What do you do when loving someone is not enough? It’s not enough for you and it’s not enough for them? How do you figure that out?
Love is so amazing, it feels really good doesn’t it. We all crave it. Every human, any being with a heartbeat craves love of some form. I have figured out over time and 3 broken relationships that when I love someone I mean it. I really, really mean it. I would do absolutely anything for that woman and I would give up a lot of my wants and needs in order to make her happy. I have finally realized that my loving them the way I think they need is leaving a gap that I will never fill. I can’t push my heart into their hands, I need to offer it. I need to ask if that’s what they want from me then I need to spend every single day making sure she feels loved not because I’m trying to prove something. Simply because I feel it in the moment and want to express it.
I am so good at the little things. You know those small gestures that really mean the most to people. I write letters. I leave notes. I leave sweet and loving voicemails. I send goofy pictures and say things just to get someone to laugh. I nuture us. I am very good at that part of my relationships. But I drop the ball on really checking in and asking what is it you need. I think at some level we all do that in relationships. I think I end up avoding asking and checking in because I think things are great. And they are. On my side things are great and going exactly how I want them to go. Without any regard at all of how my other half is doing. I mean I do ask, sometimes. I’m not daft. I do check in. But not enough. I am not comfortable to have those How do you feel about my conversations. I kind of poke at it with inquisitive type questions. It’s my way to kind of gauge how my relationship is going. I have finally figured that out after all of these years.
I’m working on trying to communicate better by allowing my partner to really open up and talk to me all of the time about the uncomfortable things. How many conversations are you avoiding right now? I’m talking about the really tough stuff that you know you have to talk about. You just don’t want to. That’s the place I get to. I don’t want to talk about it. Oh it’s fine, you’re happy right? We had sex last night so that means we are fine.
Guess what, no it doesn’t. Having sex with your partner is not any type of indication of the health of your relationship. That one took the breath right out of me when I figured it out. I admit it. I have always used the frequency of sex as a way to tell if things were fine. I am so stupid. I felt that if we are having sex it’s a way to connect and express love for each other. When I talked to my ex girlfriend about this last weekend she told me sometimes sex she felt was an expectation more than a way to connect. She wanted to keep me happy so we would have sex frequently. I don’t want that. Okay, wait Lol I do want that, but not that way. I want to make love to my girlfriend because we both are in the mood for each other. Not her placating me or trying to make me happy.
Ladies, if you do that, stop. You don’t have to have sex with someone just because you feel some sort of pressure or obligation to. You really don’t. I’m giving you permission and screaming at you right now DO NOT DO THAT ANYMORE! You have the right and you really have the obligation to only offer your body, heart, and mind when you are ready to give it and not a second sooner than that. Because after that conversation I had with my ex I felt dirty. I felt like a dirtbag like wow. I pushed her into sleeping with me? Is that what she meant? So I called her back for clarification. She had the calming response I didn’t know I needed. She said I had never pushed her for sex, I never even begged for it. She said you would always make her want me at some point during the day by the small, cute things I do or say. She would start getting in the mood by my kindness and how sweet I was. She said by night time when we would crawl into bed together she would reward my loving acts of kindness with some kissing and that was always where I would take over. She said she couldn’t remember me every sawing to her I want sex right now and then take her. She said it was always subtle. She admitted sometimes she was so tired and she would kiss on me just so that I would hold her and love on her a little bit but not really intending for us to have sex. Another big ego blow. I felt like Mighty Joe getting his ass kicked in that 80’s boxing game Punch Out. I’m sorry but if any guy is reading this I would have just gotten a high five and a huge laugh for that reference Lol Okay getting back to the topic here, sorry. My ex said she loved how much I wanted her. She said I made her feel beauitful every single day and I really made her feel sexy. She said she never really felt sexy before. She had moments where she felt really good or she thought her outfit was cute and she was having a great hair day. She said she just didn’t feel sexy on her own. She said I would say something about how good she looked or the way her eyes would light up in the sunlight and she felt pretty then I would lean over and whisper something a little dirty in her ear about how I wanted to just take her and kiss her right there, but I wouldn’t do it. She felt very sexy and loved that about me. She said our sex life was great. She said I took care of her and would always make sure that it felt like love making and not me just trying to get my rocks off Lol Honestly, I was relieved to hear that because I was starting to feel compared to a battering ram or something Lol I don’t think I treat women that poorly, especially in bed. I do try really hard to make it new and fresh every time but I also want them to have fun and enjoy it. Sex for me has always been special. Every time. I know it’s not something that you just do just because. I have always approached it as a reward for good behavior. Is that stupid? Does anyone else do that?
So we had another hour long discussion about how my only 3 faults with her, and yes she listed 3, were the following.
1. I do not know how to open up and really talk about my wants and needs
2. I pacifiy everyone in my life
3. I completely shut down when confronted about anything. Completely. She said the word completely 3 times in a row to really throw that point home.
I felt shocked but then I had to step back from my ego being blown to pieces and realize she meant it. And I had to……Jesus, I had to agree with her on all 3. I am that guy. I do exactly that.
1. I do not know how to talk about what I want or need. I am a people pleaser. I always have been. I go out of my way to make you comfortable, have all you need, and will do all I can to help you if you ask for me. Talking about myself is not something I am comfortable with. I’m getting more comfortable with it because of this blog. This is my therapy. You all are my audience and watching me grow into a better man with each post I write. As much as I talk about myself on here, what do ya’ll really know about me? Just the basics and things I admit to here. I tell you what I want you to know, not really telling you the full depth of who I am and what my entire life has been about.
I need to take a break. I’m phsycially getting upset right now. I will BRB (Be Right Back)
Okay I got up and took a little break. I get so upset about this because I am so private. My entire life has been turned upside down the past 9 months and it hasn’t been easy. I get upset because I have tried really hard to keep myself graceful and kind all the time. It’s exhausting. There are times I get annoyed by things people say or how they twist the smallest thing into their own version of my life. That’s annoying and you shouldn’t do that to people. I rarely get angry because I’m in more control of my emotions to get to the level of anger. I rarely raise my voice. If I do, I immediately feel horrible. I am not a yeller. I don’t yell. I get upset and can get loud for a brief moment then I walk away or say give me 5 or 10 minutes to cool off. I disengage. So yes 3 is me. I do 3. I am 3. I shut down.
3. I don’t like confrontation. I hate it. I am not someone that will lie when I’m confronted. All 3 of my ex girlfriends are like that. I would confront them or even just ask something and they would straight up lie to me. The problem with it was they would lie but in such a way it didn’t sound or feel like a lie. I have begun to recognize that a lot better with people. I ask a question I expect an answer that is somewhere near Yes or No. My 3 ex girlfriends would say the yes or the no part then immediately follow up with a long, twisting, weird and confusing explanation of why. And by the time they would finish answering my question I would be so frustrated and lost I would just throw up my hands and walk away.
Guess what else I have learned recently? Don’t do that. You don’t need to confront people on anything. Ever. I swear that’s true. I know you don’t believe it but think about. Every single time you have confronted someone on something has it ever had a positive outcome in the moment? Not likely. The positive outcome comes very soon after. But approaching someone with an accusatory or even a confrontation doesn’t work ever. It immediately does what? Gets someone’s defenses up to the point they back off from you instead of coming towards you with love and asking for compassion and understanding. I have learned in the last month that confrontations are a horrible experience for both sides. So I’m done confronting people. If I have a question I am going to start asking in the moment not having a doubt and holding it in my wallet to yank out later whenever I FEEL like it. That’s the key. Confrontations come when you are ready to do it not when the other person is either prepared, warned, or ready. Gosh, we are all so selfish sometimes. I know I am.
I am very arrogant. I know that. I kind of feel like I’ve earned it because of all that I have accomplished in my life and the way I handle myself. I am arrogant not in the look at all my cool stuff, F you guys I have everything. My arrogance is more like I know. I just know I am all of that and the bag of chips Lol I feel a little douchebaggy just saying that. Yes douchebaggy is a word! I hear all of the time how nice I am, how sweet I can be, how handsome I am, how smart my ideas are and how good of a father, friends, family member I am. I KNOW. Yes I do know that. I want to be all of those things, I work very hard at all of that. I know how good I am. I know I have a good heart and I know I help everyone I can. I know. I’m an arrogant s.o.b. That part of me will never change.
What I am really working on and learning about myself is 2.
2. Said I pacify everyone. I say what I know will get them off of my back or to make them happy. I pacify my employees, my clients, my family, my friends. I pacify the shit out of my nannies. I just go along with whatever needs to get done. I am a worker bee that wants to be King. The only problem is I am King and I still have the mentatlity of a worker bee. I don’t do expect anyone in my life to do things I would not do myself. That’s why the other day with the poop bomb both of my boys did all over the place I was first man in, first man out Lol I walked in, looked, laughed, then gagged and ran out. I did go back in and I did pick up Heston with shit all over him and got it all over my arms, hands and clothes. He is my son, he shit all over, it’s my responsibility to clean him up. I got him in the bath had Sarah watch him and I went in for Alex, with shit just smeared all over me. It looked like I had rolled in it Lol I picked up Alex, got him in the bath and I washed both of my boys. I mean I scrubbed every inch of them. Then I almost threw up from the smell all over my shirt and started to gag again. So I yanked my shirt off and threw it out of the way. And to be completely honest I threw that shirt away Lol It was going to haunt me if I washed it and tried to wear it again.
If I had listened that wouldn’t have happened. I pacify people. I admit it. I know I do that’s the really messed up thing about it. I say what people want to hear and literally get a sick feeling in my throat as the words are done coming out of my mouth. For example, I do not want to call this one friend back. He is….dang how do I say this without saying it. Okay, he’s a moron Lol He has messed up his job so bad he knows he is getting fired and he is trying everything he can now to not get fired. So what did he do? He stole someone else’s report, fudged some of the lines to make it look like his work and handed it in. And got caught Lol So now he knows for sure he will be fired soon and he left me a long voicemail asking me for help.
I texted him (The chickenshit way of responding to someone you don’t want to talk to) and said busy, talk later Lol I can feel my chicken feathers trying to push out of my shirt right now on that one. When I make that call tonight what will I tell him? Oh you will be okay maybe that job wasn’t meant for you anymore. You did try to fix it yes by the wrong means but you tried at least. O M G I make myself sick Lol What I want to say is you _ _ _ _ my friend are a moron and grow the heck up already. Who steals someone else’s hard work and passes it off as their own that isn’t 15 and flunking English? Lol My goodness! But I won’t say that to him. Because I don’t want him mad at me. Why? Because I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER!
I am learning a lot about myself. My ex girlfriend and I have been having hour long gabfests about why I am such an asshole sometimes and why I am also the sweetest man she has ever dated Lol It’s been hilarious and really opening to my knowledge of how I am perceived. She has been great about this. She continues to call because she really does enjoy talking to me. She said there’s just something about you that I could never fully get over. I’ve heard that twice before. See, ARROGANNNTT. She said she does miss me, she is so happy we are finally talking like this and that she missed how much we laughed together.
Me too, sugar! So that’s how insightful and fun my last few days have been. It’s good to get a mirror put up to your face sometimes. We all need that. I hope I have helped at least one person because goodness knows this post was not easy to write.
This is me being vulnerable and owning my shit. I hope you see how much I am trying to be a better person!
So what if you are both in love and you are both saying I love you but there really is nothing else behind it. There’s no more trying or no more wanting to try? What do you do? And how do you step away and finally say you know what? I’m kind of done. Love isn’t enough anymore.
I think the only thing you can do is get real honest, have a very hard emotional talk and really find out if it’s over or if it’s just stuck. If it’s stuck you can both pick it up and drag it back onto the road. Every relationship hits a ditch at some point. Especially long ones. If it’s done, own it, say it, and do everything in kindness up until she gets crazy or you get crazy. Then just get out quick. Because a breakup is hard. It will make you suffer in ways you never knew existed.
And then you will get over it and be okay. I promise you will both be fine.
What do you do when loving someone is not enough? It’s not enough for you and it’s not enough for them? How do you figure that out?