Insert poetic, heartfelt, emotional title here

Being vulnerable is actually something I’m very good at. I know how to express my feelings. I don’t hold back. I don’t get scared and I’m never worried about making a fool out of myself. When I am entering that vulnerable place I have already prepared my heart. I take a big deep breath and I just let it out. I never really have that insecurity of Oh geez I shouldn’t have said that, in the moment at least. Believe me, I church my words over and over later on. In the moment, I am confident, I speak from my heart and I offer everything I have to every situation.
That’s why I am beloved, especially with women. I am very sweet, very charming and I know it. I am very compassionate, I’m a great listener and I’m not at all judgemental or mean. I never do personal attacks and I won’t pick on anybody. I am respectful, kind, and loving. I can say what I think, feel, and want. What I’m not very good at is accepting compliments or love. It’s very hard for me to believe someone is saying something nice about me. I will explain why later. I have always been this way. I am working very hard on that. I am not in therapy. I have been to therapy before. 3 times total. All for less than a year each. The first time I entered into therapy I was a kid. Something really bad had happened to me and my mom took me to a therapist for 1 visit. I was 7. I was asked about what happened, I didn’t even realize what all of it meant so I answered matter of fact and we went to McDonald’s right afterwards. For a few days my mom kept asking me if I was okay. I said yes, still very confused about all of it, and finally she left me alone about it for about 10 years. When I was 17 she asked me if I remembered anything that happened. I said yes, still confused and she explained all of it to me. I was in shock. I also felt really stupid for all of the years I had no clue what happened. I just remember a lot of people asking me if I was okay when I was 7 and 8 years old. I heard a lot of whispering behind my back but I figured it was because I kept growing so tall. I really had no idea. When she brought it up I was very angry. I stayed angry for a long time. It’s a pattern in my family to hide stuff. Particularly if its really bad. It’s almost like the worse it is the more you don’t talk about it, ever. That’s just how we all are. That is why it’s so hard to get me to open up about anything more than surface stuff. I am polite, I answer questions, and then I want people to leave me alone because talking about myself is the last thing I want to do.
The 2nd time I was in therapy was after Lisa and our son Ryan passed away. It took me months to get into therapy. It might have actually been over a year before I went. I went only because I felt dead inside. I stopped laughing, I stopped smiling. I didn’t feel any emotions. I learned that I had survivors guilt and I was blaming myself for the accident even though I had nothing at all to do with it. I felt that I should have prevented her from driving that night. I felt I should have somehow stopped her? I don’t know. I just felt like it was all of my fault and I struggled to really forgive myself. In fact I still harbor a lot of that guilt in my heart. I think I always will. In therapy that time I did learn how to talk about my pain. I was able to label what my pain was and dig deeper to find the source. That was as far as I got with it before I quit. I got mad and left. I never went back. I did pay off my bill and I did return the few phone calls my therapist made to ask me to come back. I told her no thanks.
The 3rd time I was in therapy was about 4 years ago. It was more of a maintenance check up or my mental health because my insomnia was really really bad. I went to therapy to score some pills so I could sleep. But as you know you have to get some couch time in before you get a script written. I was deemed depressed and not given any pills at all. I was told to talk things out to relieve the pressure and stress. So I did. I started talking and it really opened up a huge can of worms. I became angry then silent. I also became reclusive and I didn’t want to do anything but work and go home. That lasted a few months until I met a girl. She pulled me out of it. It was her love for me that really put all of my broken pieces together. Then the relationship ended and I was left with a huge can of worms, a broken heart, all of my family baggage and stories haunting me, and more stress from work than I had before.
On my own I dealt with all of it. Slowly. I began reading books on spirituality, I began studying neuroscience and trying to figure things out. My insomnia was replaced by devouring books one per night. I would stay up and read until my eyes would close. I loved it. I still do that. I read a book every night. Sometimes I can finish 1 book in a day. I just love learning. I can’t ever learn enough I always want to know more. Therapy for me is a giant waste of time because I am someone who needs to learn by living. I have slowed down my decision-making. I am more hesitant than I am decisive. I am more humble than I am arrogant. The best thing about all of the pain that I can now label is that I feel it and deal with it. You have to. If you don’t deal with it you will internally decompose.
I was dying inside when my son and fiancée died. I wanted to die too. That was the worst that my life has ever been. Not this. This stuff, it’s deeply sad to me but I am great. I am in a really good place because I know the truth. Nobody can ever take the amount of love I gave and received away from me. One day, someday, everything will come out and my truth will be the only thing that will remain. Everything I have said, everything I have done has all been truth-telling. It’s starting to become more apparent to a lot of people. I’m starting to hear more and more about how people are flipping sides. I don’t want anyone to flip sides I just want a chance for people to listen to me or at least read my words on my blog or books. I’ve done all I can. I don’t need to do anymore. It’s all here, until some lawyer or some authority figure takes it all away. Until then if that ever happens I will keep paying the domain and hosting bills and leave it right here for all of you. That being said I only have a few things left I want to say about all of this.
I know that my soul belongs right here, right now. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I love my life. I have survived some real shit, not this high school shit people try to put on me. I love who I am and I know I am a good man. I have been loved more than I have ever deserved for that and that’s what I take with me moving forward, all of the love, the laughter, and the greatest parts of my life.
Everything else can go kick rocks. Because my past is my past. It did not defined me it only shaped me. I have survived. And I’m damn proud of myself.

You can call me, text me, email me, come find me. Whatever it is you are wanting to say to me. I have said no to you for months. I had to until I was ready. I’m prepared. I took a big deep breath. Give me your words and I will listen, finally. After all, I am the only one you can really talk to about anything. We both know that.

Energy blaster and the bird

I did the one thing you aren’t supposed to do with 3 and a half month old twins. I took them out on the boat Lol They were in their car seats. We cruised not zoomed and they loved it. I think. If I had a babble translator I believe they would say Wow Dad, that was awesome! and I love going on the boat! I heard all about it all the way down to the dock from both nannies. I turned around half way there and say Oh Look who finally agrees on something Lol I put them in the boat. Told the girls to jump in, grabbed the dog and off we went. My family’s first boat ride. We had to kick the cobwebs off. Then I dropped all of them off and went out for some big wave action. I was doing just fine until some douchebag in a bigger boat than mine (It’s always that type, isn’t it) decided he had the right of way even though all boating laws said I did. I flipped him off as I went full throttle past him and gave a kick out wake he had to buzz over Lol Enjoyed myself too much. Great day for boating. Now it’s cloudy and I don’t know what. The weather here is schizophrenic.

 

I want to talk about this green stuff people keep asking me about. It’s called Liv Green 2 O by a company called Liv International. They have a website. Meri sells it so you can contact her on twitter to ask about ordering it. It literally is the best stuff I’ve ever had for energy and post workout drinks. I love it. It tastes really good. I have lemon and mint flavor. I’ve been on it for over a year now and I can tell a difference. It’s not that expensive either. You get a 15 day or 30 day supply and they will custom make a package for you. Don’t tell them I sent you to them Lol That wouldn’t be cool at all but do get some. It really helps me out a lot. I drink 2 of them a day. It really is good stuff. Highly recommend it.

 

So what are ya’ll up to today? Anything fun? I’m working on some emails for work. Then I’m going to stop working for the rest of the weekend and go enjoy myself a little. I have some friends coming over tonight for dinner. We are grilling out. Then we are going to play some new card game that is this summer’s big hit. Should be a fun evening. It’s weird not having to go grocery shopping. The company sent me a list of weekend activities I thought we would do. And they guessed on what food to buy for us. How awesome is that? I emailed the lady and said do you have a personal chef too ya’ll took care of everything. She said she could find one if I wanted it. I may take her up on that. Might be fun to have some better cooking than what I do. I do all of the cooking. I even prep Sarah’s lunches for her. She is eating a lot better now living with me she said. She likes some vegan stuff. She mostly just likes my snacks. I do a lot of fresh fruits or veggies for my snacks. I’m always in the kitchen chopping something up. I have one of them Slapchop things. Those are both fun and quick. Pain in the butt to clean but they work great.

 

Back to work I guess. I haven’t been writing too much lately so I guess that’s why I’m back on here already. Tomorrow I will update with my plans for next week. It’s going to be super busy for me. Again.

 

Updates and Nachos

First of all, RIP To a Great Man, Muhammad Ali. Doesn’t matter what you thought of him, doesn’t matter what he said. He changed the world just by being who he was. Everyone respects him and I am sending prayers and love to his family and all of his millions and maybe billions of fans. He has been an inspiration to me for years. It is a loss that will be felt forever. What a life he lived! God Bless you Champ!

 

Greetings from the Lakehouse. We decided to come up late last night. We left the house around 10pm. I have no idea but it worked out because the boys slept the entire trip up here. We may need to try that again on a Friday night. Much easier to deal with. I have no idea why we never thought of doing that before. We got in got the boys put down for a few hours and my house looks amazing! This is the first time everything was done properly. The lawn was done, yard work done, pool ready, boats ready, kitchen full of food and pantry stocked, the entire house lemony fresh and clean. Even the 2 loads of laundry we left was folded and stacked up to be put away. I hired a new Home Service company for the summer. They come in and do everything you want. And I highly recommend them. I had 4 or 5 different companies doing varied services and it was a complete pain in my butt to schedule and deal with all of them. I found this One Stop shop type company and decided to give them a 1 week trial run. I’m sold! I will be signing them up for until the end of August. Amazing to come home to this.

 

Sarah and Brandi are with me. We are all trying to work this new schedule out. So far so good. We only had a minor meltdown on Tuesday night and that was my fault Lol I’m going to rat myself out and say the completely stupid thing I did to cause havoc that we survived. There was only one of the nannies that threatened to quit until I explained what happened. I learned my lesson, oh boy did I ever. Let’s just say don’t ever think you can leave 2 naked butts in the crib right after a bath so you can run to the laundry and grab out blankets and night times clothes real quick only to end up on the phone for 2 minutes and walk back into a nanny screaming at me for poop EVERYWHERE. And I do mean everywhere. I was gone 2 minutes I swear! 2 minutes and these 2 blew mud eveywhere Lol Never again. I know now to throw on the diapers no matter what. We had to redo the baths, change all of the bedding in both cribs, rinse out all of the poop in the laundry room sink (Yuck) then wash all of it. 3 loads of laundry. It made for some angry women up in my house Lol I helped. It’s not like I wasn’t helping. But it’s something we have all been very careful about and they all told me from day one, always put a diaper on because you never know when it’s fudgy time Lol

 

I’m sorry but my boys thought it was hilarious. They have no concept of what they did but as soon as I started laughing they started laughing which made it even more hilarious. The smell and touching the poop was not funny at all. I need to buy disposable gloves. I never thought I would need them but it’s good to have them on hand just in case. Hey, we made it 3 and a half months before we had our first blowout Lol I had heard of blowouts like that before but I thought they were just Urban Myth.

 

I made the world’s hottest nachos last night. I think I burned my tongue and mouth. I woke up with that cottonmouth feeling and it’s still sore today. The girls both said the salsa was like eating fire Lol I need to tone that recipe down a little. My nose was running, my eyes were watering. It cleared up my sinuses but at the risk of imminent death! Okay it wasn’t that bad but it was hot. I was getting ready to make a call and all of a sudden Sarah came running through the living room into the kitchen to grab a water saying HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT Lol It was hilarious. She’s okay now. We warned Brandi and she said she loved hot stuff. Then 1 minute later she said O M G Sam, are you trying to kill us Lol

 

This week at work was really busy. I had a few trips out of town. Some people knew about, some they didn’t. I’m sneaky like that. I like to check up on my employees. It was fun. Things are busier than ever. My personal life is suffering. There are not enough hours in the day. I’m juggling things the best I can but I really feel like right now I’m just problem solving, not living. Have you ever gotten into that place before? It sucks! I come home exhausted, I get 2 minutes to change my clothes then I’m on baby duty until they go down for the night. That’s the best part of my day. Driving home all I can think about is I just want to see my boys. Sometimes I call Sarah on speakerphone and say let me talk to them and I tell them I’m on my way. I miss them. I can’t help it. They really are the best thing in my life. They keep me going. I didn’t know I could love anybody this much. Times two. It’s awesome.

 

I did put in for another adoption. I’m doing an international adoption of a baby girl. Well at least I started the paperwork. It’s going to take 2 to 3 years to get it approved so I was told to start now. The best thing is with the agency we are working with they approve me and then I can decide when to say Yes I’m ready. That will give me time to figure it out. I do want a daughter. I do think adopting for me right now is the best choice to start my family. I do believe that I can offer all of my children an amazing life with so much love and support. All the lessons I have learned will be built into their hearts and minds. All the mistakes I have made, all the bad choices, all my doubts and worries will guide me into a better understanding of how to love them as I need to love myself. I want a daughter. I really do. I believe she will be a great addition to our home. And I do believe I will adopt more or if God blesses me someday I will have more kids. I want a bunch of them. I have goals, I have dreams and my dreams do involve retiring soon. I have enough money to last me 5 generations. And I have set myself up business-wise to continue to reap the benefits of all the great decisions I’ve made thus far. I have money. I want a family. I want to raise my kids and not work myself to death. I waited all of this time to have my own family. I’m doing it my way. Without anyone that can ever take them away from me. I know I can do this. I want to do it. It’s all I have ever wanted. My kids will know how much I love them everyday. My boys already do. I tell them every time I’m near them. I talk to them about love and compassion. I talk to them about God and about my life.

 

When they are older instead of giving out allowance I will tell them stories about my struggles while I wear Dad Jeans and scratch my stomach chewing on celery stick Lol I will be that guy! I will be the fun dad that let my kids do anything they wanted in our home but made the most well behaved, polite kids outside of our home. Or at least I will try for that. I just want to do a good job here. I’m trying really hard. This is not easy stuff. My life is not easy. But it sure is worth it!

 

Have a great weekend everyone. I’m going out on my boat before the rain comes. The boys are down so I have about a 2 hour window here. I need to test it out to make sure she’s good to go. I have family coming into town soon and I really want to take them all out for a ride. Off I go, in my lifejacket!

 

God loves you and I love ya’ll too!