I’ve been through a lot of things in the past year. Nothing compares to my twins coming into my life. Now I’m struggling with the family court to prove that my medical history is not going to be an issue. In doing so I have to prove that I have things in place and people to care for them if my health begins to be an issue, again. It really sucks having to think about the day I die. What will happen to my boys? Who gets to raise them? What happens to all of my things? Will people know that I want my boys to have my grandfather’s watches? Will someone tell them how funny I thought I was or how goofy I danced when I was really happy? It’s the last thing anyone wants to deal with but if I don’t get all of this paperwork filed and presented to the court, I won’t have a chance. I knew from the beginning the only issue that would come up is my health. I’ve been healthy for a while but I know that won’t last. The struggle is real Lol I like that saying. It makes me laugh.
I am afraid to fill this stuff out. So afraid it makes me not want to say it out loud. That has opened up my mind to a lot of reasons why people don’t say things out loud. Have you ever went to visit a family member after a few years and you sit down smiling. They get really quiet and then out comes all of the things that have gone on in the time period you’ve been away from them? It’s shocking, heart wrenching, and makes you feel like you should just hug them. That’s mostly the women. The men, Oh we’ve been alright. Not much going on. That’s how my family is. We aren’t supposed to complain about anything. We are raised to keep our mouths shut and to be polite. If you don’t have anything nice to say mentality.
There are a lot of things I don’t talk about because I’m scared. Not scared of anyone’s reactions or what someone might say to me. I’m afraid to speak up because if I do then it’s a huge can of worms in my life I’m probably not ready to deal with. I know a lot of people who feel that way. They have finally spoken up and tell me how free they feel now. How much they had held onto that fear for years. Or I hear a lot of stories that contain phrases like, “You have no idea what I’ve been through” or “I can’t even talk about it”.
Why can’t you talk about it? What happens when we hide our feelings and fears away? I know for my personally I become angry. The quieter I get the worse it is. I’m a great listener. It’s the foundation of who I am. I prefer not to talk but when I do, I try to add some context to the conversation. Or I’m in a mood where I want to make someone laugh. I’m really good at making people laugh. I am slowly coming to the understanding that you can talk about the hard stuff. No wait, you SHOULD talk about it. The sooner you say it, the better it is for you and anyone around you that knows you are not saying something big. It’s a look in your eyes. It’s that smile that fades away because your mind is urging you to say it. You can find a friend or family member who you can trust. You can talk to clergy or a co-worker. There is someone on the other side of your fear that will accept your fear. They will be shocked but you will find out very quickly they are there. They probably will hug you and tell you it’s going to be okay. They might even thank you for sharing your heart. We hide our fear like we hide Easter eggs. Everyone can see them but we are just waiting for someone to pick it up. Why? Why have we become so evolved in so many great things like equality, emotions, and gender issues yet we are still the generation that hides the big things.
How long has fear lived in your head stopping you from saying what your heart is tired of carrying?
I have lived my whole life knowing a lot of things. The adults in my family would openly talk in front of me about some very adult things because they knew I was the quiet kid who wouldn’t run around and tattle. The truth is my grandmother would send me out with a tray of Sweet tea or snacks and I would have to report back what the men were talking about. I would say big words like indictment and divorce and she would fill up the tray again and shove me out of the kitchen telling me find out who said the word divorce! When the other kids would come into the room everyone would get quiet. Then after our family dinner my grandmother would pull whoever aside and let them know she was aware of the divorce word and she wouldn’t have that in the family. She was the ringmaster. She really was. I miss her. She was so sneaky but so much fun. I laugh just like her. I throw my head back and let out a big loud belly laugh when I am tickled. I hope my boys laugh like me.
Fear is just a renter. You can kick it out and replace it with love and strength. It may take you years to confess your heart to someone. I’m not urging you to sit down tonight and throw all of your emotional baggage on the dinner table. I mean do that if you want, that would be awesome Lol But I’m saying think about this. What are you hiding? What has you in such fear to admit to or to say out loud that you can’t even say it to yourself in a mirror. We all have secrets. The truth is most of us have secrets other people tell us. Now that is a murky, muddy, world to be in. The keeper and guardian of someone else’s secrets. It’s such an honor to be that trusted. And there is always one part of you that wants to tell someone else, Ooooooooh guess what I found out today! Don’t do that. Keep a secret as long as you can. Unless it involves someone being hurt.
The one thing I know for sure about secrets is that some secrets are meant to be shared. As a kid if someone is being hurt and you know it, we usually did not say a word. We would worry, even fret over it, but most of us kept that. Because we were told to. Times have changed. We are supposed to encourage our kids and others to do what? If you see it, say it. Or what is that saying they have for safety going around? I remember now.
If you see something, say something.
How powerful is that. Repeat that in your head a few times. If you see something, say something. If you see something, say something. That’s powerful stuff.
I have said all I can say about my life. There are no more secrets. In truth there really hasn’t been that many secret things going on in my life. I put it all out there and have no problem answering questions. I’m still working on that question blog I mentioned last week. I received some really great questions. Love that.
I hope you read this and think about the message I hopefully was able to make. Your fear has an expiration date. When you are ready, find someone, and share what scares you. Tell someone what has caused you to go silent all of these years. I promise you, on the other side of whatever it is, you will feel empowered and better. And you will be okay.
Fear isn’t the answer. Fear is the death of life. Fear stops a lot of things from happening. Fear is the reason why people yell and scream. Fear is the closed-door you won’t open.
Please open the door 😉
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