We have been through this once before. It’s been a while but the feelings are all the same. This is what hurt feels like and what suffering I have to endure. I never thought things would get this bad but here they are, again. And I don’t know what to do. I’m doing the best I can. I’m trying. But it hurts. I have asked God what to do. What will He have me do because I don’t know how to stop this from hurting like this. I am praying so hard tonight. I am trying. I don’t know what more I can do.
This time is different because I have 2 babies to take care. I have a lot more responsibility and things that keep me….here. When I don’t want to be here. Not right now. I just want to go, anywhere. I can’t. So I get through the day. I get through each hour and I try to forget. I try not to hear that laugh that made me grin really big. I try to forget the hundreds of I love you Samuels that made me feel great. I am trying to deal with all of this and not lose my f***ing mind. It’s not been a good few days. I wish I could say Lindsay is here for a work reason but the truth is she knew. She knew I was not holding it together and she took an overnight fly to me. Because, we have been through this before. But this time, she is alive and somewhere instead of dead and gone. This is what my pain is. This is my suffering. And I have no one to blame but myself. I’m just trying to get through tonight. We shall see what shape I’m in by morning.
I have been so strong for months. I don’t want t be strong anymore. I want to let it out, feel it, deal with it and let it go. Because this hurts. It has been hurting me for months and I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know.
The truth is I miss her. I’m still in love with her. And I don’t know what to do.
It gets like that with grief…doesn’t matter who you’re grieving or why. Eventually it gets better, but not until you’ve gone through the pain. Makes you wish you could just push a fast-forward button and get to the other side, but it doesn’t work like that. :/