I don’t feel well. I have spent the better part of today getting poked at. It’s not fun. The good news is that after draining a golfball size disgusting thing from the side of my incision on my neck, I do feel non-feverish and well. I also do not need to have a 2nd procedure, unfortunately it took them all day to figure that all out. I can heal up, enjoy my next week in Colorado Springs, go to Comic-Con and finally return home.

The bad or sad news is my heart is completely broken. Things end up how they end up. The day just didn’t go at all as planned or even as I wanted. Lindsay was doing her best but  her constant nagging and interference into my personal life finally bit the bullet end of something I didn’t want to end, ever. It’s very upsetting. I’m also exhausted and finally hungry. I have some throat spray to help the pain before I try to eat something. I’m still on a liquid diet for the next few days. I can not wait to sink my teeth into some real food. I do have a variety of puree food here and I’m about to try out what could be a great new combo. I just want to feel something in my stomach again.

I’m missing out on a lot of fun. I used to have my nightly routine. Eat, get things cleaned up, get myself into my night clothes or lack there of (Mostly shirtless Sam) and get my game face on until bed time. It’s all gone. I have to figure out how to move forward from what became my norm.

Love is painful and beautiful and without words some times. Love to me has always meant trying until you just can’t. I love so deeply yet the words fail me. My actions are always bigger than my intentions because Go Big or Go Home, right? So how do you love something so much without quantifying it’s variants in a complicatedly, simple, relationship?

I love someone. I love someone very much. And I don’t know that she knows just how much.

So much so I’m mentioning it here and I don’t think she understands the ramifications I’m going to deal with. I don’t care. The truth is I’m in love. I don’t want things to end. They already did without me even knowing. Thank you F-Bomb LINDSAY for that.

My kids are doing great. They passed around some sort of summer bug to everyone but my big boy. I have no idea how he didn’t catch it. They are all home and doing well. I FaceTime them a few times a day. I miss their little faces and baby kisses. I hope to see them this coming weekend. That’s a solid plan. I want to show them these mountains. I want to show them what our life could have been if I had only had 1 real chance. I’m so happy to be here and it’s so hard to stay.

Love is hard, guys. I want someone that doesn’t want me anymore.

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