I was working on the last post I wanted to put up about the voicemails and texts. What more could I do to tell my truth and my story. I had a timeline, I had all of the last texts and some photos. But looking back over all of this, what does it matter? And who really does care? You are here because you are curious. You want to know what I have to say. Some of you are here as fans not believing a word I say and only on here to use it as ammo on your social media accounts to further harass, stalk, bully, and attempt to ruin my name on the internet. That has never worked and you live a pretty sad life if that’s what you spend your day doing.
I deleted what I had written because I realize it doesn’t matter. In my opinion, I have posted proof that we met, had an affair, had a consensual sexual relationship, we went on a vacation together, we fell madly in love and we carried on as if she wasn’t still married, because technically she wasn’t. We had an affair. We both admit to that. We also had plans for a future together. We wanted to get married and we wanted children together. Then we broke up. I did not talk to her after the break up. I did not continue to even try to contact her. I gave up, I walked away and I left her the hell alone. Because I knew she made her choice. She was going to stay and no matter her real, honest reasons for that, I lost her when I walked away. She tried. She tried really hard to hold on to me. I wasn’t listening and I wouldn’t talk to her. And finally she also gave up.
I changed my phone number. The next day Meri texted Lindsay. And within 2 more days we had broken up.
We tried communicating for weeks before we broke up. It wasn’t working out. We were fighting over small things. Then we would stop and be back in love and happy. It was tough. It was really emotional.
After we broke up I lost it. I truly lost my heart. She meant the world to me and I didn’t know what to do without her. I left her alone. I really did. I moved back to Chicago, I began working 18 hour days just to keep busy. I didn’t go out. I didn’t talk to many people. I was depressed. I loved Meri with all of my heart. I truly believed she was going to leave him for me. Not the family, she was never, ever going to leave the family. She wanted out of her marriage because she was so unhappy with him and how he treated her.
I loved her.
Now that it’s been over for months, if I was just a stepping stone to her, to get his attention back or maybe to get herself together and stronger within the family, okay. I can accept that. I’m happy for all our great memories. Meri and I would laugh all day long. Or we would be sweet to each other, everyday. Any disagreement we had, we always worked it out. There was never any type of personal attacks. There were never any threats, my god Meri. Never. When it was over, I walked away. I stayed away. And I have continued to stay out of her life. She is fine. She doesn’t miss me, she doesn’t think about me. She just doesn’t care about me anymore. I accept that.
I can say, I do miss her. I do still think about her from time to time. I do care about her and I pray for her and her family everyday. I hope he makes her happy. I hope she stays open to the life she has to live now. I showed her what true love is. She said that several times. She has never loved him like she loved me. That’s because I was her biggest fan and her greatest unconditional support. She felt safe and free for the first time in her life. The affair with me is probably the only time she has truly done anything without thinking or worrying about what anyone else in her life thought. I was hers. Only hers for the entire affair. And she hadn’t that feeling in 2 decades.
I wish her all of my best. I am open to talking to her again someday. I really do believe in this lifetime she will tell the truth and admit that I am real, I am a man, and I did not catfish her. I know she is a good person, she has a big heart. I know she will do right by me. I know it. It may take her years. Years is all I’ve got left to give her. So I will wait for it to come and I will immediately forget it and accept the apology. I have forgiven her already because I really do understand the one thing no one else sees.
Meri is so scared to tell him and her family that she fell completely head over heels in love with me. That we had sex, that she really was going to leave Kody. She is so scared she is controlling her words instead of just opening up with the truth and saying Yes, I fell in love with Samuel. She is so scared to lose everything for me. I know this because when I fell in love with Meri all those months ago, that’s the exact place I was at with myself. If I fall for this spiritually married woman, am I really ready to lose it all if we get caught someday? Can I face God, my Church, my family, friends, and all the people in the world that will know who I am? I was there where she’s at. I know how hard it can be. So I forgive her for telling the entire world that I catfished her.
I did not catfish Meri Brown.
I didn’t and I wouldn’t do that to her. I loved her with all of my heart. All I wanted was to be with her forever. I wanted to marry her and have a baby with her. I wanted lots of babies with her. We also talked about adopting.
So here I am at the end of this story. I will continue to write and to answer questions. This is my story. Please remember, no one but Lindsay knew that we were having an affair. Not Lindsay’s friend who she was traveling with. None of the Browns. Not any of my friends or Meri’s friends. No one. We kept it a secret. There were rumors and there were speculation. But remember folks, none of you were there. So you don’t know. None of you know anything at all about this except what she has said and what I have said and posted. Lindsay is the only person on this Earth that knew the whole story and she is so loyal to me you couldn’t have gotten her to say it. Kendra tried. Kendra tried all kinds of tactics to pressure Lindsay to even admit we were more than friends. The only thing Lindsay kept saying is I don’t know. I don’t know, over and over. After it was over, it took 6 weeks for me to come out and start posting things. The only reason I did is because Meri had her friends create fake troll accounts, not using their real names, photos or info to conceal their true identity and start spreading the rumors that I catfished her and that I was not a man.
Meri, my god. It shocked me. That was when I started to defend myself. I’ve done my best to counteract any type of public lie she tells about me. I tried really hard to continue to tell and prove every word I have ever said about this. I could have handled this a whole different way. We all could have. But here we are. At the end of this. And the only question left is, what do I do now?
I am single. I am happy. I live in Chicago and I am still working on building my empire. Work keeps me busy, I travel a lot and I get to do the things I love to do with my life. I am working to adopt my boys. My twin boys are almost 3 months old now and growing so fast. I look at them and wish Meri were here helping me raise them. Then I realize she won’t be and to stop thinking that stuff. I know she is a great mom. I know her kids love her. I know she loves all of her kids with all of her heart.
Will Meri and I ever talk again? No. Not in this lifetime. But if she does want to reach out to me I am open for it. If any of her family wants to talk to me and ask questions, I am open for it. I will always be here for Meri. I gave her the one thing no one else could. I gave her, her voice back. She felt lost for 5 years. No one really knew her anymore because they weren’t spending the quality time with her she craved. Now I pray they do and will. She needs a lot of attention. She needs a lot of love. She needs respect, communication, and to be listened to. Even if she is ranting off or just needing to talk things out. She needs all of them.
Was she worth all of this? All the hurt and pain and embarrassment that this affair has caused me and will continue to cause me in all of my life? Was Meri Brown worth all of this?
Yes she was. And I loved her with everything I had. In some ways, I probably still do.
Thank you for finding me. May God bless us and may I finally feel a huge weight off of my heart. I am a human being if some of you have forgotten. Doesn’t matter if you think I am truthful or not. I am here. I do matter and I do have feelings. I’m asking you to leave me alone if you are full of hate. Just let me live my life. I do nothing to harm any of you or even to say something ugly. I answer questions, I tell the truth, I show proof. You are not entitled to anymore than what I offer to you. I want this to move on with lessons learned and a journey to peace for both Meri and I. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I may not answer it if I find it uninteresting or if it’s rude.
I feel a lot better now that I’ve had my say. I know love will find me someday when I’m ready. For now all I want to do is love my kids and focus on their adoption and hang out with my dog. They are all I have in my life. Heston and Alex. My boys. I love them so much. And I pray to God when they are old enough they will understand this story. I pray they forgive me for my sins.
In the end, I was Almost Meri’ed 😉