Page 5 of my book Almost Meri’ed

ebookcover1  Where was I? Oh yes! As a kid I modeled how my parents acted until my teachers at school kept giving me timeout in the captain’s chair. When I say the captain’s chair you might think that sounds like a really cool fun thing an elementary school student would want to sit in. No. What the nuns made you do is stand in a corner, squat like you were sitting on an imaginary chair with your arms straight out and stand like that until you either fell over, faked a fall to get out of it, or until the kitchen timer went off. It was never long enough that you learned your lesson. I’m sure if that was the goal I would still be in the corner. I was never in trouble for running my mouth off in class. Or pulling pigtails. I always got in trouble because I wouldn’t rat out my friends. They would do stuff that always seem to involve me somehow. Making me pass notes, making me sneeze loud so they could make a weird noise to distract the class at the same time. It was always something. Because I was a good 6 inches taller than anyone else my little brown-haired head was always the one the teacher focused on. I don’t have a very good poker face at all so my big grin always gave it away that I was somehow involved. Instead of wasting time finding out who really did the bad things I would get punished for not giving up any names. It sounds bad but on the playground I had mad street cred for this. All of my friends would high-five me for taking the captain’s chair in stride. Loyalty is a must as a kid to keep your friends.
I honestly believe my parents should have never gotten married. I would pray they would leave each other. Even worse a few times I prayed my dad would never come home. I am ashamed of admitting that but I wanted him gone. By the time I entered high school I had a lot of really good friends I had survived elementary and middle school with.
Then came Lisa. My first everything. She told me on the first day of freshman year that I was going to be her boyfriend. I said okay. Not really knowing or thinking what that meant then went on ignoring her for the rest of the week. Friday after school she told me we had to go on a date so everyone would see we were a couple. I said I don’t have any money and I doubted my mom would give me $10 to go anywhere. She said figure it out see you at Dairy Queen around 6. And that was it. My first date and the beginning of an off and on 15 year relationship with this girl. There was one other girl in between Lisa and Meri, I won’t talk about her. And then Meri. Lisa showed me how to be in a relationship. Meri showed me how to nurture and build a relationship. And the sex with Meri was amazing. She’s really, well I will get more in detail about our sex life in a few more chapters.

Lisa and I got along very well because she understood being Catholic. She didn’t pressure me into anything. She told me what to do, where to be, and who to talk to. I was a sucker for her cute smile. I’m also a people pleaser so doing whatever made her happy was more important to me than doing anything I wanted. It made me happy to make her happy. By the way, don’t be like that in relationships. It eventually makes you resentful. I know that now.

Page 4 of my book Almost Meri’ed

ebookcover1  We grew up going to Catholic school, Church on Wednesday nights and Sundays. Sometimes twice on Sundays. That depended on how bad we had behaved all week. And I was usually not the cause of that. I stayed quiet. It became easier to deal with my dad as the years went on. After a while I figured out how to handle his drinking and being mad. I coped. That’s what a lot of us do as kids. We know there is something wrong with one of our parents or a sibling and we ride it out. Instead of really knowing what to say or do, we hide what we feel or think. Then as adults all of this repressed anger comes out in our relationships and friendships.

It took me a long time to figure out why I felt I had to work out so much. It was all of this undeveloped anger I never let out as a kid. Working out made me feel better. I could be aggressive, push myself like I wanted to push on my dad. I coped. That’s not how things should be. We all need to learn at an early age to communicate. I also really believe you should take your kids individually on dates. Show them how a young lady or a young gentleman should respect you as their date. Maybe start around the age of 5 and go to dinner or a movie. Something that makes them use manners and open up to you. Lead them by example so when they do start dating they already have the necessary tools. No one took me aside and said this is how you treat a girl on a date. I just did what all of my friends were doing. I said a lot of really dumb things and embarrassed myself. I wasn’t using manners very well and I kind of blew off my date to go hang out with my friends as soon as we arrived somewhere. As an adult I would never pull a stunt like that. I figured out how to deal with it better. I think a lot of problems are the deterioration of manners and certain feelings of entitlement. I admit it I’m still learning how to deal with relationships. I’m obviously not very good at them. But I keep trying because one of these days I’m going to meet someone who stays around and molds me into this perfect version of myself. I can do all that I can on my own, but it takes a subjective and unconditional love to really get you fine tuned. Or trained, right ladies?

You might as well know by this point I tend to veer off from the topic I start out on. That’s how my mind works. I find myself writing this and wanting to talk about all kinds of life experiences I have had. You will get used to it. I make perfect sense without the guidance of grammar or sentence structure. I’m going to drive some strict spelling and grammar police nuts. That makes me laugh thinking of them reading my book wanting to bang their head on the table. It’s left exactly as I wrote it. I’m not a professional writer, obviously. I’m not trying to pretend I am by using words I would never really use in my life. I could write a soliloquy of extemporaneous topics but what fun would be that? I don’t talk like that. I actually had to look up both of those words to make sure I spelled them right. I didn’t by the way. I got close.

Strategic planning or something like that

Advertising_Strategies  Since my publisher has zero budget for marketing and advertising my ebook I have to be creative here to get the word out by myself. I’m using the tabloids to put it out there. I hate they write such lies and crap but at least my book is getting mentioned. It’s a wicked trade-off. I laugh every time I see them using some guy’s photo. It was a play on words using a photo and a soccer ball. A symbolic nod to the movie Castaway and the volleyball co-star, Wilson. Obviously that joke didn’t go over well. The poor guy, whoever he is, may not find it so funny at this point. Still funny to me. That’s why you shouldn’t screenshot something from a website and explain in your infinite wisdom what the author is saying. Instead, just ask. Don’t assume because the results make you look really stupid. Again, things that make me laugh in my very public life.

I have no dreams of becoming rich or famous at all. That’s not what I’m trying to achieve. I want my story, my truth, and my words to speak for me. Since there are so many others trying to explain who I am to anyone that will listen I’m choosing to release the first 5 pages of my book on here, for free. That should drum up enough interest for people to want to buy it.

It’s working. In the last 2 days I have sold over 500 more copies. That money isn’t staying in my pocket. I will donate it all to polygamy escape groups. I think we should go full circle on this thing. I hope you all understand escaping from a cult life like polygamy is both scary and financially devastating. You literally leave with whatever you can carry and the clothes on your back. I support anyone that wants to leave this lifestyle. I also support those that choose to stay. It’s their life, let them go as they wish. But I don’t know of any charities that help women or men in polygamy. Is there such a thing? If so, I will donate to them too. I like to keep things fair and balanced.

I hope ya’ll are having a great start to the new year. I know I am. I am in Las Vegas and having a great time with work and meeting new friends. It’s no longer hard to be here. I let all of the bad feelings and hurts go. I had to. God wants me to move past my mistakes. God wants me to show love and compassion. It took me a few months but I really am okay. I am no longer in love with Meri. Her words finally sank in. She was never going to leave to be with me. Which also means she never really loved me. That broke me. But it’s okay now. I’m glad she broke me. I guess at some point she was going to anyway. Better sooner than later? I am happy. I really am. I’m proud of dealing with all of this stuff with as much grace and dignity as I can. I pray for the moments of frustration that have found a voice in me. I also forgive myself for thinking I could love her with all of my heart and make her believe we could have a life together. That was really stupid. What the hell was I thinking? Lol

I hope you have enjoyed reading the first few pages of my book. It will be released soon. To answer the question I get daily, NO that is NOT the cover of my ebook. That is the most ridiculous cover art the publisher sent to me as a sample and I crack up laughing every time I see it. My cover is a lot simpler and better than that. Nice work whoever did this, you really need to be fired. It’s ridiculous. I guess you get what you pay for.

Is it Friday yet? I’m going to Seattle for the weekend. A friend of mine is getting married. I’m so excited to be with my friends. It’s been over 2 years since I’ve seen any of them. The bachelor party Friday night is going to be crazy. After having a crazy New Year’s eve I don’t know how much more partying I can take. Thank goodness I don’t drink alcohol. I would still be recovering.

Speaking of that I went hiking this past weekend. Man my legs were on fire. I woke up the next day like the old man I’m becoming. I thought to myself why did you hike in the canyon for over 2 hours, was it worth it now, big guy? Lol No! I’m in great shape but apparently not hiking shape.

I joined a local gym. I’ve been going after work at night. 5:30 to 7pm. I’m hitting the weight room hard. And doing a little boxing. I have never put on boxing gloves to work out before. I’ve been in a lot of fist fights but I found out my technique of just slugging the heck out of someone as hard as I can just doesn’t work on a big bag. It just makes your hand really sore. I’m a lefty so sparing with some other boxing guys is a huge advantage. I can slip a quick uppercut in there and they don’t see it coming. It also sucks because I am not set up to watch out for any hook shots that come back at me Lol Southpaw FTW!

I am happy. I’m in a good place. It’s nice to be back in Vegas. Work is going really well. Things are calm. I am enjoying the peace in my life. I love ya’ll, God loves you too. Have a great rest of this week!

 

Page 3 of my book Almost Meri’ed

  ebookcover1Chapter 1

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That’s how it started. I don’t know why. I stopped questioning soon after it started. It just felt right. Something between us was very powerful. We had a connection from the first moment. I knew something special was going on but I thought it was a friendship. I kept telling her stay open to me. Let’s see where this friendship goes. Stay open and open up to me. I promised to do the same. That’s what we began to do. We started talking a lot. More than we should have. That’s how I know she needed me in her life in that moment. She would contact me, I would reply. That’s how I am with everybody. I rarely initiate conversation because I honestly am too focused on work. I have a million things going on all at once and if I take a step back I always end up missing something. I hate failing at anything. I’m very competitive with myself. I push way too hard, I self-criticize. That’s why nothing any bystander to this affair says hurts my feelings. I get annoyed but that’s the extent of it. I have a thick skin. Growing up the way I did, you had to or you wouldn’t have made it out of that house feeling good at all.
I grew up in Nebraska. It was a home for a big portion of my life. It no longer feels like home when I return to see my family. Everything has changed. We’ll get to that part later.  My mom came from money. Not her family was well off. I’m talking money. Big amounts of money and they made everyone realize it. My dad married her in spite of that, well, because of me. They got pregnant unexpectedly and my grandmother told him he would marry her or else. The or else would be blacklisted for any kind of job in a 5 county area. Which literally would have been the death to his construction business. At the age of 3 we moved to Texas. My dad was chasing the construction boom down there and running away from her family. Now as an adult looking back, I don’t blame him. Nothing he could have done would have ever been good enough and he knew it. That made him angry. Very angry at me because I was the reason he was stuck in his life. He may have loved my mom but it didn’t show very often. The man worked everyday of his life trying to provide for all of us. That much I can say made me proud to be his son. I have never seen another man work as hard as my dad. He was mean, sometimes violent, but he worked hard. That was the accepted excuse growing up in that environment.
Shortly after we arrived in Texas my mom found out she was pregnant. This time it was planned. My little brother Danny was the prince. Being the baby you expect your siblings to get anything they want. This was also because my dad wanted him. I grew up feeling like I didn’t belong to my own family. I was pushed harder than my brother, I was told to lead, to stand up for myself, to protect what was mine and to work for it. My dad told us from early on we will do chores, we will help him on jobs, and we will work for things. He was not raising boys that were handed things. That was throwing shade at my Uncles, my mom’s brothers. None of them worked. Even now, none of them work. They didn’t have to, so they just didn’t. I grew up  thinking my uncles were fun. They were always happy and laughing. They took me on crazy car rides into town. They would buy me candy and tell me to watch out for girls that girls would ruin my life. All of them have been married at least twice. Some more than 4 times. I believe that’s because they don’t have a work ethic. You tend to want to come home and stay home at night after a hard day’s work. Without jobs it was one party to the next blowing money just to stay they can. I didn’t realize they were alcoholics. I just thought they were funny. They had taught all of us to go fetch them another bottle. Meaning more scotch or more whatever was hanging out by the liquor cabinet. I thought it was like soda pop. But for adults only because I was told never to drink it, ever. It was poisonous to kids. I was really dumb when I was younger. Maybe not dumb, just naive. I still am.

2nd page from my book Almost Meri’ed

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Everyone seems to think that I met Meri on Twitter in March of 2015. That’s not true. We had met a lot sooner than that and had a few casual conversations. Nothing serious. I have seen 2 seasons of the show but not all of the episodes. I was familiar with the basic concept but wouldn’t consider myself a fan. I didn’t know everyone’s names, didn’t know they had lived outside of Las Vegas and wasn’t really sure how many kids there were.  I recorded most of the episodes and on my off weekends when I had time to get stuff off of my DVR, I would sit down for a tv binge. If the episode was boring I would chuck it. And most of them were the same thing over and over again. I admit I thought Meri was the most beautiful one of the wives. There’s just something very attractive about her. That was the extent of it. I didn’t think we would talk beyond a few shared ideas about health and wellness.
On March 1st 2015 was the season finale of her show. I had made a few comments in response to things that were being posted. I didn’t realize it was going to be a big reveal episode. This was the show were the announcement of why she divorced him came up. Later on after we had gotten to know each other better she told me she had to not say a word at all for a long time in order to keep it a big reveal for the show’s audience. She said in that time she had been harassed online, made fun of, tormented, and been called a lot of things. All while keeping quiet. She said it was hard for her to do but she did what needed to be done. The night the show aired I watched and was seeing what else was being said on twitter. She was responding to a lot of people in regards to their questions and finally clearing up the misconceptions that had been going on. I was joking around. I thought it was asinine for people who didn’t even know her to get so upset over things that don’t even concern them. She began to comment back to the jokes or things I had been saying. We spent all night going back and forth. And at the end of the evening she added me on her Twitter. I didn’t even realize it until the next day. After she added me she sent me a couple of private messages, which became our early way to communicate with each other, called Direct Messages. I replied back a few times. I thought to myself, well that was cool and went to bed.
As far as I was concerned that was it. That would be the extent of our communication. I didn’t realize the next morning she would continue to contact me. She wished me a happy birthday, it was my 42nd birthday that day. I told her I thought she was intriguing and again left it at that. I didn’t get back to her until I was home from work that night. She had messaged me a few more times. I finally got time to sit down and read them. I started answering her comments. All of this was in private D.M. but are now posted on my blog. We just made chit-chat back and forth. Talked about life, talked about silly things. We continued to make each other laugh. And we started to get to know each other better. She started to ask me questions about my life. Wanted to know why I didn’t have a lady. I explained that I had gotten out of a really bad relationship a few months before and was not looking for anything. I even asked her advice on women, what their real wants and needs are in life. What about happiness and how to balance everything. She gave me some great advice. As the night went on I lost all track of time. I was supposed to meet my best friend Lindsay and a few of my friends at a restaurant that night to celebrate my birthday. She called and texted and I ignored it. I finally sent her a text and said I’m not coming, sorry. Which pissed her off but she said she would take my cake and throw it on my doorstep on her way home that night. She likes to kid around a lot.
Meri and I talked all night long. As the night turned into the next day I joked around with her saying you should call and wish me happy birthday. We had just had a really intense conversation about life and I was only half serious. She told me in my time zone it was no longer my birthday. I replied it’s still my birthday in Hawaii. I gave her my cell number, thanked her for a great chat and said good night. By this time it was 2:20am. Ten minutes later at 2:31am she called me. The very first thing I said to her was Look at you calling a complete stranger off of twitter. We both laughed and she was soft-spoken and shy. I then asked her why did she have to be married, she was perfect for me. She gasped. I heard it. It was the first time I had taken her breath away. She told me later no one had ever done that to her before, said something so romantic to her that literally took her breath away. I was flirting with a woman who I had no business talking to like that. We talked for 4 minutes and politely got off the phone.
Again I thought to myself, well now that’s it. We won’t talk anymore. She was just being nice to me and wanted to wish me a happy birthday. How cool is that then I went to bed. The next morning I was dragging at work. Meri began texting me on my cellphone. We talked more on the phone that day. An hour each time. Still laughing, still flirting a little with each other. Nothing serious. But there was definitely something beginning between us. I thought she would make an excellent new friend. Someone that is so far away from my religious beliefs, that she would be very good to learn from. I love the study of theology. I have spent decades of my life learning different religions and cultures. I have devoured as many books as I can find on religion, spirituality, and God. It is my favorite genre of books. I’m an avid reader I don’t sleep very much so reading becomes my coping mechanism at night to get myself tired enough to sleep.

2016 is my year! Right?

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It’s already 2016 and I’m getting really excited about what this year will mean to my life. I am currently in Las Vegas for all of January. Lindsay goes back to Australia one month a year to keep up her dual citizenship and see family. She took her mom with her. I can’t imagine how they will survive that trip together. They usually last 2 days before one of them calls me and tell me to come get them Lol She will be available via email but with a 15 hour time difference (I think that’s right?) it will be hard to stay in touch as we are used to. She needs a break from all of our friends. She amasses so many people to hang out with it gets a little too overwhelming. I already miss her. There is no person in my life that can make me laugh as easily as she can. On the other side of that, there is no one else that frustrates me beyond belief. A break for our friendship is good. Especially after our New Year’s Eve events.

We went to dinner at SLS. That food is amazing. I’m biased because I own a certain stock portion there, but they really do it up big time. They cater their menu to your specific food needs. Being vegan, this is perfect for me. The Wynn is the only other downtown casino restaurant that will cater vegan. After dinner we made our way down to MGM. Lindsay was asked to host a VIP party in one of the upper suites for some friend of a friend. I didn’t realize what I was getting into. She told me her hosting would be mostly making sure the party kept going and everyone was having a good time. At the end of the evening we had all trashed the room. She told me they had expected that, it happens every year, and you put down a certain deposit if you will be hosting a party like that for cleaning purposes. I don’t how many people it would have taken but it looked sort of like that scene in The Hangover movie when the guys wake up. It was bad. We left the hotel around 5am. She got drunk, sobered up, got drunk again, and half way sobered up throughout the night. She also managed to sneak in about 20 of her closest friends which hopefully went unnoticed. She said the people who asked her to host told her the next day everyone was asking who she was and if she did party hosting for a living. A few of them wanted to hire her for certain birthday or bachelorette functions they would be needing in Vegas later in the year. They offered her an obscene amount of money and she said no. I don’t really understand how her mind works. I would have said sure, sounds fun. She only likes to do things if its her idea. Otherwise it’s an instant and definitive no. Stubborn.

I slept all New Year’s Day. I don’t drink and didn’t drink at the party. But I was so exhausted for staying up all night. I don’t do that. I have insomnia but I am at home and comfortable. Talking, dancing, and having that much fun wore me out. Lindsay woke me up at 1pm so I could drop her off at the airport. Her connecting flight in Los Angeles was where she would pick up her mom before they went on to Sydney. She was fine. I saw her knock out so much alcohol and she was walking around like nothing happened. I was still out of it and I only drank water with lime juice all night. I’m supposed to pick her up February 2nd sometime in the morning. I hope they have a great trip and stay safe. It’s summertime there.

I wrote out a list of goals or dreams I have for 2016. It will be fun to come back to this in a year to see if any of it came true.

  1.  Continue working to adopt the twin boys, it wont be legal until May 2017
  2. Hopefully get a court order in place so they came be with me after their birth
  3. Fall in love, again
  4. Maintain my renewed relationships with my family and friends
  5. Work hard and succeed at whatever projects I take on this year
  6. Practice prayer, kindness, and forgiveness everyday until I no longer have to make it a conscious choice
  7. Thank God daily for my life and all that I am
  8. Travel once a month to places I have never been before
  9. Continue my healthy lifestyle, eating vegan, working out, taking time off when I am overstressed
  10. Make new friends

I think that’s a pretty good list. I’m working with my adoption attorney weekly to get things going. I have to go through a lot of hoops to make things happen. Even when my cousin’s daughter is willing or has already signed things a judge has to approve it all. She has to go through some mental health assessments is her next step to make sure she knows how this will impact her the rest of her life. I already went through mine. Yes I did pass it Lol I’m not crazy, despite internet rumors. It’s a lot of things to go through. It feels like I have to prove I have a safe home environment every other day. I guess I thought it wouldn’t be so hard. And it’s frustrating. If this is the process, God bless anyone that has adopted. It can really weight heavy on you. I know it’s going to be worth it, so May of 2017 isn’t a scary date to me. I just need to keep myself healthy and in a good place for the next 17 months.

I don’t really do resolutions each other. They don’t seem appealing to me. I prefer my list of 10 dreams. I guess they are hopes. I hope I do fall deeply in love and find the special someone God has waiting for me. I know she’s out there somewhere, but I’m not sure where or who it is. I will continue waiting. It’s worth all the wait.

I hope you all had a great New Year’s so far. I pray everyday for all of you to find happiness and joy.

My book is coming out soon. I strategically will be releasing it on a specific date, because I can Lol You will understand very soon why. Getting some positive feedback. I am a first time author. I wanted my book to be in my voice. To sound exactly as if I’m talking to a friend across a dinner table. Yes I am aware of grammar errors, probably misspellings and whatever else mistakes there will be. I fought with my publisher to leave it in. I don’t want it to be a cleaned up version of my story. It’s my words. Let them be as they are. I am not going to make money or fame or anything off of this. I’m going to clear my name and share my truth. That is my only interest in writing it. And I hope you all will enjoy it. I worked very hard on it for several months. It’s my baby 😉

I went hiking yesterday in Red Rock. My legs are killing me but I need to hit the shower and get to work. Have a great week ya’ll!

First page of my book Almost Meri’ed

 

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Chapter 1
How did this happen to me?

I had an affair with a married reality tv star. I know, it shocked me too. I wasn’t looking for it to happen. It sort of just…happened. The affair lasted from March 1st 2015 until August 30th, 2015 and came with a whole lot of baggage afterwards. Somethings I can forgive easily because now I understand the reasons and the lies. But as it is happening, you just get really confused and sad. The things I can’t forgive are for me to deal with privately. And I’m trying. It was fun and exciting. We had a lot of fun. We laughed all of the time. I wish that was an exaggeration, it might make it easier to walk away from her. But the truth is we laughed a lot. Almost daily.

What on Earth could I possibly have in common with a polygamist? I didn’t think anything at all. But as time went on I found out we had a lot of things in common. Maybe too many things. We seemed to share common experiences with pain and suffering. We both were traumatized in our childhoods by abuse, low self-esteem, and insecurities. I’m Catholic. Even dating a former polygamist was so far out of my range I didn’t consider it a possibility. Religiously and morally I know it’s wrong to engage in an affair. It’s something that we talk about openly in Church. Temptation, the devil, lust, self-serving us into situations we are supposed to fight against. But love. Love just takes over your head and your heart. Next thing you know you surrender and you are in so deep you don’t want it to end. That’s what happened to me. I can only speak from my experiences with her. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I found out within  a few days this wasn’t going to be a normal friendship.

What I found was a beautiful woman who had big dreams and hopes that were slowly dying. One day at a time she was losing herself. Losing what she fought so hard for. And what she told me early on was things were not at all what they seem to be. I thought she was a happily married woman with a strong sense of family. At least one of those was right. And it wasn’t the first one. Within the first day of us talking she started to confide in me of how things had been going. It was really sad.

Maybe I was trying to save her. Maybe I was trying to save myself. I don’t really know. I know looking back now it was going to be interesting. And that’s the excitement for me in relationships. I don’t date normal girls. I prefer the ones that challenge me, make me think and be a better man. And she was offering all 3.

I wish I had never met her. I wish this never happened. Loving her was the best feeling I had ever felt before. It was magic. It meant the world to me and I did everything I could to keep us together. Until it had definitively ended. Then I walked away. And I never looked back. There was nothing there for me to go back to. She made her choice, I made mine. And it ended as quickly as it began. One day I woke up and she was in my life. The next, she was gone. Yet not gone because the tabloids and tv made sure of that. A constant reminder she was still out there somewhere and not with me anymore. Do you know how hard that is to live your life knowing the one person you love more than anything is just a few blocks away? It’s torture. I moved back to Chicago as soon as I could. I had to. I couldn’t live that close to her anymore. It was too hard.

I will do my best to explain from my perspective on what happened. I’m going to name names and tell my truth. This is not a tell all book. It’s a love story. It’s my love story with Meri Brown from Sister Wives.

I still can’t believe I’m saying that. So here we go.