I am deeply entrenched in this self-actualization kick. Deeply. I am always thinking about my words and actions. It’s a conscious thought now and I love it. I want to learn more about myself from someone else’s perspective.
I am not a stereotypical guy at all. Never have been. That’s the one thing I hear a lot from my childhood friends. I was a combo. Strong athletically, not a bragger at all (That came later on Lol) and very sensitive. Kind, sweet, I hear a lot, always very gentle. That’s what a lot of my female childhood friends say. My male childhood friends remember me always being strong, sticking up for everyone even the kids we never hung around with and someone they could really talk to about stuff. All positive things. So I asked my group of misfit friends this morning, what is it that you remember about me that was negative, mean, condescending, or intolerable. It did take a few minutes for someone to say an example so that was great until…
I have an air about me. It’s confidence. I exude confidence probably because I am deeply, completely, utterly self-aware and totally in love with myself. I could literally talk about how much I love myself all day Lol That part comes off both positive and negative. Peyton who has known me the shortest amount of time. So she said she always felt less than while we were dating each other. She said she always paid a lot more attention to what outfit she wore to our group dinners or how her hair and makeup looked. She said she felt less attractive while we dated because of how in shape I am, how I dress, and how I treat everyone around us, even the wait staff, total strangers, or anyone I communicated with. She said she loved to watch me talk or listen to other people because it was a study of psychology for her. One of her favorite classes in college. She said she knew she wasn’t less than but for the first time she was dating someone she was intimidated by but not in a mean or angry intimidation. She said she just felt not good enough and with that insecurity she would act out more by doing or saying things to get my attention and get the focus all on her. She said she didn’t realize it until she analyzed every moment of our 1 month dating life with a bunch of her girlfriends and 4 bottles of wine 2 weekends after I broke up with her Lol She said I don’t realize that people around me probably all feel the way a little and that it’s not necessarily all my fault but I should do a better job of trying not to make everything a 5 star experience and just relax more.
Nice. I took it in and let it process just in time for Lindsay to chime in and say you are smug bastard and the only reason we have gotten on for 20 plus years is because I always have Cheetos and I don’t bullshit her. She said that’s all she had to add pass the bacon Lol
Drew said he always felt protected by me. Not just my size but because I would do the right thing. Even if it meant ratted us out to our folks. He said he knew he would be okay no matter how much trouble we got into because I would always take the blame. Even when I wasn’t even there I would go tell his folks it was all of my fault so he wouldn’t be in that much trouble. He said he felt like he wasn’t able to really develop a sense of self-protection until we finally went our separate ways after college and he had to. He said he felt like we were so joined at the hip that he didn’t really have an identity. He was known as Sam’s friend. Or the tall guy’s bud. He said he felt more of a man and more all on his own the day he got married. And he said right before we both went out to stand at the altar waiting for his bride I made a joke and told him “Well I raised you up best I could, you are all hers now” and we all laughed because it was both truth and honest. He said that was one of the things he would always remember about the wedding day because it wasn’t just his parents giving him up forever, it was me too. And he felt a little scared not having me in his life everyday anymore. He said so it was a good thing we split up after college but he always knew we would be best friends for life based on all of the talks we have had since we were kids. He said you really do feel like half of me and my wife and kids feel like the other half. So there was that Aahhh moment and then we both high-fived and laughed to cover up any tears we both felt might sneak out and embarrass us Lol
Ben said since he has known me a little longer than Peyton he has seen a lot of stress from Lindsay and a lot of stress from me. He said we both are too into our jobs and we do need to relax more as Peyton said. He said he feels like one of the group instantly because no matter if Lindsay invites him or not he feels invited. And he said every time we see each other I give him a man hug. He said some of his own friends he has had for years don’t greet or say goodbye like that and at first it made him a little uncomfortable but he realizes it’s just genuine love and care about him is why I do it. Because I do it with everyone not just women, not just guys, everyone.
Tristan had a lot to say. I will skip most of it because it was complimentary and I wasn’t looking for that. She said she felt like there was always something different about me and that she knew I was being abused but didn’t want to talk to me about it. She said she knew my dad was mean because he would yell at her and her sister a lot even when they weren’t even doing anything. She said she was mad at me for not running away sooner. She said she felt like I got really good at hiding my feelings or covering up things with stories that didn’t tell the full truth but as soon as I left and moved into her house when I was 16 that I wasn’t like that ever again. She said you just said things. She said you were nice about it but even things that people didn’t want to hear, you said them. She said that helped her a lot with dating because I would look after her and her sister when it came to boys. She said the 2 years we had together in her house she liked it because I was a lot nicer than Tyson was Lol She said Tyson’s focus went all on me and the girls both felt that was a big relief because Tyson was actually treating them nicer now that he wasn’t bugging them about everything they did or said. She said she just wishes I would stop being so naive and really figure out why I keep meeting these damsels in distress that need to be saved. Something I hear a lot that I am attracted to women that need or want me to save them.
Tyson said he just remembers all the fun we had as kids and he doesn’t really remember anything mean I ever said to him. He said we never got into a fist fight or had big blowups between us until we were adults. He said he thinks I’m a tease with women though that he has heard that a lot around town that I will be friendly or make friends with women then drop them all of a sudden or stop talking to them. He said he thought I was a player and had been sleeping with every girl who said that about me to him and I said no, I have had sex with 3 women in my whole life. I’m the furthest thing from a player. I explained to him that I get shy when a woman says she likes me and I will push her away immediately because I’m very uncomfortable about that. I said I only like it when I also like the woman and then I will keep in communication regularly. Then I said who said that and he said he’d tell me later but it was a lot.
Drew’s wife said she adores me and that’s why Drew gets mad at her sometimes because she used to compare how he treats her to how I treat her and she said other than that I’ve always welcomed her into the family and made sure she has help with the kids or helps her get Drew to stop being an ass Lol We all laughed at that because Drew really is an ass.
Becky said she just loves being around me because I make silly jokes and I always make sure she’s having a good time. She said she also feels intimidated because of all the money that I have but she thinks I just need to not work so hard now that I have the boys and she hopes I can learn to forgive myself. She said I take things really hard and I need to work on getting to a better place of forgiveness.
It was fun. I was a little offended by some of it naturally but I do really value the opinions of my friends. It’s nice to know that I do have another side because I hear a lot how nice I am. I know I am (See, arrogance coming out) but I’m not nice all of the time. I mostly am. But I have my moments. It’s just very, very rare when anything mean-spirited or even rude comes out of my mouth. Very rare.
So that was our breakfast conversation. I took everyone out on the boat and we had the jet skis out also. We all went for rides and took turns on the jet skis. Now Lindsay and I are making stuff for sandwiches and chips. We are eating light because we are going to go shopping with everyone and I told them there are a bunch of snack places around there so eat light because you will want to buy some mall food.
This is where the competition part of Lindsay and I gets really out of hand. When we take our friends shopping we pay for everything. She keeps her receipts so she can total them up after we get back and let me know that she spent more on our friends than I did Lol She turns it into some sick game of who is buying their love more, me or her. I take the guys with me, she takes the girls and the girls all go into each store as a pack. When it’s time to check out she stands up there like a 4 star Shopping General and herds everyone’s items into their own individual bags, hands it to them, says you’re welcome then slaps down her Visa and grins like a proud Sugar Mama Lol
I take the guys into all the cool stores and we all look at stuff, try on funny hats or just mess around. The guys don’t want me to pay for anything but they kind of do so I tell them Hey I didn’t go all out for your Christmas, get whatever you want on me. That’s when the kid in them goes nuts and we end up buying completely useless and stupid shit that the women pick on us later for.
We all have to go back to the house, try on new clothes do a little fashion show or get our whatever out of the bag, hold it up and explain what it is and why we wanted it. It’s like a giant Adult Show and Tell and Lindsay loves it. She gets so excited when everyone is so happy with their new stuff and she just loves seeing how happy they are to play with it or look in the mirror all day twirling around or checking their ass Lol It’s ridiculous. I really don’t remember when all of this started but I do remember it is always a fun experience. And honestly our friends do not take advantage of this at all. They usually pick out a few things that doesn’t cost that much. It’s mostly stuff they would never buy for themselves. I enjoy going shopping too and I always ask my friends Should I get this? I’ve been wanting it but I don’t know when I would use the darn thing. I almost always end up buying it.
Tonight it’s Meatfest 2016. I am grilling out and we are going to have ourselves a family bbq. Cam is coming over, some of my employees are driving up with Josh. It’s going to be a huge party. I even invited 4 of my neighbors from here. They are bringing side salads which I thought was so sweet.
Time to go chop veggies and get out lunch stuff.
I hope ya’ll are having a great weekend! I really am. It’s so nice having everyone here. I needed this. I didn’t realize it yesterday but I really did need my friends with me this weekend. I’ve been depressed for a few weeks and haven’t wanted to admit it. I’m so happy to get this time with people who I know love me unconditionally and I am so thankful they had the time to come be with us. They all pretty much just dropped everything to be here. I wasn’t seeing it like that yesterday so I feel bad for complaining but I now know Lindsay knew I needed them that’s why she invited everyone. On Earth. Everyone on Earth is at my house. Making a mess and touching my stuff Lol Just kidding.
God loves you and I love ya’ll too!