Being vulnerable is actually something I’m very good at. I know how to express my feelings. I don’t hold back. I don’t get scared and I’m never worried about making a fool out of myself. When I am entering that vulnerable place I have already prepared my heart. I take a big deep breath and I just let it out. I never really have that insecurity of Oh geez I shouldn’t have said that, in the moment at least. Believe me, I church my words over and over later on. In the moment, I am confident, I speak from my heart and I offer everything I have to every situation.
That’s why I am beloved, especially with women. I am very sweet, very charming and I know it. I am very compassionate, I’m a great listener and I’m not at all judgemental or mean. I never do personal attacks and I won’t pick on anybody. I am respectful, kind, and loving. I can say what I think, feel, and want. What I’m not very good at is accepting compliments or love. It’s very hard for me to believe someone is saying something nice about me. I will explain why later. I have always been this way. I am working very hard on that. I am not in therapy. I have been to therapy before. 3 times total. All for less than a year each. The first time I entered into therapy I was a kid. Something really bad had happened to me and my mom took me to a therapist for 1 visit. I was 7. I was asked about what happened, I didn’t even realize what all of it meant so I answered matter of fact and we went to McDonald’s right afterwards. For a few days my mom kept asking me if I was okay. I said yes, still very confused about all of it, and finally she left me alone about it for about 10 years. When I was 17 she asked me if I remembered anything that happened. I said yes, still confused and she explained all of it to me. I was in shock. I also felt really stupid for all of the years I had no clue what happened. I just remember a lot of people asking me if I was okay when I was 7 and 8 years old. I heard a lot of whispering behind my back but I figured it was because I kept growing so tall. I really had no idea. When she brought it up I was very angry. I stayed angry for a long time. It’s a pattern in my family to hide stuff. Particularly if its really bad. It’s almost like the worse it is the more you don’t talk about it, ever. That’s just how we all are. That is why it’s so hard to get me to open up about anything more than surface stuff. I am polite, I answer questions, and then I want people to leave me alone because talking about myself is the last thing I want to do.
The 2nd time I was in therapy was after Lisa and our son Ryan passed away. It took me months to get into therapy. It might have actually been over a year before I went. I went only because I felt dead inside. I stopped laughing, I stopped smiling. I didn’t feel any emotions. I learned that I had survivors guilt and I was blaming myself for the accident even though I had nothing at all to do with it. I felt that I should have prevented her from driving that night. I felt I should have somehow stopped her? I don’t know. I just felt like it was all of my fault and I struggled to really forgive myself. In fact I still harbor a lot of that guilt in my heart. I think I always will. In therapy that time I did learn how to talk about my pain. I was able to label what my pain was and dig deeper to find the source. That was as far as I got with it before I quit. I got mad and left. I never went back. I did pay off my bill and I did return the few phone calls my therapist made to ask me to come back. I told her no thanks.
The 3rd time I was in therapy was about 4 years ago. It was more of a maintenance check up or my mental health because my insomnia was really really bad. I went to therapy to score some pills so I could sleep. But as you know you have to get some couch time in before you get a script written. I was deemed depressed and not given any pills at all. I was told to talk things out to relieve the pressure and stress. So I did. I started talking and it really opened up a huge can of worms. I became angry then silent. I also became reclusive and I didn’t want to do anything but work and go home. That lasted a few months until I met a girl. She pulled me out of it. It was her love for me that really put all of my broken pieces together. Then the relationship ended and I was left with a huge can of worms, a broken heart, all of my family baggage and stories haunting me, and more stress from work than I had before.
On my own I dealt with all of it. Slowly. I began reading books on spirituality, I began studying neuroscience and trying to figure things out. My insomnia was replaced by devouring books one per night. I would stay up and read until my eyes would close. I loved it. I still do that. I read a book every night. Sometimes I can finish 1 book in a day. I just love learning. I can’t ever learn enough I always want to know more. Therapy for me is a giant waste of time because I am someone who needs to learn by living. I have slowed down my decision-making. I am more hesitant than I am decisive. I am more humble than I am arrogant. The best thing about all of the pain that I can now label is that I feel it and deal with it. You have to. If you don’t deal with it you will internally decompose.
I was dying inside when my son and fiancée died. I wanted to die too. That was the worst that my life has ever been. Not this. This stuff, it’s deeply sad to me but I am great. I am in a really good place because I know the truth. Nobody can ever take the amount of love I gave and received away from me. One day, someday, everything will come out and my truth will be the only thing that will remain. Everything I have said, everything I have done has all been truth-telling. It’s starting to become more apparent to a lot of people. I’m starting to hear more and more about how people are flipping sides. I don’t want anyone to flip sides I just want a chance for people to listen to me or at least read my words on my blog or books. I’ve done all I can. I don’t need to do anymore. It’s all here, until some lawyer or some authority figure takes it all away. Until then if that ever happens I will keep paying the domain and hosting bills and leave it right here for all of you. That being said I only have a few things left I want to say about all of this.
I know that my soul belongs right here, right now. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I love my life. I have survived some real shit, not this high school shit people try to put on me. I love who I am and I know I am a good man. I have been loved more than I have ever deserved for that and that’s what I take with me moving forward, all of the love, the laughter, and the greatest parts of my life.
Everything else can go kick rocks. Because my past is my past. It did not defined me it only shaped me. I have survived. And I’m damn proud of myself.
You can call me, text me, email me, come find me. Whatever it is you are wanting to say to me. I have said no to you for months. I had to until I was ready. I’m prepared. I took a big deep breath. Give me your words and I will listen, finally. After all, I am the only one you can really talk to about anything. We both know that.