The coughing is almost gone

Thank you for all the nice messages about Heston. His cough is better. It’s not completely gone and we have him on meds. I pray he doesn’t have allergies like I do. I think it’s just a combo of some things and we are very happy that Alex did not catch it. Yet. I hope the medicine clears everything up and we don’t start passing this one around. We did that last year and I don’t want to go through that again. Everyone got sick in consecutive sections. This is why I make sure to take my vitamin C pill every morning. To help my immune system.

Yesterday I had a very chill day at the house. I didn’t leave. I wanted to be with Heston because he wasn’t feeling well still. He is much better and we had a low-key play on the floor kind of day. He did take a few extra naps and that’s okay right now. I think Alex loves it when he gets me all to himself. He always wants me to hold him and he starts touching my face all over. He’s studying me. Trying to figure out my words I think. He is my little restless boy. He is happy in general but he is always the one crying over things. Heston doesn’t very often. It’s really weird how different they are. The older they get the more they look exactly the same. We do the same baby haircut on them. I’m not growing their hair out. I’ve seen that before on boys and no thanks. It’s just not our style. My wife wanted to grow it out a little and I said no. I change my hairstyle monthly so I know what I like for my boys. Their fine blonde hair doesn’t really show much of a cut yet anyway. I know their hair will thicken up in the next 2 years it’s just in a transitional phase Lol

The ladies went shopping, to a play, to more shopping then I gave my wife cash and told her to take everyone out to eat and bring me back something, please. When they are all getting along and everyone is happy I try to do all I can to keep that going because it doesn’t last long. The trouble isn’t with my wife and Sarah. I really thought that would b the toughest relationship. The trouble is with the 2 part-time nannies and my wife. She expects a great deal out of both of them on the weekends to give us a little time off. They both work 12 hours shifts and they make their own schedules. Whatever they choose that’s what they choose. I don’t have a preference. I just want 24 hour coverage for my boys. When I’m being greedy and want time alone with my boys the girls struggle with that. They are getting paid to do whatever we want. So if I say go shopping they always do a check in a few times to make sure they don’t need to come home. They don’t want to take advantage of the situation. I reassure them we are all fine, I just want alone time because I work and travel so much. I want to actually raise these boys. I don’t know how my parents did it. I don’t want to go out with my friends on weekends or party it up anymore. I get off work happy to be going home to a family. My family. I want every spare second with my boys and I struggle more to have time for my wife. She knows that I try very hard to balance it all out. And let’s be honest, gifts help Lol We don’t fight. Well at least not yet. We are still very much in the honeymoon phase and can’t get enough of each other. She is much better at making efforts, small affections, and time for me. And here we are wanting another child so soon after my boys. I know I’m not Batman (yet Haha) but I still try to save the world. Well actually I try to save myself from the world that never stops.

The truth is some days I feel like a complete failure. I drag myself home at 8pm, my boys are already in bed getting ready to fall asleep. Which means I only get a half hour or so with them for the day. That never makes me happy. I eat a quick supper. Sit on the couch and find out how my wife’s day was. Then I get a full report from Sarah on what happened with the boys, she goes home to the condo next door and I internalize how working so much isn’t worth it anymore.

I have built an empire. It’s a well oiled machine run by Lindsay’s ambitions and my loyal employees. 9 years I’ve been building this thing. And truth be told I’ve spent my entire life working for this. My years in the Marine Corps taught me so much. That’s probably why I still wake up so early in the mornings. Believe me I’d much rather be in bed but my mind won’t shut off and I can’t just flip on the tv anymore. I have a very beautiful, very sleepy wife that does sleep all night. I don’t want to wake her up. I already feel guilty the times I roll out of bed quietly and accidentally wake her a little. A kiss and a go back to sleep usually does the trick. My businesses run themselves. Lindsay is taking more and more control of things. She’s doing a great job and I knew she would. When she sold her own business after 12 years of running things I knew she was very serious about partnering up. Who knew she would have saved up so much cash to really buy into my company. I knew she was always well off because we always fought over who paid for what but I guess I wasn’t paying that much attention to the things she owns. Not leases like the rumor mill started a few years ago.

I will retire at the end of this year not because I can’t do this anymore. It’s all about my children. My dad was never home and never there for me. I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be present and accounted for, daily. I want to have dinner with them, ask about school and be able to take and pick up from school. I want them to know, not just realize but really know that I’m there for them. I am going to do something. I haven’t figured it all out yet. But I am going to do something with a much lighter schedule. I would love to go to Culinary school. I just don’t think my hand can do it. It has been so damaged it’s getting harder and harder to open and close it. It’s my left hand that’s bad and being left-handed I won’t be able to control my knife skills or stir or anything as well as everyone else. My wife has encouraged me to go talk to a chef school and ask them to just give me some basic things to test my hand out. She said if it’s so bad I need to start occupational therapy or something to help make it better. I was doing great last year with it. That’s because changing diapers a million times a day, you get your dexterity going. And within the next year and a half maybe, the boys will be potty trained and we will have fewer things to change or clean up. Just a quick sidenote, you read all of these baby books and my boys do not follow the timeline these books say they will. We are either very early on growth and progress or we are very late. And having twins they don’t do things the exact same days like I thought. It’s close but Heston is usually the first one to do something brand new. I think he teaches Alex more than we do.

I want to be with my family. I want to devote time to my wife so we don’t have marital problems. I’ve seen so many of my friends get a divorce. I can’t judge them for making that choice because I can’t imagine that would be easy. What I do know is that I don’t believe in it and I have no plans to screw up my life so much my wife doesn’t want me anymore. She keeps saying that I’m too perfect. I’m not. Far from it. I am decent and I’m a good man. I want the very best for everyone. Most of all I want my boys to do good things in this world. Whatever that may be. They came into this life having me as their only parent. Now they have a mom and 2 parents who adore them. From that we now have extended family and 1 set of grandparents that love the fact they don’t have to share us with any other family on holidays. They get us anytime they want. That’s one of those sad bonuses about my folks not being here. I think about that sometimes. Would I ever let my boys even meet my dad? I’m sure I would. Would I ever let my mom take them overnight to her house? No. Not if she had stayed with him. I think about my folks more now than I did in the past 13 years. I miss my mom. I really miss my grandmother. She was, is, and will forever be my hero. She is why I’m this way. She is the reason why I feel lost sometimes. She was my guiding light and without her here I am heartbroken. She would have loved that I had the boys and got married. She would have been right there for all of it.

Family is all we have. You don’t always get along but I’m starting to realize, if you do right by your own family, you will do right for everyone else. I love my wife and boys with all of my heart. I plan to have another chill day at home. And when the ladies wake up breakfast will be ready for them. Because cooking is how I say I love you. And them enjoying it is how I know they love me too.

Have a great Sunday everyone! The boys will not be going to Church this morning. Brandi will be staying home as long as we bring back her blessed Starbucks Lol We will be going home around 5, our usual time. My dog is up I need to go take him out. I will update more tomorrow.

God loves you and I love ya’ll too!

About Samuel

Single dad of 4 beautiful kids, Heston & Alex my twin boys, and my daughters Peace and Sky. Dad of 2 angel babies in Heaven, Ryan and Talon. Divorced. Semi-retired app developer, business partner, Commercial Real estate investor, Chicago Bears & Chicago Cubs fan, vegan, lifelong Catholic, voting independent party member, guitar playing singer who owns a dog, and 2 cats. We live in beautiful Denver, Colorado. I started my first blog Janaury 1st, 2012. Official owner of and @NotBatmanYet Twitter account.
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