I feel completely worthless

I cried in the elevator today. Kevin was with me. Nothing was said, no music was playing to provoke it. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. He did what any good dude would do, he asked if I was alright, told me to suck it up, and then stood in silence as we rode the rest of the floors up to my office. I sucked it up before the doors opened, immediately went into my office and closed the doors for 10 minutes. I don’t even know what to say to myself about it. I am so embarrassed.

I think I figured out that sadness deep in my chest. At lunch I was eating and reading my Bible passage for the day. It usually uplifts me to the point I stand up, walk around a little and get ready to hit the second part of my day. Today it’s all been about listening to everyone and making decisions together. Everyone can tell I’m not myself. I’m not happy. Today I’m not even smiling.

I had to take a walk outside and just get some fresh air. Then I remembered a chapter from a book in my office that I love. And wanted to share the pages from that section.

I have to learn how to love myself again. Because this has broken me. This helped me figure out my sadness and why I was not even loving myself anymore. It’s all about who your happiness belongs to. And as I reminded myself in this chapter, it belongs to me.

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About Samuel

Single dad of 4 beautiful kids, Heston & Alex my twin boys, and my daughters Peace and Sky. Dad of 2 angel babies in Heaven, Ryan and Talon. Divorced. Semi-retired app developer, business partner, Commercial Real estate investor, Chicago Bears & Chicago Cubs fan, vegan, lifelong Catholic, voting independent party member, guitar playing singer who owns a dog, and 2 cats. We live in beautiful Denver, Colorado. I started my first blog Janaury 1st, 2012. Official owner of NotBatmanYet.com and @NotBatmanYet Twitter account.
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  1. Did you meet up with Tracy and her friend for lunch?

  2. I agree with Anne, I’ve greatly enjoyed your blog over the last few months. I’m past the intrigue and have dug deeper into the older posts and love your writing.

    I hope you will continue this blog, as a testament to you and your life; what you enjoy cooking and reading.

    I hope that this Thursday morning finds you well. God bless!

  3. Sam
    I have been enjoying your blog. Best part for me has been the recipes over to the left. The beans and toast has/have? piqued my interest. It sounds awful yet being a vegetarian ( yes, not vegan…bah me ) I think it may be yummy because of the ‘shrooms. At any rate it isn’t that I am no longer interested in the Meri thing it is that I think it is time to move on from this firestorm. I really hope your very real pain soon becomes a thing of the past. I wish the best for you and if you decide to keep up the blog I enjoy reading what you write. For my sake maybe you could start to blog about anything BUT the Meri thing. Do you think this may be a possibility? Your blog, your choice, of course. Know that my prayers are with you and I send only the best of wishes to you. Do what you need to do for you and thank you for what you have done here

  4. Sam, the healing process sucks whales balls! It just does. Every time I go through it, I grunt & loathe it until I realize that the end results is peace. And I so very much want my peace. So that notion always keeps me going.

    I know I’m just a stranger who has been reading your story for a few weeks now. I am drawn to it due to your grace & realness. Though I do not know you nor do you know me, I just wanted to let you know that there is someone in Milwaukee who believes in you & absolutely understands why your story matters to you. We are all One. There is a ripple effect. To thine own self be true. I hope you’re reunited with your peace again & soon. 🙂

  5. how come none of the new pictures you posted of meri have made it to twitter? they keep re posting that stupid banana one. the new pictures are the most attention grabbing but seem to have not attracted any attention at all. what do you think about kody publicly supporting meir? also her sister wives (even janelle) are all by her side.

    • I don’t know. The trolls are horrible people. I think it’s about f***ing time he finally showed her support. That’s what she needs right now. She ran back to them. I am happy for her if that’s what she wants. And the rest is none of my business.

  6. If you had a list of questions I never saw it. I delete more than I see because I’m getting about 200 comments a day and I can’t possibly answer all of them. I do the best I can.

    I will tell Lindsay to put the link somewhere more accessible. It’s a pretty funny video. Even if I don’t have any sweet dance moves to show off Lol

  7. I answered that question several times. I kept saying its on my blog. A lot of people found it. Sorry I wasn’t answering it well enough for you to find it. It was always in the links.

  8. So not answering my questions by deleting my comment just affirms you are the same person answering your own questions. Nearly had me believing there for a moment.

    • And you are wrong and making up a truth that suits your ego. I have never sent myself questions then answered them. And I didn’t answer your question because you are a troll. So now you are banned. Have a nice day.

  9. Hi! I don’t know if you’ve seen my question from yesterday. I just wanted to know the name and author of this book. I really liked the point of view. I hope you are doing better today. Just remember to take one day at a time. If that’s too hard, then take one minute at a time. Set small goals and you’ll make it through. Hang in there!

  10. Wow. Hits way to close to home. Many years under my belt and am dealing with the ultimate betrayal in my marriage . I truly believe that the emotions are the same as a death , worse when they are still “around” and you have no answers. No rule book on grief. No words, just hugs and know you are not alone .

  11. It’s been in the links. It’s not in a post or a comment. I don’t know if Lindsay took it off but several people have been posting the link to it around. You have asked me at least 7 times. Why?
    I removed a few posts to focus more on the posts that are more important to me. I will put those 3 posts back up after Sunday.

  12. Sam I’m inviting you to lunch today. Me and my friend are going to Chicago Diner in Logan Square today at noon. We would love to meet you there and talk. Bring someone with you if you are worried about meeting us. We are not trolls or stalkers. Just two women who are intrigued by your story. We will stay until 1pm. Write me back to let me know if you will be there. Hope to meet you soon you seem like a sweet guy.

  13. You love with your whole heart and that is beautiful.

  14. I’ve been a long time reader and felt the need to post tonight.

    Crying is cathartic and a step in the healing process regardless of who you are. People try to skip over this step far to often and quickly. Hence rebounds, hallow and one-sided relationships that follow that just rip us apart.

    Take care of yourself, take more time in mediation and prayer and I am sure that you will come out the other side of this a better person… a whole person. God Bless!

  15. Sam, I am also going through heartbreak. I am in Chicago as well. Let me buy you a coffee and give you a hug.

  16. You are grieving and it will take time and lots of tears and some bad days and some really bad days… But you will get through it and I pray you see the light at the end! You are a good man and you are very open and up front and someday you will find what you seek and maybe you had to go through this to get to that….. Hopefully you find some peace soon!!!

  17. In the midst of all of this you’ve continued living your life. It’s only normal for things to catch up with you. Do not be embarrassed, feel your feelings, and try to continue moving forward.

  18. Awww sometimes it’s okay to cry, hope things get better for you, keep ur chin up, after every storm is a beautiful rainbow 🙂 <3

  19. Sorry pressed publish to soon. Sam your grieving, give yourself a break! You felt the joy of finding your one and planning a future and now your grieving the loss of her and the part of you that you gave her. In essence you’ve lost yourself as well as her.

    You do like yourself , your a great guy with many attributes. You’ve managed to take hold of many hearts through this ordeal so your not alone. You will be okay you have to grieve first , unfortunately. You will always live with the pain, but it will get easier. ((Hugs))

  20. Although, I agree, I agree to a point. You can make yourself happy but the love of your life can and should make you happier than you’ve ever be be yourself.

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