Season 7 Ep 4

In my darkest spot last year when I knew that something was wrong but I didn’t know what and I didn’t know how to get out of it the thing that I felt like that really anchored me was the kids. Didn’t matter how crappy I felt like my relationship was with Kody at the time. It didn’t matter how big of a wall I was putting up with my sister wives it was the kids that I was looking at and holding on to.
She admits her relationship with Kody is crap.

It’s always been the kids. It always will be.

This is a huge mistake. When you put everything into kids and they eventually leave you have nothing left to stay for. And that’s why a lot of couples wait until the last kid goes off to college then they get a divorce. Because if you don’t take care of the spouse relationship you will find yourself alone at the end of the raising of kids. And that’s where she is at. That’s where I found her. Feeling unwanted and unloved and completely abandoned by her husband.
Now that the oldest group of kids are gone Meri has realized she really hasn’t bonded so well with the younger kids. She tries but it’s not at all the same. So she feels awkward and has no idea why she is staying around there. The kids no longer need her like they did before.

In the past year it got even worse. As I went through the whole process of like being an empty nester, I don’t know it really just kind of got to be this really confusing time of like where was my place and in doing that I pulled myself away. It left me very vulnerable and wide open to be targeted. I ended up talking to people online and creating friendships that way.
One of the friendships that I thought was a friendship ended up really bad. So this person I will refer to as a he because at the time I thought that it was a male. What’s it going to hurt? I have a friend that I can just talk to. I finally talked to my family and I told them what was really going on and they I think were completely blown away. That’s why I just wanted to hide under a rock. I just wanted to go away I wanted the situation to go away.
Here we are not seeing her story change for the 4th time. Now I was only a friendship Lol I have over 320 total voicemail proving this was not just a friendship. As well as photos and text messages backing that up. She is lying. And now she is defining me as male. Again another flip in her story. Why would she do that? Because she is confused. At this point in time while they filmed this her new friends the trolls got caught lying and she cut some of them off. She is started to realize all of the bullshit information the trolls fed her was lies. And she’s not really sure anymore. She is starting to realize the trolls are not her friends, just like Kendra warned her for months.
If she really wanted the situation to go away why did she and her friends go to the tabloids and sell stories about claiming I was a catfish? She did that. In response and to defend myself I posted all of this on this blog. I am not a liar, I am not fake, I am male, I am real, and this is my real name. Everything about my life is true. And she has listened to fake people, the trolls for months at this point. Who have lied, and fed her more lies in order to gain a friendship with her. She was started to realize how badly they have screwed her over.

Before I even started talking to this person I felt like I was in a place where I needed to heal my relationships and then I got into that situation and I need to heal them even more. I need to figure out.
I broke trust with a lot of people.  (Bites her bottom lip) Just because I handled things so poorly. And now I need to heal my relationships and try to build that trust back.
How did she break trust if she was just a victim of as she claims a catfish? She claims she was targeted so that means it was not her fault at all? And didn’t her husband say at the last tell all that she was not at fault. He completely forgives her because it was only talking? Interesting how all of a sudden she has broken trust with people. To me this means that the family is now aware of my blog and the things on my blog and not in front of the camera they have made Meri away of what they have now seen. Which explains why Mariah, Robyn, and Kody are all pissed at her.

I feel like I need to tread just a little bit lightly with Mariah right now. There’s kind of a little bit of a distance between us. Mariah is still pretty upset about last summer. It was a bad situation and Mariah is very upset with me about that. I understand why Mariah’s upset. I do. And I really want to be able to just spend some time and explain to her everything that happened. Mariah really loves Solomon and with this little bit of a distance I think if he was there with me it might be a little bit less awkward between Mariah and I.
Again why would Mariah be pissed at her? Mariah and I talked. Mariah, Meri, and I used to talk on the phone. Mariah was around at the Disney trip, she was also around for the second Disney trip, but not the one with just Meri and Lindsay. Meri and I once again met up at Disney and she took Mariah and Garrison with her on that one. If Meri is claiming she was catfished, and she is a victim, why on Earth would her daughter be pissed? It’s because Mariah talked to me. And she learned a lot of things that went on while she was literally living in the same house.

I miss Mariah. I miss having her home. You know she’s just so angry and I get it. I understand I just, I hope that she will take the time and listen to me you know. I hope that she’ll want to talk to me.
Mariah needs time and things will heal. She loves her mom very much. She’s just tired of her moms lies.
I know Mariah is upset. I’m sure she feels like that I betrayed her and the family somehow I just don’t think that she understands everything that happened and why it happened. And that’s the big thing that I really want to get through to her. What I want is to be on a level of trust with her so that she will listen to me and know my part of the story because that’s the part that counts.
She understands and she has seen proof Lol She asked me a bunch of questions and each time I would direct her on my blog where to find the answer. In her mom’s own words.

You know I don’t want to do or say anything that will upset her. I just want to tread lightly and make it a fun weekend.
Mariah: Yeah my mom and I aren’t on super great terms right now, but it’s something that I’m kind of working on with myself to talk to her I guess.
Yeah I know she wants to talk she’s expressed to me yeah I hope some time we can talk about this.

They will talk about this and Mariah will call her out on what she saw and heard. Mariah told me she was going to play the voicemails and ask her mom about all of them. That’s why she’s so upset.
It’s not something I really want to talk about. Um I’m not at a place yet where I feel comfortable even talking to her.

Meri: 5 or so years later all the kids are growing up, Mariah has moved out I have a hard time seeing what importance I am like what kind of influence I am on some of my family.

Interesting she only means the oldest 6. Those are the ones she was closest to. They still have 12 kids at home yet she is saying this? This shows that she really doesn’t interact or help raise the younger kids like she did the other ones. She told me several times that’s why she wanted to leave because now that they live in these separate homes she isn’t an integral party anymore. We talked about having kids together and she said she would love to be the only mom to our kids. It would be different but she really wanted that experience in her life and she wants more kids.

Mariah: She’s struggling to find her place in the family she feels like I’m that only place and so with our relationship being as strained as it is right now I wonder if she feels like well I guess I’m really not part of this family, you know.
I don’t think my mom and I have had a decent conversation in probably about a year.
I do want a relationship with her and I want us to get to a place where I can trust her and feel comfortable with her again. But it has to be on my terms. I know saying this and thinking it I know it hurts her. I know my actions and responses right now are hurting her but it’s like I can’t handle it.

Mariah is hurt and feels like Meri cheated on her dad. That’s always upsetting to the kids. I think now after all of this Meri is thinking how bad of an idea it was to have Elisa Furr and all her trolls friends sell stories to the tabloids about me. She never expected me to post all of the proof and to prove we had a real affair. No one did. But I’m not going to stand here and let her go on international tv and try to ruin me. I will always defend myself. Because that’s what she’s doing. I have only responded to all of the things she has lied to the media about. I took all of her stories in the press and blogs for 6 weeks before I said a word. There came a point where I wanted to set my side of the story out there. And I don’t regret it at all. I’m sorry for any hurt it caused anyone but I’m not lying. I have proof. She offers nothing at all. Just stories with no evidence to back up anything she says. And her family can not say anything because they were aware it was an affair we were in until after we had already broken up.
I have been avoiding conversation, deep conversation with my mom for quite some time now. And her saying let’s go take a walk with just the two of us where I have you alone and we’re going to talk I guess I don’t want to really have that conversation.

Meri: Earlier this year I thought that I was making friends with somebody online who turned out to be a very deceitful woman. And Mariah is still very upset about that situation. And the way that I handled the situation because I knew that it was a dangerous situation and I was very fearful and the way that I handled it was not wise.
Again now we’ve pushed me into a friendship Lol Come on that’s ridiculous. Friends don’t send bathtub pictures or photos of a banana in their mouth and texts talking about sucking my dick. None of my friends do that kind of thing. They also don’t talk about how in love they are with me. I am male. I am not deceitful. I am telling my story, just like she is trying to do.
I think that’s why she’s mad at me. I do. I think that’s why she’s upset. And I think it caused Mariah to lose trust and faith in me. I lost that trust with her and I want to get it back.
She is mad because she feels that Meri cheated. Until Meri tells the real truth Mariah will not talk to her or even listen to it. She told me that. She said her mom avoids telling the full truth until you really hold your ground with her and she breaks down. She said she’s grown up with that and she’s sick of it, she wants her mom to grow up.

Mariah: My mom and I haven’t had a good conversation in forever.
So I know that mom really wants to talk to me about our situation from last summer and I don’t really even know how to respond to her about that right now.
Meri: I just kind of wanted to, I don’t know come see you and come hang out and see how you were and see how we were and see what’s going on with us and what you want to do about it and if you even wanted to talk about anything.
Mariah: I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m like ready to talk about it.
I feel really selfish. Because I just don’t care.
She cares a lot she just can’t stomach asking her mom about me yet.

Because I feel like this whole thing she did it to me. I know she’s wanting sympathy from me. She broke my trust.  
Meri: I’m up here in Utah visiting Mariah and we have decided to go out on a walk. I’m hoping that we can use this time to just kind of talk about some of the things that are going on.
Mariah: I’m not ready. I’m not ready for any of it and she just thinks she can apologize and everything is hunky dory again and it’s not.
Meri: Is there anything that can be done to get you get ready to talk about it?
Mariah: I don’t know. I think it’s just a matter of like me I don’t know. Like I guess making that decision.
Meri: What can I do to help you with that?
Mariah: I don’t really think it’s a you thing I think it’s like I need to figure it out.
When she had a relationship that from the very beginning I told her not to have and she broke my trust and she ruined that. She ruined our relationship and she wants me to fix it.
Even Mariah calls what we had a relationship. Not a friendship.

I don’t know we just have to wait I guess.
I don’t care that that relationship wasn’t real and it wasn’t physical and that it was a lie. It doesn’t change the fact that she still had that relationship. It doesn’t change the fact that she totally disregarded me and my feelings through the whole thing.

Again Mariah is going with what she is reading in the tabloids and what she is being told by all the adults in the family. She is trying to figure things out because all of my proof she said doesn’t add up to what her family has told her about this. She said her family won’t admit they have seen or heard the things on my blog. She said she knows they have. She said she knows her dad and she knows he was probably the first one on the blog because he wants to know things. He doesn’t look and tell. He looks and never says anything to anybody. Because he doesn’t want to upset anyone. She said he’s smarter than people give him credit and she hasn’t talked to him in depth yet about what he has seen or heard yet. Mariah has seen proof of Meri and I being together. I sent her photos of us. She started crying and saying No when she saw them. It was very hard. I asked her 3 times before I sent them are you sure you want to do this. She said she needs to know. She can’t leave this like it is.

I didn’t do anything wrong in this. I didn’t do anything wrong this is not my fault that this happened and she’s trying to get me to fix it she’s trying to get me to be the one to forgive her and I don’t forgive her at least not yet.
Meri: I’ll just keep being here.
Mariah: I know. Its just a lot of stuff I have to work through by myself kind of thing right now you know.
Meri: Is it?
Mariah: Before I can talk to you about it. yeah. And that’s probably not what you want to hear but it’s just like where I am.
Meri: I, okay. I would just say just because of my personality let’s just talk about it and just get the stuff out in the open I mean even if it’s just like you know you just feel I don’t know frustrated with me as a mom. I don’t even know what your emotions are really with me except for  I’ve just have felt a lot of anger and stuff from you.
When Meri is upset and wants to talk she comes right at you. I am someone who needs to cool off for 5 or 10 minutes. Then I’m ready. I don’t like confrontation at all. Meri wants to deal with things right now. That’s why when her and I were getting ornery with each other I would tell her I need to hang up and call back. She would start hounding me until I did call back, not giving me that 10 minutes to process stuff.

Mariah: I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk about it without getting really upset and I feel like I need to get to a place where I can talk about it calmly and a healthy way before I can talk about and I’m just not there yet.
Meri: Yeah that makes sense.
Would you be interested in setting up an appointment with Nancy next time you come down?
Mariah: Not yet.
I definitely would see Nancy by myself. I know I’m still not ready to talk to her. Whether by ourselves or with Nancy.
Mariah: I’m sorry. That’s really not what you wanted to hear but I know I have a lot of anger. And I need to work on that, first.
Meri: You know with everything that I dealt with last year that whole situation I handled so wrong.
Mariah was home when a lot of this was going on. I thought that I was protecting my family. I thought I was protecting Mariah.  I think that she thought that I was planning on running away with a guy. I was never going to run off with another guy. But there was enough question in Mariah’s mind I think that, I think that that’s what she thought.
Mariah was home and then she moved back home for the summer and she heard us talking a lot. She would join in on some of our talks too. Mariah told me she heard us having phonesex a few times and she didn’t know what to think about it. She wasn’t sure what was going on until after I told her that’s one of the things we were doing together. She said I know I heard it. That was embarrassing.

I’m hopeful that she will really continue trying to figure things out. I’m cautious because I’m feeling insecure about it and I’m scared.
Sometimes I just get scared that she’s just going to be so angry with me it will just hold on for a really long time. And I don’t want that to happen.
She just needs time because she’s hurting.

Mariah: I do feel bad about her situation. She went through a lot of shit this summer she put me through a lot of shit this summer and I haven’t forgiven her for it and so I think on top of everything that happened not forgiving her for that is hard. I can understand that. But she has put me in a place where I can’t talk to her. But it doesn’t change the fact that I love her.
They will be okay. They do love each other very very much. Meri is an amazing mom. Mariah knows that.

190th Voicemail – July 4th, 2015

190th Voicemail 7-4-2015 3:11pm

Baby, my baby. Give me a call when you can. Love you, bye.

Meri and Robyn had went to see the movie Age of Adeline in the theater a few weeks before this. She said she wanted to watch it again. I had never seen it. I found the link online, sent it to her and we watched it while I was working on emails from my house. It was a great movie. It’s full of historical references. I’m a history nerd. Love those kinds of films.

On the 4th of July the entire family went up to St George, Utah where Robyn is from to enjoy the festivities. Meri told me that they chose to go there because Kody and Robyn like their 4th of July events there. Everyone went, except Meri. She wanted to stay home to be with me. These are the photos I have. 20150704_144412 20150704_144442 20150704_144511It’s the back of Meri’s house and showing the yard.


Img_0258 IMG_2250 IMG_2251 IMG_2252 IMG_2253 IMG_2254 IMG_2255 IMG_2256





124th Voicemail 125th Voicemail 126th Voicemail – June 4th, 2015

Insert Kendra into my life. The story goes like this according to my side. Kendra had been in town and staying at Robyn’s house. Kendra and Robyn were best friends for several years. Kendra was working, being paid, and on staff with the Brown family working on Tshirt Designs and helping with My Sister Wives Closet. They do have great items so I hope everyone goes over there and buys stuff from their story. Meri is actually the person that ships out the items so you will receive a little thank you note from her if you didn’t know that.

Kendra has a Facebook group with thousands of people in it. They discuss polygamy as well as the tv show. At the time Meri and I were so open on Twitter talking to each other rumors had already began. People kept asking me if we were dating. If I was Meri’s boyfriend. We both laughed it off and never answered. A lot of people were posting in Kendra’s group about me, asking her who I was. So she started looking around. She and Robyn sat down together one night and looked at all of the rumors online together. That’s the first time Robyn knew that Meri and I had been talking a lot more than she was aware. By June, all of the Browns knew my name because Meri was talking about me to them and telling them the funny stories or things we were talking about. Even Kody.

One of the days that Kendra was there she asked to talk to Meri and she warned her there are a lot of rumors going on. I have posted the text messages on my blog between Meri and Kendra because Meri gave them to me so I could see what Kendra was saying about us. Kendra talked to Meri about all of this and she was interviewed. Her version of what happened in also on my blog. I posted that a few weeks ago so everyone could hear how Meri was reacting to Kendra talking about us together. Meri lied to Kendra and Robyn and kept telling them we were just friends. She did not tell them we were having an affair. She said we were just friends and had never met. She did not want to admit we had met in person because Robyn would go tell Kody about it. Meri was protecting us.

What happened is Kendra went into the group and started to really ask questions about me, digging for info. And I got wind of it. So I told Lindsay go fix this. Lindsay and Kendra got ahold of each other’s phone numbers and they started a war. A screaming on the phone calling each other so many bad names I lost count. There were several times I had to physically take Lindsay’s phone away from her because she was holding it out and screaming into it like a lunatic Lol It was very entertaining because when Lindsay gets mad her accent gets really thick. She is Australian if anyone doesn’t know that by now. And Kendra was doing the exact same. Kendra would not leave Lindsay alone because Kendra figured out Lindsay was my best friend. For months they fought and fought. Not everyday but it was weekly.

Here is where the real threats were at. Lindsay threatened to hack into Kendra’s emails, phones, Facebook and Facebook groups if she did not erase and deleted any mention of my name on her group and Facebook page. And she did just that. She sent Kendra her home address and told her I know more than you realize and then she started getting into her emails and telling her what was in there. Kendra got scared and deleted every word of my name. We really thought that was the end of it. But no. Kendra was pissed. And she had every right to be. She was getting sucked into this because she was protecting Robyn, Meri, and the family. Lindsay was protecting me and all of our business stuff because rumors like this could really hurt all the things we had money into. Lindsay told me to stop. She told me stop talking to Meri, stop going on Twitter and talking to her. Just stop because this was looking really bad. I did not realize at the time how many people were talking about me and Meri.

There were several people wishing us well. They wanted Meri gone. She was receiving a lot of messages telling her to leave Kody that she deserved better. And she does. That’s how Kendra came into my life. Kendra and I are friends now. I even dedicated my book to her because she completely switched sides and began defending me when I showed her enough proof that the affair was real, that I was real and we set up a time to meet in person to talk about all of this. Lindsay, me, and Kendra were going to meet up in Kendra’s town someday to talk this out because we really needed Kendra to help us out.

This was not a fun day. I was really pissed off at Meri for inviting Kendra over to her house. I didn’t understand why she would do that. Meri didn’t realize all of the things Kendra had posted in the group. She was not aware of how bad this was getting for both of us.

This was also the first lie I caught Meri in. She told me Robyn gave Kendra her cellphone number. She told me she doesn’t really know Kendra that she is friends with Robyn and Kody and she was just someone she sort of knew. That was a lie. Meri knew who Kendra was and was even working with them on the tshirt designs and other things Kendra was helping them with. Meri did not tell me that Kendra was under contract with them and had been a part of things with the whole family for 5 years. She lied, I found out, and I was pissed. It was really bad. To me Kendra was a threat. She wanted to figure out what was going on and she would not leave Lindsay alone about it. Lindsay said nothing to her other than a bunch of bad words and telling her to go away Lol They never calmed down and started talking calmly to each other for 3 months. Every single phone call was them screaming at each other at the top of their lungs.

This is when the affair became an internet rumor.

124th Voicemail 6-4-2015 12:58am

So that you can kind of slap out of it so that you realize that you are kind of, that you are being kind of ornery or whatever so you can calm down. And I know you are reactionary I understand that and I know you don’t think that I am taking responsibility. I’m not quite sure what the responsibility is I’m telling you everything that I know about Kendra. I don’t even know exactly what is going on. Why, like I don’t, I mean, I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be telling you about her. I mean I told you everything I know which is not anything. I didn’t know that I was supposed to tell you a contact in my phone. Like she was given my phone number. I didn’t give her my phone number. I’m so frustrated that you are so mad at me because I don’t think that you should be as mad at me as you are. I understand some frustration. I get it. I don’t know. I don’t even know what is going on here. You know this is, this whole weird situation with her and this whole thing. And I, I just don’t even get it and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with you because now you are saying you are want a break for a few days and do I push you or do I just sit back and let you take a break. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do here. I am so confused. I want to push you. I want to yell at you and I want to tell you, you know what knock it off quit being stupid. I mean I get us being frustrated and angry but I don’t know how many times I need to tell you we’re on the same side. So quit separating from me. Quit separating from this. Just knock it off. Be frustrated for me, at me for not telling you all of the information but I don’t know what information I’m supposed to tell you.

125th Voicemail 6-4-2015 6:01am

Hey are you really not talking to me still? Will you please call me? Okay.

126th Voicemail 6-4-2015 6:07am

Will you please just call me and just talk to me okay? I see that you are posting things on twitter so that I will see what is going on with you. And I understand that. I just need you to talk to me quit avoiding me, okay? Call me.

81st Voicemail – May 4th, 2015

By this time we were still struggling a little but neither of us could stay mad for even a few hours. It was too much love to ignore. She would always talk her way back into my heart and then we would be fine. I drop things very easily. And I let it go. I loved her. I loved her so much nothing else mattered to me. Just her and her being happy in our relationship.

81st Voicemail 5-4-2015 11:27am

Hey just checking in on you seeing how you are doing. Give me a call when you have a minute okay? Hope you are having a good day, okay.