Mother’s Day 2017

For her own reasons my wife asked me (Told me) not to blog about her mother’s day weekend. All I’m allowed to say is she said Best Day Ever.

I have no idea why. It’s still unclear to me. I’m pretty sure she’s not going to change her mind so I will just say my boys had an awesome fun-filled family day with all of us then their grandparents. I ran around crazy making sure everything and everyone was perfect. It was exhausting and worth it. Put it in the books.

This week I have 2 trips out-of-town. This weekend’s plans are still a discussion. Last night’s family meeting went as follows and I haven’t finished all of the editing on it but this is pretty typical for us.

Family Meeting – Sunday May 15th, 2017

None of my friends believe me when I tell them what goes on at my family meetings. We are only supposed to discuss the schedule for the week so we can work things out about my boys. That’s all I intended for the weekly Sunday family meeting. That’s not what happens. Ever. This time I decided to record it on my phone then use Dragon software to translate it into text. I had to go back and fix some words but this is a true accounting.

Everyone but my wife sits down.

Me: Honey, we’re all ready.
The Wife: I know I know. I’m com…is Tristian in there?
Sarah: No
Heather: Hereeeeeeeee kitty kitty kitty…Trissssssssstannnnnnn
Brandi: Where’s my big boy kittyyyyy
Me rolling my eyes
The Wife: I found him he was laying in the dirty laundry
The Wife sitting down: Can we speed this one up I paused my show
Brandi: Oooohh what are you watching?
The Wife: We are on Season 2 of House of Cards. It’s getting so good, right? —Looking at me
Me: I guess
Sarah: Wait until you get to the last episode of that season and everything…
My wife interrupts: Don’t tell me! I think I know what’s going to happen but I don’t really know. I don’t know.
Me: Can we get this over with?
Heather: That’s what she said
All 4 start laughing at me, I’m not amused
The Wife: I haven’t heard that one in a while. That can be used for everything.
Brandi: Don’t get her started. She’ll never stop.
Me: Okay so I’m traveling on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week and I will try to make it back into town before supper. But if not…
The Wife interrupts: No you can’t go anywhere Wednesday, we have that thing. Move that to Thursday.
Me: Blank stare
The Wife: The THING! Remember we just talked about this yesterday morning.
Me: No
The Wife: Yes. O M G really? You said ok when I told you that you needed to be there.
Brandi: Does it suck getting old and losing all of your memory?
All 4 start laughing at me again
Me: Listen I really don’t remember and no it doesn’t suck because I have a great memory. Yesterday morning you told me we needed to go to a work event at lunch together so you can rail on some lawyer about something and if you do it in public he can’t start yelling back at you. See. I knew that.
The Wife: That’s right. You aren’t that old. Yet.
All 4 giggle.
Me: I appreciate the Quad Squad ganging up on me but can we just get this schedule figured out without all of the jokes?
Heather: Wait what did he call us last week?
Brandi: It was something about a
Sarah: The Fourosity. Which I thought was hilarious.
The Wife: You know your sexist labels for us could get you in trouble.
Sarah: Could we really sue him for calling us names?
The Wife: Depends on how offended we get. Suing may be too extreme but we could definitely guilt him into some special food treats. Make him run all over the city to pick up things.
Brandi: Gooooooooood idea. Let’s guilt him.
Heather: I’m so offended Hahaha
Sarah: I do like those cupcakes from Shay’s.
The Wife: I was thinking maybe he takes us all to another Cubs game Hahahaha Remember that?
Me: Never again. Can we just stop. Please.
The Wife: You called us names. In fact I think you like to antagonize us.
Me: No.
The Wife: It’s a pattern.
Me: No it’s not. I just want to talk about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…
Sarah interrupts: No we start on Sunday to set up for the evening shift. We don’t start the schedule on Monday.
Me: I know, that’s not what I meant. (Getting pissed)
Brandi: I’m hungry, does anyone want some of that dip?
Heather: Hell to the yeah
The Wife: Oh let me grab the crackers from the deli. They have some kind of seeds baked into them they are really good.
Me: No snacks! Let’s just do this already. Now I can take over Monday night, apparently Wednesday night but not Thursday. Friday…
The Wife interrupting: No we have that thing Friday too. Do you not write this stuff down?
Me: I’m looking at my phone right now. There’s nothing on Friday.
The Wife: Yeah, two weeks ago I told you we have to go out to dinner for Carol’s birthday in 2 weeks from Friday. That’s this friday.
Heather: Grab me a soda please, B.
Brandi: K
Sarah: I will do Monday to Friday days but this weekend I have plans.
The Wife: Do you have a date?
Sarah: Blank stare
Heather: Oooohhh who’s the guy!
Brandi: What guy!
Sarah: Shut up it’s not a date.
Me: No dates this weekend. I need all 3 of you.
Sarah: No I told you about this last week.
Me: No you didn’t.
Sarah: Yes I did. I said I can’t cover Saturday or Sunday next week.
Me: Sarah if you told me that I would have put it in my phone.
The Wife: You have been forgetting a lot lately.
Sarah: Or maybe you don’t listen.
Me: Well maybe you girls should stop telling me things when I’m not listening.
Heather: That’s like, always Hahaha
The other 2 laugh. Brandi comes back with dip, chips, sodas, veggies, and peanut butter.
Brandi: I can do Monday night to Wed.
Heather: Then I get Thurs, Friday, Saturday but not Sunday morning. I have a thing.
Sarah: I do not have a date.
The Wife: We already let that go but since you brought it back up, who is he Hahaha
Heather: Yeah, spill.
Brandi: Is it Jesse?
Heather: Who’s Jesse?
Sarah: Shut up.
The Wife: Jesse the building maintenance guy?
Sarah: God no.
The Wife: Then I’m out of guesses.
Me: Heather is down for Thursday – Saturday nights. Ok. See, I WROTE THAT DOWN (Holds up my phone on the Calendar, and no one pays any attention)
Sarah: I’m not telling you guys anything. You guys will stalk me again.
Heather: We only did that once and it was for your own good.
Brandi mouthful of food: Rrryyeeaahh
The Wife: You guys stalked her on a date, that’s hilarious.
Me: Ok who’s taking Sunday morning?
Sarah: They showed up at the bar we were at and stared at us the whole time. My date thought they were escapees from the hospital or something.
Brandi: Heather told me to limp so no one would notice us. So I limped all the way in Hahaha
The Wife: Shut up you did not Hahaha
Heather: It was to make everyone not notice us coming in but it backfired.
Sarah: It was embarrassing.
Brandi: Yeah, like, I totally took one shoe off and limped in like I was injured.
Heather: Then we acted all thirsty to try to score free drinks but it didn’t work.
Brandi: They charge $7.50 for a cosmo at that place. What a rip.
Heather: Yeah
The Wife: I can’t believe you two did that.
Me: Can we get BACK TO THE SCHEDULE!
All 4 blank stare me then start eating again and ignoring me
Brandi: I need $50

Heather: No she doesn’t Hahaha Ask her why

Brandi: Shut up, yes I do. I need $50

Me: What for? (Dad stare)

Brandi: For a parking ticket.

The Wife: Give me the ticket.

Brandi: I haven’t gotten it yet.

Sarah: Then why do you need money for it?

Heather: Told ya

Brandi: Because I’m going to get a ticket when I park where I’m not supposed to.

Me: Park somewhere else. No $50. And no more tickets. Either one of you.

Heather: Hey I’ve been good.

Brandi: If I park somewhere else I have to walk like 3 blocks.

The Wife: Omg you can walk. And Sam’s right. You keep getting parking tickets when you know you can park elsewhere.

Me: That’s right.

Sarah: Are you seriously that lazy you can’t walk?

Brandi: I have to carry something. That’s why I need to park illegally. If I have the $50 I can pay it the same day and no one cares.

Me: I care, about my $50. Park somewhere else. Walk.

Brandi: You are really going to make me walk 3 blocks carrying something heavy?

The Wife: What is it you are carrying?

Me: Don’t back down. You told me we need to stand up for ourselves.

The Wife: Shush

Heather: You are about to get lawyered Haha

Sarah: Haha

Brandi: It’s this thing

The Wife: What thing?

Me: I already said park somewhere else.

Brandi: It’s a leg

The Wife: It’s a heavy leg?

Me: Your first question isn’t Who’s leg?

3 laugh, my wife does not

To be continued……

 

About Samuel

44, married, dad of identical twin boys Heston & Alex, CEO of @sjcinvestinc, 6'6, Guitar playing Vegan, Catholic, Avid Reader, author of Almost Meri'ed & Almost Defame'ed. I also own gas stations, hotels, strip malls, and 16 construction companies in Nebraska, Kansas, South Dakota, Colorado, and Iowa that focus on highway/road and commercial building construction.
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