On this blog I have talked to a lot of women publicly or privately about relationships they have had. It’s fascinating to me the stories. I love hearing them. I learn things and ask questions. The one thing that continues to come up when I ask “Are you happy?” is maybe. The women say they have been married or together for so many years, the kids, the money, family obligation. All of it is an excuse to stay. If I get the sense that someone is explaining why they stay instead of commenting on the love I tell them to leave. Some women get pissed. The conversation ends, I don’t hear from them for a few days and then they contact me again. I made them think about it. Sometimes you need to piss people off in order to see if they fight to stay or fight to find a reason to stay.

Being committed in a relationship is a big promise to stay with that person. But…

Its not the end of your happiness or a chain you feel you are stuck with. If you get to the point you wake up and have no idea why you are there, get things started, make a plan and go. You are free. I’m giving you permission to leave your relationship, if that’s what you want. So many of your friends and family will tell you to do what? “Work it out.” Am I right? Why? They say that because they have seen you happy before. They have bought a ticket to your fake everything is fine show. You did that. And I bet you got very good at it. 

You are wasting your time. I’m serious. Do you want to stay in the routine you created? I just typed the word created and my iPhone changed  it to cram water Lol Sorry but that made me laugh. Back to my point. If you have given your 20s and 30s to a man that no longer thinks you hung the moon, and has turned you into What’s for supper lady, time to go. Because what’s for supper lady is dying inside. She feels alone and depressed. Sure she can fill a day with work and errands. She gets home to even more work and cleaning up. And what is her reward? To crawl into bed and get a shoulder tap for sex with someone she gives into to not deal with the complaining. 

Guess what? That’s no longer a marriage that’s a drain. You are wasting your entire life doing things for everyone but yourself. Sure you tried to stick it out. You tried over and over and over to talk to them about your feelings. Maybe talking has turned into fighting. Couples that love each other fight. That’s normal. But not everyday. And the fight only lasts a few hours because they can’t stay mad. 

I once got into such a huge fight with my girlfriend I left the house. I took a drive, cooled off and came back. I walked in hoping for an apology or maybe just looking at her would make me not stay mad. As soon as I came in she threw a shoe at me which made me start laughing then she started crying. I hugged her we both laughed and she smacked my chest and called me an Asshole. We got over it. Can’t even remember what the fight was about. We loved each other enough to let it go.

If you are at the point of your relationship that you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, leave. Make a plan, get things together and go. Let me wave my hand above your head, make a public announcement!

You do not have to stay in a relationship that no longer fulfills your life.

Better? Got you thinking at least. I know that happiness has to be achieved everyday. I know that loving someone and being in love with someone is two completely separate things. If you aren’t laughing together, hugging and kissing on each other. If he no longer does stupid guy things just to impress you or he isn’t charming in front of your friends anymore, most likely he is also wanting out but is too afraid to have that talk.

You aren’t dead, ladies. You found that guy, you can go find another. It’s really not hard meeting new people these days. Break the cycle for others around you. If you don’t leave, you will regret it in a few years. 

27 thoughts on “That dirty word commitment”

  1. There is a big difference between a “rut” in a marriage and a major break. It is not about feeling your spouse is indifferent to you. It is about KNOWING your spouse is indifferent to you. There is no second guessing it. No glimmers of hope.
    You know when you know. I agree that is the time to leave.

  2. Liesel you are so right! I take the approach to marriage that the Amish take to joining their Church. The decision is yours to make as an adult. You can choose a different path if you wish, you’re under no obligation. But once you kneel before the Church and make that promise, it’s for life. Sure, if you’re really THAT miserable you can leave, but there are consequences. You’ll be shunned. Doesn’t mean you CAN’T leave, but it means life won’t be easy if you break your promise. So think long and hard if you’re willing to commit. It’s not for now, it’s for LIFE.

  3. For someone whose never been married you give good advice. I first met my husband at age 14 and he was 24. He just thought I was a cute kid. In my mind I was like wow this man is gorgeous and stirred something inside of me that I never felt before since after all I was a devout catholic and planned on being a nun. Or at the very least a Mary knoll. Traveling third world countries helping the needy. Fast forward seven years and I’m 21 and he’s 31. We met again by chance, although I’d like to call it fate. And we will celebrate 23 years of marriage this year, four beautiful kids and in 2014 the most beautiful grandson. I still have the hots for him probably since he works out three times a week and I always try to look my best for him. Granted we have been in some fights but we never said the D word ever! I gave up my nursing career because I wanted to be a stay at home mom and sure we struggled but I wanted to raise my kids and hear their first words and see them take their first step. You can never replace that. I have been through a lot, my best friend and the first man I ever loved died when i was 16 – my dad. I have alot of friends who fall into the category who are absolutely miserable in their marriage and it makes me sad. My dad got to live for 36 years on this earth and he fought everyday just to be alive that I tell my friends life is too short to be miserable. I thank God and my dad everyday for bringing such an incredible man into my life and I have enjoyed every moment even the fights – we always end up laughing at ourselves – I wish everyone can find their special someone and believe me I know how lucky I am and don’t take one minute for granted – because it can be taken away at any time. So happy for you and your life – being a parent is the most incredible feeling in the world! The best advice I can give you is patience. Rome wasn’t built in a day and those precious babies are the legacy you leave behind carrying all your love and memories with them. God bless!

  4. To be honest with you, it’s unheard of these days because of attitudes like yours. I’m sorry but it’s just not good advice. I know you are not married yet but if you ever consider getting married to anyone please do some work on your view of marriage and go through pre-marital counseling first. We don’t need even more broken families.

  5. I disagree. Vows are for life. Sickness and health, good times and bad, til DEATH do us part. Only in circumstances of abuse, or possibly infidelity or dishonesty, do I agree that marriage should end. This is why the divorce rate is so high; people think marriage is something you can walk away from when it isn’t working anymore.

  6. Hi Sam You didn’t reply to my emails so I will comment here ~ I agree with most of what you wrote and it forced me to talk to my husband of ten years today ~ he reminded me that we have always “joked ” on our anniversary and ask each other “what ya think worth doing another year ?” Our close friends hate when we say that but it makes sense and is quite mature and level headed if I may say so myself ~ I asked him if he still loved me the way he did years ago he said “NO I love you more~ you are my best friend ” I cried 😓 I think I will keep him for another year ! Thanks for opening us up to having this conversation. …

  7. Sorry for my last comment: I just read your comment that clarifies it and yes I agree. When you have tried everything else, that’s when you consider leaving. I was in a bad marriage for 4 years and tried EVERYTHING. It clearly was never going to change so I left. Been married 5 years to my current husband and it’s awesome. THIS is what marriage should be.

  8. I really like this post. And I’m happy to see you keep writing beyond the subjects in the eBook. You are a talented writer.

  9. I am going to have to kindly disagree with you on this. #1 happiness comes from within yourself, not from another person. No man/woman can make you happy…. you have to choose to be happy. #2 all marriages have times when they feel like they are stuck in a rut. Daily obligations get in the way of connection. Your first instinct should not be to leave and find something/someone more exciting. Your first instinct should be to communicate your feelings and needs to the other person. If you are not getting what you need from someone is it their fault for not giving it to you? Or your own fault for not expressing what it is you need. Men love to fix things, but they are not mind readers.

    1. Great comment. This wasn’t written for a first instinct reaction. It’s for anyone that has tried to make a relationship better and nothing is working. It’s for someone that has told themselves the story that they have to stay at the cost of their happiness.

  10. All marriages go through ruts and times where those involved are tired for whatever reason (kids, work, stress). When you’re tired and drained by the end of the day without much left to give you tend to stop doing things to impress people including your spouse. Especially your spouse since they are the one you feel safest with. If those are grounds for divorce then no marriage will ever last. I am glad I did not go by your advice and instead have been married for over 40 years. I could have given up many times when we lost our spark and I was tired but I didn’t, and now because of that I am happy with him. This is not good advice.

  11. Wow, Sam where did that come from? Lol, but I do agree with you. I am one of those ladies you talked to and I guess I came out happy compared to some. I am in my second marriage but everything you discribed was my first marriage. I stayed because of fear of being on my own. I was in a very abusive relationship and I was too afraid to leave. In the end he left me for a other woman and it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I was forced to grow up. I was by myself raising my kids for almost 10 years and those 10 years were a learning time for me. I learned who I was and what I wanted. I am happily remarried for 24 years. I am not saying our relationship is all sugar and spice. Sometimes I get so mad at him I could scream but like you said we can never stay mad at each other. Both of us realize that when we fight lots of times it has something to do with ourselves and not each other. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. He healed my wounded heart of so many bruises. I know he will always be there for me and I trust him with all that is within me. I have no reason to trust any man. Every man has cheated on me, my own father cheated on my mother, yet I trust my husband completely. To me that is a miracle and true love does create miracles.
    Sam your advice was on point. Nobody should remain in a relationship that causes them to cease growing as a person. Trust me it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. I met my present husband when I was at my best. I was independent and happy with me. You need to love yourself before you can love another. If I remained with my first husband I would have shrunk into nothing.
    Thank you Sam for reminding me how truly blessed I am.

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