I spent Thanksgiving flying half way across the world. Maybe a part of me wanted to run as far away as I could get. Or maybe I needed to fill my hours with more than thinking about things. Either way I ended up in Paris first. The city I love the most in all of the world. I saw my employees and made sure they were all well. We went as a group to lay flowers at one of the memorials. And I prayed. I prayed for all of Paris. I prayed to keep my employees and friends in Paris safe. I prayed for my heart to heal and remember love is more than the memories I cling to.
Then I flew off to Dubai to meet up with 5 of my buddies. They are all stationed in Japan and could not get home in time to spend the holiday with their families. They did manage to get time off just enough to hang out with me. And it was just what I needed. 5 guys telling me to let things go. To look at what is in front of me instead of what is behind me. To think about the next beautiful, amazing woman who will actually want to make a life with me. And how I am robbing that woman right now, of even trying to welcome her in. As they were talking all I could picture was Peyton. It’s confusing.
Peyton is young, beautiful, sweet. She is a dream and would be perfect for me. But she came into my life at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons and I have stuck her in the Friendzone so hard, she’s emotionally pinned on a board. And I refuse to take her down. She wants down. She wants to try to date me. Even now she tells me why am I fighting this. She says she knows things I don’t, she sees in my heart and she knows we can make it work out. I just have to let go and try. It’s the one thing I can’t seem to do. At least not with her.
I am enjoying being alone. I am taking time to heal this loss and feel the sadness. It’s so sad to me still. All of this. By the end of this week I will be removing everything off of this blog about the affair. It’s time to let that rest where it is. Which is nowhere. It feels like I have felt every feeling in the world and it’s slowly draining out of my life. I’m left to figure it out. My life never did fall apart. It sure felt like it. But I was okay. I handled it well. I stayed as graceful as I could and I continued to be who I am at the core. Which is a man completely in love with one woman. I have always said my truth, which is I’m still in love with her.
I know that a breakup takes the time it takes. I also know that staying positive and open will bring into my life the great love I want. But in the meantime, I’m just going on with my life. I’m happy. Maybe a little lonely but I’m okay with that. You are supposed to feel sad and lonely after a deep loving relationship ends, right? I mean I can’t be the only one on Earth that knows what this feels like. And all of you have moved on and figured out what to do next. If you guys can do it, so can I.
I have been thinking about things a lot and I want to look into adopting a kid. I know it seems impossible but I think it’s what I want the most in life. I’m going to go to my local agency tomorrow after work and get information. I know the next step is to go to some sort of orientation meeting where you can ask questions and get more information. I really think this is what I want. I love kids. I want kids. And right now if I wait to get over Meri, it’s going to be years, maybe decades before I try to let anyone love me again. I know I have a lot to offer a kid. I know it’s what I have always wanted. Yes it’s not traditional because I should just go be with someone and make my own kids. But right now, that’s not what I want. It’s not who I am anymore. So I need to get information first. And pray on it. God will answer me. I trust God. If it’s not meant to be, I accept it. But I would like to give myself a chance.
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I am trying to catch up on my sleep. It was a whirlwind of a trip. And I needed it. I’m glad ya’ll are still leaving me messages on here. It helps. Nothing is worse than feeling alone when you are going through something so horrible and public. The messages I received over the past 2 months have helped me feel okay. Helped me realize there are some very sweet people in this world.
Thank you guys. I am thankful for you.