ~ please stay strong and brave ~ when you least expect love it happens! I will pray for you.

  13. Sam I disagree with anyone who tells you she was not worth it ~ this experience is part of your makeup now it will never go away ~ as much as it hurts I bet you are still glad you met her ~ I had an affair with a married man (as wrong as it felt I loved him ) he kept going back to his wife until I walked away head held high and after lots of therapy I was healthy again and then we reconnected and we have been married for twenty years ! You just never know ~ my point embrace the experience both the good and the bad ~ head held high !😊 ps I believe you are you and you are special !!

    1. Really, which photo is that? Link it here so I can see. Please becareful and also prove I claimed it was me. Liars get busted out here then banned quickly. Can’t wait to see what you have.

  14. This whole thing is so sad. I’ve been reading for a while but haven’t post but now I can’t be quiet. As other’s have said you deserve better. I am sure you will find true love even though it seems impossible now. Trust me it did for me when I gave up all hope. My husband who was abusive left me for another woman. He was the only man I ever new. We were childhood sweethearts. I forgave him so much but in the end I was thrown away like a piece of garbage. It took awhile partly because I was raising children and was also too bruised to allow and trust another man in my life. When I wasn’t looking I met a man who was so wonderful to me brokenness was healed. I am married for 25 years and my ex leaving me was the best thing that could happened to me. I would have never left and I would have remained in that abusive relationship forever. i would not have known better.
    I send you light and love Samuel don’t ever give up hope. It will happen for you I promise.

  15. To be honest, I am glad you didn’t get the girl. She’s on TV talking about how scared she was of you. Yet, she had sent you pictures, voicemails, and text messages. If you were such a horrible person, why did she continued to contact you almost on a daily basis? Why does Meri go back to Kody? A man who cruelly took his wedding ring she gave to him as a symbol of their love, melted it down, made a jewelry out of it and gave it to another wife’s daughter?

    This whole love affair is just so frustrating to read. She deserves better. YOU deserves better. One day she will realize the love she sacrificed. It hurts now but later the emotional pain will be worse when she realizes what she could have had with you. I hope you find someone who is worthy of your kindness and love. I hope one day Meri will realize there is someone out there who is willing to love her and no other woman. Part of me really wish this all ended with a big, beautiful wedding between you two but it isn’t met to be.

    Hold on and remember, this too shall past.

    Peace and respect.

  16. Here’s to being brave and facing your fear! It makes you stronger not only as a person but stringer in your beliefs and what you deserve! It’s never easy loosing the love of your life and loosing the dream of what you thought you would have! I too am sending a prayer to one day find love again ! It sounds easy to everyone but opening yourself up again is hard and scary and it makes you vulnerable ! so I say be brave and face your fears head on!!!! Because we only have one life and you only get out of it what you put in!!! So step out of your comfort zone and reap the benefits !!!!

  17. I admire your attitude and fully agree…God will provide. As a person also waiting for “the one”, I find that staying busy and serving others takes your mind off of the waiting and leaves you living a life well-lived, even if it doesn’t ever turn out the way that you thought it would. It could be more beautiful than anything you ever imagined. 🙂

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