When I was in pain I kept it to myself. I’m not someone who likes to talk about myself, at all. It has been be dragged out of me. I’m really good at surface answer. But I don’t want surface friendships so I am working on that. I like to listen to people share their stories or ideas. I like to ask questions. For me, talking about me, boring and uncomfortable. I don’t see my life as a big deal. I do a lot, I help a lot, but I don’t want that kind of attention. In fact I’m not ever big on any kind of attention. I prefer to be in the background of things. For me being in pain was more emotionally derived than physical. The physical came with all of the stress. That’s when I was living within myself. I was talking to myself, I was shutting everyone out. That’s my first sign I’m in trouble. Pushing my core people away from me is when things begin to unravel for me. I need my people. Not daily, but I need them nearby. The pain I experienced was self-doubt, self-criticism and a whole handful of shame. I was telling my story of pity over and over in my head. It was sinking my happy life. I was letting it.
I climbed out of that boat and started to swim for help. That boat was taking me on a pain journey that I had been on a few times before. I was not going back down that road. I had suffered enough of that. All caused by really bad, selfish decisions. I figured out that I was traveling the cycle of pain, once again. And I didn’t want to. That’s what happens when you reach a certain level of self-actualization. You get really honest with yourself. You start to see the person in the mirror as who you really are and not who your mind tells you that you are. My cycle of pain was negative self-talk. I would literally beat myself up for anything stupid or dumb I felt I had done or said. I don’t know how many times I would literally walk away from a group of people after saying one sentence and leave all of the fun I could have had, to go stand somewhere else and just annihilate myself for saying something I felt was really dumb. I’m not dumb. I can be dumb, but I’m actually very smart. I would have to be to be able to handle everything I do. My dumb moments usually come when I’m nervous. I’m not someone who says things to impress people. I don’t care about that. I say dumb things because I want to understand something better. It’s usually a dumb question. Then I wait to get teased or ridiculed and hopefully everyone will ignore how dumb the question is. The thing is, most of my questions aren’t dumb at all. I just think they are. That’s the negative self-talk taking over.
For me, my pain cycle is an endless loop of the things that happen in my day. At night mostly. But for some reason the next morning I have let it go. I’m really good at calming myself down in 10 minutes or so and letting things go. I just need that brief moment of shock or anger or confusion. Then I am good to go and can revisit any topic you want. My biggest mistakes have always come when I isolate myself from my core people. I need them to help me navigate my life. They keep me in check. They also are great to bounce ideas off of or offer friendly advice.
Have you been traveling a cycle of pain? When are you going to get off of the loop and give yourself a break? I know for me it can take a long time. Not always the same problem over and over, but just the general feeling that everything sucks right now no matter what I do.
It does get better. You can work through it. What to know how I know that? Because the sun shines everyday. The sun never lets us down. If you can equate the sun of a new day with letting go of your pain than you are taking a first step to freedom. Don’t travel in your pain cycle. Crawl out of your boat before you hit the rapids or worse, before you float off of a waterfall! Don’t do that to yourself.
Reach out to someone, talk it out, write it out. Anything. Find your compass and start going in a new direction. Traveling in your pain cycle will eat up some very valuable time in your life. When you are out of it, look back and notice how long it lasted. And learn. Don’t ever stay in pain. It’s not worth it. You are worth so much more than that. Your pain is important. Your pain is real. Leave your pain. And move on.
I love ya’ll!