Last day in Colorado Springs

I’m leaving the Springs in the morning. I’ve had a good time here off and on. I was able to go home for a little while because I had to. I’m not ready to post about any of that but I can say I’m recovering….okay. I’m here. That’s the best answer I can share.

My pending divorce is taking a lot longer than I want. My soon to be ex and I barely communicate and she has gotten herself into some trouble. I’m trying to be kind even though I don’t understand her at all right now. I feel like I married a complete stranger and she has turned into something more vicious than I was aware of. My kids are adjusting the best they can but they still ask about her. Not as often. She has only seen them twice. That’s her choice. And at this point I want her to stay away from them. We are getting all paperwork in order to ensure I am the only legal, custodial, you can’t have them at all parent after all of this is over with. She has signed off on them. That breaks me apart. I also realize the giant headaches it is going to relieve me from in the coming years and lucky my boys are small enough they may not even remember any of this. I can hope at least.

My new plan is to focus on my new app, work hard on getting that launched the middle of next year, and hanging out with my kids. It’s time I start planning our summer. I had all kinds of things happening and it’s about dang time I get home and just be a dad for a while.

I feel kind of broken inside. Maybe a little lost. I’m healing but just not the way I wanted to. Life is what happens when you tell God your plans. He says no son, here you go Lol

Mike and I went out last night with 2 of his female neighbors. We went to see the new Jurassic World movie. It was pretty predictable but I liked it. I’ve seen them all now. It’s way too scary for my kids but for me it was good. I don’t really go see movies that often. I can’t sit still through them. Most movies or tv don’t hold my attention. Maybe it’s the million things I have to get done or I can’t seem to reward myself with 10 minutes of relaxation without doing 3 other things all at once. I’m trying to figure out a much better balance. All I know is staying up all night wasn’t doing it. Sleeping all day because of the intense depression wasn’t doing it either. I’m coming back to life. Slowly. The hurt doesn’t hurt quite as much anymore. I think a fun night out with that group helped a lot. Mike had a lot of fun and I think he’s finally made some new friends. They are much older than he is but that’s okay. I think living in the same building they can watch out for him.

My Cubs have been playing well. 42-34 so far this year. I can’t wait to hit a game or 12 when I get home. It’s about that time to load up the family and go to Wrigley. My other plans include going into the city 2 days a week to work on my app. I can do it from our headquarters. I think that might keep me focused. And I’m going to redo my entire bedroom when I get home. My nannies said they will help me out. Lindsay is back in Las Vegas and loving it. Sarah comes only on the weekends to help out. I think things are okay. I think we are all going to survive this.

Divorce sucks. It sucks even more with kids involved. I don’t know how to explain anything to them. I feel like a total failure but I also know that’s my own personal pity party that I need to snap out of.

I just read through a lot of great messages. Thanks guys. I miss you all too. I will be updating a ton of photos from Colorado Springs plus photos of my kids. Check out our Family Facebook page later this afternoon. I have maybe 120 photos to add. And 6 videos from Colorado Springs. Mike has been showing me all of the cool places. We did do a Facebook Live last night of the review of Jurassic World. The 2 ladies helped us out. That’s already on there in case you haven’t seen it.

I’m going to miss the mountains but I don’t belong here. I healed, I hurt, I healed some more. I’m ready to go home.

I pray you all are having a great summer. I look forward to getting home and blogging more. I have a lot more to say but not yet.

 

Rowboat Book Club Book #66

This month we are going to add a little humor to our book list. I picked Jeremy Clarkson’s For Crying Out Loud book.

The publication of “The World According to Clarkson” in 2004 launched a multi-million-copy bestselling phenomenon. But to no avail. Jeremy’s one-man war on crimes against common sense has not yet been won. And our hero’s still scratching his head at the madness of it all. But it’s not all bad. He’s learned a little along the way, including: why binge drinking is good for you; the worst word in the English language; the remarkable secret of eternal youth; the pleasure and pain of middle-aged drumming; the problem with America; and, how to dispose of a seal. For anyone who’s ever been driven to wonder just what is the matter with people these days, “For Crying Out Loud” is the perfect riposte. Surprising, fearless and always laugh-out-loud funny, Clarkson’s back. And he’s got a point…

Cooper Kids in Colorado Springs

My whole crew arrived last night. They hate the AinBnB house I rented Lol That doesn’t really surprise me. They are going to look at a different one with a better layout. With all of the people in the house it is a little cramped. We can’t really move around as a whole group. Oh well. I tried. I know they will find somewhere better that will fit all of our needs for the weekend. I’m so happy to see my babies! I gave everyone a million kisses and hugs. I held each one for about 10 or 15 minutes each and just told them how much I missed them and loved them. My neck is still painful but I tried to tough it out. It was so good to see the girls. Nothing has changed. Lindsay acts like she owns, runs, and bosses everyone. The 3 nannies roll their eyes and argue. I stand there trying to calm both sides down but laughing because their insults are both nasty and funny. I don’t even know what a “dark path ho” is but I think it’s bad. It sounds bad.

Everyone ate a snack of sandwiches and chips. Bath time was extra fun and so was storybook time and prayers. My boys wanted to be with me so I scooped them up and put them in my bed. We talked for a while and I got to find out they got new toys. I figured. Aunt Lindsay seems to think to fix a broken child’s heart you go shopping. It’s ridiculous. Whatever is at my house right now that’s excessive is getting donated. I asked her what it is and she said don’t look in the backyard so I’m thinking she went and bought the gigantic fort swingset that I said DO NOT GET THAT ONE. We will see.

Oh man I missed their little faces. I’m feeling better, happier, and more calm knowing they are all okay. It’s been a rough month or so and I just hope we can get through it.

We have zero plans other than a big cookout tonight. I’m putting out the whole spread. It’s going to be huge. I have a ton of prep work to do but I’m finishing up my grocery list. I have a ton of things to go get to make sure I have all the things I need. I’m just waiting to see what house they pick out.

It’s so beautiful here. Walking outside, it just feels good. I really like this part of the country. I have been to Apsen, Vail, and Breck a million times to snowboard and ski but this is the quiet part. I really like it here.

I hope everyone has a great day. This morning I finally caught up on all of your messages. Some great suggestions and I really appreciate all the support. Things will get better and thank you for the prayers. I love ya’ll! I will update you guys soon.

Is this fun yet?

I have been in Colorado Springs over a week now and it’s not as much fun as I thought. I’m limited to the things I can do or actually move around to do. My neck is getting there but geez already. I’m very impatient with this whole thing.

My attorney has finally sent me all of the paperwork from my pending divorce. We have to wait a certain amount of days to officially file it but my soon to be ex-wife has already signed everything. She has agreed to uphold our pre-nup with 2 changes. She wants  X and Y and that’s that. No problem. She wants no visitation of the kids. That’s the part that literally breaks my heart. She keeps telling her family she’s still very much in love with me and maybe we could have tried counselling but she feels how she feels about having a family life right now and isn’t ready for all that it is.

My attorney has suggested we file for an annulment under fraud but I refuse to do that. Her changing her heart about the kids in her life isn’t fraud. I don’t know what the heck it is, but I don’t think it’s a fraudulent act. We will divorce not annul. The steps we have to go through for the divorce are going to take a long time. That’s the hard part. I have never in my life wanted to be divorced. That’s why I waited so long to get married. It’s humiliating to end up divorced after all I’ve been through. I know it’s the right decision for me and my kids, it’s just not wanted.

She still hasn’t even attempted to see Talon. I have no idea what’s going through her life or mind right now. I know she’s in therapy. I know she’s trying very hard to stop contacting me since it does make things worse. I was told to keep all messages but don’t respond. It was harder to ignore the calls, emails, and texts but that’s getting easier now.

I do miss my wife. That’s being honest. She just turned into someone I don’t even recognize. I thought we had a great life. I thought she was very happy with the kids. I mean I take them on. She doesn’t have to. She had the interaction time she wanted. My nannies have always been the ones to help me, not her. None of this makes sense. I thought for a little while she might be cheating on me but that’s not the case as far as I know. I know I didn’t cheat. I’m not that guy. My vows were supposed to be life long.

Legally separated. It sucks. It’s getting better and I do have a very bright future ahead of me. Love is right there for me. I know all of this.

So now how do I tell all of my kids what happened to mommy? I have no idea how to handle this at all. Any suggestions?

I feel exactly like I sound

I don’t feel well. I have spent the better part of today getting poked at. It’s not fun. The good news is that after draining a golfball size disgusting thing from the side of my incision on my neck, I do feel non-feverish and well. I also do not need to have a 2nd procedure, unfortunately it took them all day to figure that all out. I can heal up, enjoy my next week in Colorado Springs, go to Comic-Con and finally return home.

The bad or sad news is my heart is completely broken. Things end up how they end up. The day just didn’t go at all as planned or even as I wanted. Lindsay was doing her best but  her constant nagging and interference into my personal life finally bit the bullet end of something I didn’t want to end, ever. It’s very upsetting. I’m also exhausted and finally hungry. I have some throat spray to help the pain before I try to eat something. I’m still on a liquid diet for the next few days. I can not wait to sink my teeth into some real food. I do have a variety of puree food here and I’m about to try out what could be a great new combo. I just want to feel something in my stomach again.

I’m missing out on a lot of fun. I used to have my nightly routine. Eat, get things cleaned up, get myself into my night clothes or lack there of (Mostly shirtless Sam) and get my game face on until bed time. It’s all gone. I have to figure out how to move forward from what became my norm.

Love is painful and beautiful and without words some times. Love to me has always meant trying until you just can’t. I love so deeply yet the words fail me. My actions are always bigger than my intentions because Go Big or Go Home, right? So how do you love something so much without quantifying it’s variants in a complicatedly, simple, relationship?

I love someone. I love someone very much. And I don’t know that she knows just how much.

So much so I’m mentioning it here and I don’t think she understands the ramifications I’m going to deal with. I don’t care. The truth is I’m in love. I don’t want things to end. They already did without me even knowing. Thank you F-Bomb LINDSAY for that.

My kids are doing great. They passed around some sort of summer bug to everyone but my big boy. I have no idea how he didn’t catch it. They are all home and doing well. I FaceTime them a few times a day. I miss their little faces and baby kisses. I hope to see them this coming weekend. That’s a solid plan. I want to show them these mountains. I want to show them what our life could have been if I had only had 1 real chance. I’m so happy to be here and it’s so hard to stay.

Love is hard, guys. I want someone that doesn’t want me anymore.