32f38bbacc2fc5dac65390b2ec43d0b8  I spent Thanksgiving flying half way across the world. Maybe a part of me wanted to run as far away as I could get. Or maybe I needed to fill my hours with more than thinking about things. Either way I ended up in Paris first. The city I love the most in all of the world. I saw my employees and made sure they were all well. We went as a group to lay flowers at one of the memorials. And I prayed. I prayed for all of Paris. I prayed to keep my employees and friends in Paris safe. I prayed for my heart to heal and remember love is more than the memories I cling to.

Then I flew off to Dubai to meet up with 5 of my buddies. They are all stationed in Japan and could not get home in time to spend the holiday with their families. They did manage to get time off just enough to hang out with me. And it was just what I needed. 5 guys telling me to let things go. To look at what is in front of me instead of what is behind me. To think about the next beautiful, amazing woman who will actually want to make a life with me. And how I am robbing that woman right now, of even trying to welcome her in. As they were talking all I could picture was Peyton. It’s confusing.

Peyton is young, beautiful, sweet. She is a dream and would be perfect for me. But she came into my life at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons and I have stuck her in the Friendzone so hard, she’s emotionally pinned on a board. And I refuse to take her down. She wants down. She wants to try to date me. Even now she tells me why am I fighting this. She says she knows things I don’t, she sees in my heart and she knows we can make it work out. I just have to let go and try. It’s the one thing I can’t seem to do. At least not with her.

I am enjoying being alone. I am taking time to heal this loss and feel the sadness. It’s so sad to me still. All of this. By the end of this week I will be removing everything off of this blog about the affair. It’s time to let that rest where it is. Which is nowhere. It feels like I have felt every feeling in the world and it’s slowly draining out of my life. I’m left to figure it out. My life never did fall apart. It sure felt like it. But I was okay. I handled it well. I stayed as graceful as I could and I continued to be who I am at the core. Which is a man completely in love with one woman. I have always said my truth, which is I’m still in love with her.

I know that a breakup takes the time it takes. I also know that staying positive and open will bring into my life the great love I want. But in the meantime, I’m just going on with my life. I’m happy. Maybe a little lonely but I’m okay with that. You are supposed to feel sad and lonely after a deep loving relationship ends, right? I mean I can’t be the only one on Earth that knows what this feels like. And all of you have moved on and figured out what to do next. If you guys can do it, so can I.

I have been thinking about things a lot and I want to look into adopting a kid. I know it seems impossible but I think it’s what I want the most in life. I’m going to go to my local agency tomorrow after work and get information. I know the next step is to go to some sort of orientation meeting where you can ask questions and get more information. I really think this is what I want. I love kids. I want kids. And right now if I wait to get over Meri, it’s going to be years, maybe decades before I try to let anyone love me again. I know I have a lot to offer a kid. I know it’s what I have always wanted. Yes it’s not traditional because I should just go be with someone and make my own kids. But right now, that’s not what I want. It’s not who I am anymore. So I need to get information first. And pray on it. God will answer me. I trust God. If it’s not meant to be, I accept it. But I would like to give myself a chance.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I am trying to catch up on my sleep. It was a whirlwind of a trip. And I needed it. I’m glad ya’ll are still leaving me messages on here. It helps. Nothing is worse than feeling alone when you are going through something so horrible and public. The messages I received over the past 2 months have helped me feel okay. Helped me realize there are some very sweet people in this world.

Thank you guys. I am thankful for you.

48 thoughts on “Weekend update”

  1. I enjoy your writing as well! You really do have a way with words… I was following you on twitter too, but also got blocked. Seeing a bunch of others did too, I guess it wasn’t personal. I am not a troll, or out to get you. I am new to using twitter & don’t have a lot of twitter friends yet. Good luck with everything! I think adoption or fostering is a great idea!

  2. Keep writing. Not only will it help you heal, you are a gifted writer and, selfishly, I love reading your blogs. I’m glad you’re not rushing into another relationship when you still have such strong feelings,about Meri. In the moments that you are feeling most heartbroken, remember you’ve been through grief and great loss before and survived it even tho at the time you probably weren’t sure you could. But here you are!! And someday you’ll look back on this and be incredulous that you made it through. I’ve no doubt that, like you, Meri misses you every day.It’s probably even worse for her because she can’t freely express all her thoughts and feelings whenever she wants to. Heartbreak is the worst. But someone like you can and will love again, be it Meri or someone else. I promise you it gets better. I’m no stranger to heartbreak and some days I wanted to die it hurt so bad, but it eventually gets better.
    Incidentally, I was blocked on your twitter, too, and you’re right … you don’t know me. But I’m no hacker or troll. I’m not playing amateur detective ripping you apart to get the “real story”. In other words, @hadham is harmless should you have a change of heart. . I follow the sister wives but to the best of my knowledge I don’t follow or interact with people who are harassing you. I’m not into drama or mean people. I see some odd and mostly sarcastic tweets flying around re: notbatmanyet and wish I understood what they are referencing as there are some truly bizarre accusations out there. If you see that I am inadvertently following one of your cyber bullies, please tell me who and I will unfollow them, ok?
    Please continue posting for you but also those of us who love your writing. You have a gift and could give Nicholas Sparks a real run for his money if you ever turned your gift into writing novels. Stick with it!! And I will keep reading. And thank you…. ❤

  3. I just wanted to say hi Sam.We talked on Twitter a few times but then you blocked me for some reason. Hope all is well! I am glad you had a great Thanksgiving and I hope each day gets a little easier for you!
    I bet any you will be a wonderful dad!!!

  4. I simply cannot understand how Kody found four women to marry him. He seems like such a misogynist and the women appear to have decent intelligence. I don’t get it. 😕

  5. I just cannot stand Kody. He wouldn’t be a good husband to one woman let alone 4! I wish Meri could have been honest and just left. Even if she left for herself and not you it would have been in her best interest. How can she live with the fact that he melted his wedding band that she put on her finger? How could she allow a divorce to adopt another man’s children? Those kids have a dad. There are so many kids without father’s. Try to adopt one if that is what is in your heart. If you have half the love for a child that you had for Meri you would be an amazing Dad!

  6. I think with the amount of love you seem to possess,you would make a wonderful father.
    Congratulations on opening a new door to finding the happiness you deserve.

    As for Peyton I totally agree. She may not think so right now but at some point like any woman would, she will feel as though you settled on her. Which you would be settling if you dated her in particular. Nobody deserves to feel like the consolation prize.

  7. 5000-7000 a month is a HUGE amount of money for a family! I don’t understand how they are struggling. Maybe Meri was exaggerating because she knew you were rich and wanted you to send her some money?

  8. Sam, I want you to know that I believe in you and I believe someday you will have all the good things you desire in your life. Look forward and only look back to see the lessons you learned. 😉

  9. If I may suggest, there is a huge need for foster parents. Perhaps while you are going through the adoption preparation, you would consider being a foster Dad. The kids need you! They are challenging and heartbreaking and fun and some of the best teachers you will ever have. You can choose your age group and gender if you want (I can’t handle little ones, so I have a houseful of teens. I love it!) Think about it. Go in peace.

  10. Sam, was Meri grossed out by the fact that he was physically with one of the wives one day & the next with another? With or without you do you think she will eventually leave him?

    1. She wasn’t grossed out as you can see they do not discuss their sex lives with each other. Meri told me about her sex life with him. And she said it wasn’t good. Yes I do believe she will leave him.

  11. Sam, Has Meri tried to contact you ? Or do you both have a mutual friend which gives you her current state of mind? Also who are all those people that write so negative about you, it’s like a small group whom seem to spd their entire day on Twitter after you.. Do you know them or do they know Meri?

    1. She has contacted me. One of her best friends reached out to me months ago to talk to me about this whole thing. Meri confides in her so she wanted my side. We met at my house so I could prove to her my whole life identity and that I have money. We talked for 3 hours. She said she loves Meri and knows Meri loved me. And she really hadn’t seen Meri that happy with him. She said Meri told her the same stories about Kody being mean to her. We have stayed in touch and she used to tell me things but I asked her to just be my friend. To not tell me anything else. Because she needs to tell Meri we are friends now it’s not right to go behind her back. She chose to not tell Meri and stopped updating me as of Thanksgiving. The mean people are the trolls. They spend all day talking shit about me and Lindsay. It’s sad. I pray for them.

  12. Doesn’t Meri understand that not being married to Kody does not mean that she isn’t a part of the family anymore. It is obvious that she loves all the kids and her relationship with Kody doesn’t change that. I hope she realizes this soon.

    1. She said she was never going to leave the family and that is true. She told me how important it was to her to be around the kids and Robyn. She said she was done with him but of course in the tell all she was never asked if she was still in love with him or if their marriage was done or if she wanted to leave him. They never addressed the state of her marriage but made it a point to address him and Christine. It was all in the phrasing of questions and phrasing of her answers. She went on tv and lied.

  13. What do you mean Kody can’t afford everything with the show? TLC pays them very well and they purchased each of their 4 homes for over 450,000 each! No bank would approve them for mortgages of that high unless they were making a killing.

    1. Yes they get paid a lot and they also can’t afford their houses. Robyn has a medical lien on her house from medical bills. I think Christine also has a medical lien because of medical bills. They help pay for the kids in college and out shopping and spending a lot of money. It does not cover everything. Meri has to put things on credit cards then pay them off when she can. They are all on about $5000 to $7000 a month budget. They all have mortgages that went up $700 a month because their interest rates rose. Which none of them expected. When the show ends they are going to be in trouble. This is why Meri is protecting the show from the real truth.

  14. Happy to see you are home and had such a good trip. Great to hear you will adopt. There are a lot of kids out there who need a home. Sounds like you have an exciting journey ahead of you. I have three children and they have been the shining light in my life.

  15. Sam—A lesson I learned 18 years ago—it takes as long as it takes—for me it is ongoing—-but I have high hopes you friend—life will be good to you and someday you look back at all the learned lessons and be thankful for them—-your future is bright —- smile and enjoy !!!!

  16. Welcome back! Glad you had a happy Thanksgiving and were able to reconnect with your buddies! The adoption news is quite exciting!! Keep praying and God will open the doors that you are supposed to walk through. You’re the better person for ignoring the trolls. They are some of the most despicable beings. Yuck! One of the many reasons I only use Twitter to read news, follow foodies and trials that interest me and read about the cheesy mindless tv shows that I use to wind down at night. I’m glad to have ‘met’ you through this mess. Remember, there would be no rainbows without a little rain. In the grand scheme of life, these last few awful months will be just a blip. Light always trumps darkness. Keep moving forward, Samuel! I look forward to watching you accomplish your goals! Hugs from little Rhode Island!

  17. Well if she reads it. Meri please do a tell all when you finally leave. I know you feel you have to lie right now for whatever reason. I would loooove to finally hear the truth from one of the wives. I am really wanting it to be you.

  18. For whatever it’s worth. I hope in time you will write a book or talk to the media. To set the record straight and also get some monetary gain for the hardship and the slander you have received.

    1. I am writing a book but I’m not going to charge much for it. I’m clearly not out for fame or money otherwise I would have sold all of this or went on tv.

  19. I’m glad you had such a great trip, I still hope to make it over to Europe at some point in my life. Someday! 🙂 I think it’s wonderful that you’re considering adoption, even getting information — there are so many children that need stable loving homes.

    I also think that it’s wonderful how you are really feeling your feelings. Allowing yourself to be sad, so often people rush into things so they can skip over some tough, but necessary healing in the process of breaking up and it winds up causing problems later on.

    Wishing you all of the best, Samuel!

  20. From all the messages I have listened to Meri loved you. Please remember The network that carries her show is a powerful corporation that scripts what sister wives say. I truly wonder how Cody could support the family without that show. He couldn’t. Just my opinion.

  21. Hi Sam. I have been reading your updates I am so proud of you. You have stood up to a lot of negative comments and proved yourself a champ. I believe everything you have written

    1. Thank you Donna. I try not to complain about the negative people but there are some very mean people that spend a great deal of time talking about me and my life. I pray for them.

  22. You’re back! Sounds like a rewarding trip on several fronts. I agree with Noetic Nomad. Chin up, you’re gonna make it. Lots of single people adopt and so many kids need a forever home. Look forward to reading about your adoption journey. Take care, Sam. 😊

  23. That’s good to hear time to move on! Good for u! One question…wasn’t Michael ur son? Or was he a family member that went to Disney with u? sorry I just never knew who he was…thank u!

    1. I met Mike when he was 8 years old. I was matched up with him in the Big Brothers program. We stayed in touch even after he moved. I have put him through college and graduate school now. He lives in Denver and he is a son to me. He calls me dad and his mom keeps in touch with me too. He’s a great kid. Just figuring out his life. I see him 3 or 4 times a year.

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