My very first Father’s day started out the only way I wanted it to. Lindsay woke me up with both of my boys freshly bathed, smelling great, new diapers and new Batdad shirts on Lol She put them in bed with me and took some photos of us all piled together. Then she let me just play with them alone for a while. She went to get their bottles ready. I took my boys hands and did our daily morning prayer then kissed all over them and tried to see who I could make laugh the longest. Heston won this time. Alex laughed but he mostly grinned. I think he was more hungry than ready to play.
These boys are a gift from God to me. I can not express or even find the words enough to describe what it means to me to have them in my life. I didn’t know I was ready for a family until my family was ready for me. I know what it meant for their birth mom to release them to me to raise. That has never been lost on me. I talk to the boys about her often. And tell them she is a great woman. She did what she felt was the best thing for them. Her photo is in their room because I never want them to be without her. She is the reason they are with me.
Thinking back on the beginning of this legal adoption I realize all the hoops I have already jumped through. I am a patient man and that’s good because waiting for one email or that one phone call that will tell me what our adoption hearing date is tests me, daily. It is not a goal. It’s a need. I need to know that my boys can never be taken away from me. I need them to know I love them so much I fought to have them forever. It has never been a usual case. It never is when a single parent goes for full custody. I’m hearing all of these stories about adoption and I love that. I’m learning both sides of it and I know that I still need to work on my compassion for it all. I have an open adoption plan. But nothing has ever gone by our agreement. On my side I have kept my word all the way through. Even when it was hard. On the birth parents side, the birth dad has walked away. He wanted photos one time. We had 2 phone calls and he’s gone. He did give me all he could, his DNA for testing, his signature on the papers we needed him to sign, and all of his family history that he collected from his folks. He was great. I thank him for all he has done to help out. I wish he wouldn’t have walked away from us. I pray he comes back. I think the boys would love to know him throughout their life. Their birth mom has pulled away. She still asks for photos. She stopped asking for videos and she’s not coming to visit us until November. She said it’s too hard and she’s trying to move on. She has stopped therapy and I think she is happier with that decision. I support anything she does. Doesn’t matter if I agree, my job in her life is to support and love her. No matter what. I tell her all of the time you are welcome here, always. You and anyone you want to bring with you. Come stay even if you don’t want to visit me and the boys. Come be near us. I will arrange a getaway weekend. Anything I can do for you. She has been great. I still worry about her thoughts and what she feels that she doesn’t tell anyone. She has gone a little quiet. I have to give her the space to process this. It’s a lot for me too.
My entire life changed in November of last year. Despite all of this negative press I get, this has been my true cross to bear. I have been scared everyday since I found out they were twins. I have learned how stupid and naive I was thinking this adventure would just be all fun and games. It’s hard work, no sleep, forgetting to eat, and trying to juggle work and baby duty. Going out anytime I wanted, flying off for weekends, even hitting a occassional concert has stopped. I spend all day thinking about my boys. Which is good for me because I’m so selfish most of the time I spent all day thinking about me Lol My life seems easy. It’s not. My life seems like I have no problems because from the outside looking in I have enough money to take care of my problems. Babies don’t care about money. My babies don’t even realize what they have been born into it. And I don’t want to tell them. Not yet. I want them to slowly realize on their own that they have a better life than I did. And that’s as far as I want them to realize. I don’t want them to turn into snots. I said that, yes. I am only referring to my own kids, no one else’s kids. That’s not my place for comment. My kids will not be entitled, selfish, snots. I will teach them to feel blessed because we all are. I will show them that service to others and for others is the only way to live. They will work. I’m not the type to hand off anything. But it won’t be how I was raised. I learned. I’m still learning.
In 21 years from now we will be at 2 college graduations. Maybe we won’t. In 21 years from now maybe I will already be a grandpa? Maybe one of my boys will be gay? Maybe both? In 21 years from now I will get to look back on this first year with my boys. My sons. And think back on what my dreams were for them. And then I get to laugh at myself when I realize my dreams for them only meant one thing, that I wanted them to be happy. I will always want them to feel loved and be happy.
Whatever comes our way it has been an honor to have these 2 little souls as my sons. Last year at this time I never thought this would happen. It was a dream that I shared with 1 person. That dream I thought had died with the loss her in my life. I realize now the loss of her opened this door. And for that I am thankful and aware of how God works. I had to lose something I loved very much in order to gain something I love more. My family. Today will be about spending all of my time with my boys. We are going to go have some fun and get them outside. I don’t do this very often because I guard them so closely. It’s time to enjoy this. They deserve to get some fresh air and sunlight. I’m ready for a great day with my little family. And of course my 2 friends who are my chosen family. Lindsay and Josh went to Church with me. Brandi is coming with us to help out for the day. I can’t wait to show off my boys today. They are my proudest grin and my fullest heart. I love Heston William and Alexander James more than I can describe!
Happy Father’s Day to everyone! Being a dad really does make me feel like Batman.
Well, Not Yet 😉