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Dear Meri,
My baby. God is urging me to write this to you. I can’t explain why yet because I don’t even understand it myself. I realize that after tomorrow the spotlight on me, on us will be gone. So this is my last effort to try to reach out to you. No one will pay attention to anything I have to say after tomorrow. I am so excited this is all going to be over with. I feel like I can move on with my life and really find out what I’m made of. You haven’t made this very easy on me baby. It’s been hard hearing you cry. Hearing you say the things that we both know you are being told how to phrase it. Good tv. Ratings. Sell it. You think I don’t know the pressure to make this palpable. I get it. I want you to know I really do get it. And I don’t care. You do what you need to do. Say what you need to say. I can take it. Because my feelings aren’t what matter to me today.
You told me how many times all you ever wanted is for someone to fight for you. So here I am. My heart in my hands pleading with you to listen to me one more time. Just once more. If you offer me the grace to read this, feel me. Feel that my heart is still with you.
Meri I have never stopped loving you. I asked you to stay open to me from the beginning. I said that because I felt something special between us. I never knew it was going to lead us into the greatest love I have ever found. Staying open with you brought me to a new level of happiness. I felt invincible. I felt like I could take on anything. But most of all my love, I felt like I could take care of you.
You grew up in a way that I can never understand. I didn’t even realize that the cult mentality you lived within was all you knew. You do not recognize the abnormality of it. The stories you shared from your younger days I was blown away. It was shocking to hear the things you were surrounded by. And how you overcame all of it. But did you really? Maybe you are still that little girl that once felt scared, alone, and not safe. Maybe you have grown into this beautiful, smart, loving, caring woman that I fell in love with, yet you are still that scared, alone little girl that doesn’t feel safe.
I was your safe place. I was your strength. Your support. Your unconditional love. And I screwed up. I walked away from you the very moment I should have turned back and ran to get you. Meri I have kicked myself every single second that I didn’t come bang on your door that day and say come home with me. I should have. Meri I should have come got you. My God, why didn’t I do that? That is the pain inside of me. That is all of the hope for our love fading away.
Meri everyday without you I am lost. I don’t have my girl to talk to anymore. I don’t get to see those amazing eyes light up anymore. Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know that I regret not coming to get you? I fucked up Meri. I really fucked up by not coming to get you. When you told me to meet you at Tropical Smoothie on the day we planned, I showed up. By then we weren’t even talking. It was just a plan we made. I was there. And I waited for you. You didn’t show up and that’s when I realized it was really over for good.
I should have fought harder for you. I should have been kinder and sweeter. Meri I should have protected you. I was your safe place. You trusted me. You counted on me. And you loved me. My gosh Meri you loved me so much. I know you did. I believe that you did. You had my whole heart. I was all you had for those 6 precious months. And when we were good, we were so good. We were so deeply in love. You shined so bright. Your eyes light up for me. You are the most beautiful woman in the world when you are in love. I will never forget how your beauty captured my heart.
And all the laughs Lol Oh my Meri. We laughed so much. We had such a great time talking. I loved laughing with you. You made it so easy to love you. We just clicked. We connected. We would talk, I would say something stupid and we would bust up. Or you would say something so smart that blew me away or utter me speechless then we would crack up at how quick-witted you are.
I am so sorry for anything I did to make you feel small. I don’t want you to feel like a fool because I broke down your walls. I don’t want you to feel like I never loved you. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. I love you so much Meri it’s not about me. It’s about you.
I am sorry I posted everything.

I posted everything to prove that we existed. That Sam and Meri were a real thing, not some internet rumor that was being turned into a mountain of lies.

I posted everything because my ego and my pride were being shot down and I didn’t like that feeling.

I posted everything to show the world that I did love you. I really thought that posting everything would prove that you did love me and I loved you and how could anyone ever say we weren’t in love.
Then I realized today, just today, that posting everything was not about me at all. It was about you.
I posted everything as a gift to you Meri. I put it all out there to remind you of the times we had.
I posted it so you could hear how happy you were when you knew the love of one man who only had you to love.
I posted everything to hurt you into finding yourself.
I posted everything to give you your freedom.
You don’t realize it, you may not get it yet but someday you will be thankful that I posted everything. Because this moment in your life, I changed who you are. I either pissed you off so badly you are beginning to fight for your voice OR what I am really hoping has happened, I have reminded you that you are very, very important. And that you should have never lived in mute all of the past 5 years.
I showed you what 6 months of freedom would feel like. I gave you the gift of hope so that you could feel love from someone that only had you in mind. I wanted you to be mine. I prayed to God for you Meri. Even before I met you. I prayed God would bring someone in my life to shake things up and make me fall madly in love. That’s exactly what you have done. Here I am. Madly in love with you! Meri! And you’re gone…
Because I didn’t fight for you I lost you. Because I didn’t love you more than I loved myself, I didn’t come get you. I should have I swear to God if I could get that moment back again I would have said stay right there I’m coming to the park to get you. I swear on my son Meri I would have picked you!
You can go on national tv and tell everyone that I catfished you, tell everyone how “abusive” I almost was or whatever it was you said. You can continue to vilify me in the press, and tv and anywhere else you need to. But know that through all of this I’m no longer taking it personal. I truly get why you are saying those things out loud. I get it. I know why. Yes at first it was killing me. It made me cry. It made me very angry and disappointed. But I know the truth. You know the truth. You and I are the only ones on Earth that know our truth. I really do understand why you are saying those things.
I am a strong man. I always have been. I am strong enough to handle all of my hurts. And I am strong enough to handle all of yours too. The back that people are trying to break by laying on all of these lies and false stories about me can’t be broken. I’m standing here saying pile it all on because I’m going to stand up and hold all of this on my shoulders. I can get through anything Meri because of the love you showed me. And boy do I need it now more than ever. This has been hard. I’m not talking about hard on me, I’m talking about this has to be so hard on you. And I’m not there to hold you. I’m not there to comfort you in the way I know how. I can’t say Meri I love you, I just love you over and over and over again when you are having your fits and really upset. I can’t stand with you and hold your hand and love you through this.
I’m outside your gates now. And I deserve to be. But if you ever want to come outside to find me, I’m here.
I am offering you the friendship we started out with. No one has to know, or everyone can know. We don’t have to hide us anymore. I want you to know in your life, I will always be there for you. In anyway you want because a life without you, I’m not doing that very well. I am trying Meri but looking at my future, how in the hell am I supposed to do this without you? Maybe you feel the same way too?
We lost each other the moment I walked away. I gave you up and I wish I hadn’t. Please read this someday. I’m not writing this thinking you will run right over and have a look. I’m not asking anyone to send this to you. Please don’t do that anyone that sees this. Leave her alone. I’m writing it and sticking it online. Maybe in a couple of years you will think about us and smile and wonder what I’m up to. That’s why I am writing this. For that moment in a couple of years. And you will see that on November 21st, 2015 I wrote this last letter to you with a full heart of love. And I asked you to find your way back to me.
Stay open Meri. Stay open to me. Let’s see what could happen. Again.
You are my soulmate. You are my greatest love. And no matter what my life will become, you will always be the woman that left the protective film over her cellphone camera and snapped blurry photos for months. Until I came into your life, asked why is your world so blurry, here let me show you how to get a clearer picture. And I took off your protective shell around your heart. And your cellphone Lol
I love you Meri. I have loved you since the very first phone call when I made you laugh before you could even say Hello Samuel.You mean everything to me. And I’m here. I know we can’t talk. I know we can’t be together. I will wait for our Not Yet to maybe someday turn into the Yet we dreamed of.
Je t’aime de tout mon coeur et de mon ame. You are my dream come true. My heart will wait. And if you never come at least I know I tried. Because that’s the only way I can live with myself now. I fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing. You are an amazing woman. Your heart is so pure and good. You are a good woman. You are kind, loving, sweet, funny, my gosh so funny, smart, gifted, talented, and sentimental. And you don’t even realize how special you really are. Give yourself permission to leave. Give yourself the freedom to choose. Don’t stay because of your obligations. Live your life. You have lived the life you thought you had to. I am giving you your freedom to choose. Go if you want to go, stay if you want to stay. Meri, if you are happy there, I hope and pray you stay forever. I really do. You are free Meri. Live, your life. You have done all you can do for everyone else.

This is your time.

It’s your life.

Be extraordinary.

Be You.
Come find me my love. You found me once, you can find me again. We are fate. We are connected. We are meant. We are Serendipity.

I love you Meri.
Love Always,

Samuel

 

35 thoughts on “This is both a message and a prayer”

  1. This is a beautiful letter from your Heart to Meri. Maybe, if she saw it, her heart would ache for you and she would stop posting all this nonsense on Twitter alluding to you. But, you blocked Meri so how will she ever see these beautiful feelings that you have for her? Any woman would feel happy and lucky to have someone feel this way for them. Maybe, if you unblocked her, she could see this and change her mind and heart about you and what she’s done to you. After you unblock her you could have someone casually tell her about it so that she can see it. If she has felt all that she has, she probably checks constantly to see what your writing about her and this could make her see things differently. I know I would be. Btw, I know you have a lot people contacting you, but would you like a new pen pal?

  2. Why is this at the top of the blog? I believe you are real. Meri needs to stop covering up this real affair! Post more about this topic!! 😊

  3. Why would they push Christine so hard to admit specific instances of jealously and not push Meri at all to admit how ridiculous it was to state anyone motivated her by fear??? At Disneyland??
    And why did she get to skate over she clearly thought she was talking to a man??
    So when did it become clear to her she was talking to a woman??
    How is TLC even thinking for a minute we bought this?? Even if she were “catfished” they was no accountability?? No real questions answered at all!!
    So disappointed and if that was their hope to garner ratings for the new season, well they insulted me as a viewer by not answering direct questions by saying they didn’t want to go there?? In a tell-all?? Please!!
    And really how dare they go after sweet Christine when they had someone really compromising their family sitting right next to her.
    I, for one, am pissed off. How are YOU will all of this Samuel??

  4. Kody didn’t seem to believe Meri as she spoke of the affair . He was almost looking at Meri with the side eye. Also don’t know if u noticed Sam, there was a moment that Meri looked like she was biting her bottom lip ( her signal) to Sam.

    Everyone I’ve spoke to agrees Meri looks guilty. Had I been the interviewer I would have pushed Meri much harder.

  5. I feel stabby after that ridiculous “tell all”. Does Meri think we can’t tell that the things she said to you in those voice mails were said in all sincerity? If she doesn’t feel that way now I get it, but is she trying to say that everything she did and said during your entire relationship was motivated by fear? Or did I misunderstand what she was trying to say? She has now made herself look foolish.
    She also seemed to waffle around with the idea that you don’t exist but she talked about you as if you do, wtf?
    Is this letter to her your last word on this subject, Sam?

  6. Sam
    Can we stay in contact? I have Skype. We can call. I feel close to you. It pisses me off what’s been done to you. I am a gay female. I’m not looking for love. I have no hidden agenda. I can’t stand that whole plural marriage shit. Meri needs YOU. Deserves YOU. I am and can be vicious for my beliefs. I believe in YOU. Can you not put this in the open unless you feel you must.

  7. Did the blogs I sent you help you to find any peace, clarity, and new awareness? Sometimes we have to help remind each other that there is an important lesson in everything we experience. Today you stand a stronger, more loving, more compassionate person because of this amazing life journey. Releasing the hurt, judgement, negative thoughts, and need to be right allows us to just be free to accept and love others where they are and as they are.

    Thanks so much for sharing this adventure with us. You gained so many new friends along the way.

    I believe that you found your soulmate in Meri and she in you, if not as a lover right now but a friend and guide. You have both been searching for each other and attracted one another because there were lessons you both needed to teach and learn.

    Namaste.

  8. Sam;
    Where ever your journey leads you know that you tried. You did your best. What sucks for you is that people got involved.. Created fake was accounts…tried to discredit you, but to no avail. Like you said…you KNOW the truth as well as Meri. That is all that matters. You are still here. And frankly who you are or what you are m after a not. You brought happiness to a woman who clearly is and was unhappy. She loved you. That was not for ratings. We all maybe hopeful romantics I suppose…but there is no rating worth giving up…all that real love. If so….how very sad. May you find peace soon. And you no matter who you are deserve…to be loved without ratings and trolls.

  9. If you delete everything off, how will she be able to think of you and find all this later like you had intended? If it’s not too painful, you should leave it all up. I can bet it’s helping others through some things that neither you or the reader had expected 🙂

  10. Remember what happened to me I moved on and the love of my life came back and we will celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary next year ! You just never know~ you never replied to another post you received~ will this be the end of your blog ? Would that be best ? Do what you need to do for YOU…..

    1. I had this blog before Meri I will have it after Meri but there will be no more need to talk about her on here and I will be deleting all of this stuff off of here.

  11. Hey sam, I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, can i please send you an email with my Skype or phone number so i can call you with questions? I’m truly intrigued by you and would love to talk to you personally. I love how you write, you write so beautifully.

  12. Absolutely BEAUTIFUL Sam, I hope she does read it & I hope things work out for both of you and you find your way back to each other! I am a firm believer in “If its meant to be, it will be!” Love always finds a way Sam! I Hope & Pray you get your girl!

  13. That was the turning point for me.
    Regardless of any qualifying characteristics,
    she wanted you. And it really doesn’t matter
    who “you” are … to us, only to her. We all wear
    masks and present ourselves differently to different
    people, you know? I hope you have your closure, even
    better if that closure is a new beginning!!! 🙂

  14. Samuel, something about when Meri said, “Bastard.”
    It almost came off to me as if you let her down.
    Didn’t sound scared or angrt even, more sad and disappointed.
    Do you know what I mean?

  15. I thought I was the only one who loves Joshua Radin. I have 2 albums by him and a few singles. The song you picked was perfect for the sentiments of your beautiful letter. You truly laid all out for her. You emptied yourself. I hope the letter finds its way to Meri’s heart.
    Question. Does this mean this is your ending of this story or are you going to continue sharing with us.

  16. Samuel—-I am proud of you—-finally you have given all there is to give— yourself, your soul, your heart, your truth……. Yes, I am proud of you. Linda

  17. “We existed.” Profound.

    Sam, Tracy from Milwaukee again. I always knew that was why you put it all out there, on these pages. I am so happy that you figured that out for yourself. Yes!! You can now be free. And in being free, it frees Meri also, whether she knows it consciously or not.

    I am just a gal, who watched the show she is on, from my living room in the Midwest because I love theology, the Universe & “The Unknown.” I instantly “loved” Meri because she was so REAL. I always thought, ‘I could SO hang with her & we would have a blast!’ Her spirit exuded through the ethers of modern television & touched me even though religion & polygamy repels me.

    Half a decade later …. Here we all are. I say “we” as we are all One. Life IS a ripple effect. What I say to one, goes through them to others. So on & so forth. We all have that energy. We all affect & cause ripples in others. It just is.

    I say “we” also because Meri needs to know that she’s not alone. Outside of that “bubble” she has to live in, are people who do care about her. Who don’t judge her. That do want to see her happy. Even if we’re “strangers,” we do care.

    I would watch her & marvel at how real she was, despite having had such an unconventional upbringing then adult life. I’d often wondered, “Does Meri know how real she is?” I cannot imagine what her life has been like to have only really “lived” in that unconventional bubble. Then Sam came along & shook up her snow globe & the Princess was freed.

    I’m not a psychologist. But I always got the gut feeling that in the “end,” Meri ran back to the only “safe zone” she knew because it’s human nature to run to the “devil you know” after you go through a profound soul shaking experience. It’s hard to trust that “it” was REAL.

    My hopes are that Meri feels the ripple effect, finds her wings & just soars. That she uses the strength she really has & finally believes that she DOES have it. Because Meri exists. Sam exists. We all exist.

    And to you, Sam, I have the sudden feeling to just belt out the Mary Tyler Moore theme song to you ….. “You’re going to make it after alllllllllll.” hahaha. Happy Snowy Saturday!

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