Season 7 Ep 5

Meri: Because I hate it when she shuts down. And she hates it when I’m direct. So what do we do?
Meri just said she is direct. Remember that for later on in this one.
I had been talking to this guy, you know we were becoming friends and we were laughing and he was saying all the right things to make me trust him. Make me think that he was this real person that really cared.
Again she starts out I am a guy which is the truth. She keeps it at the friendship level again. Which is not true. We were in a relationship and having an affair.
Kody: Meri and I are very slowly trying to reconcile where we are at. Her relationship seems cordial and even amiable with the rest of the family. Her and I are kind of  trying to warm up a relationship that has gone kind of cold. We were kind of woke up by this whole catfish experience. It’s made us sort of have to take stock and go alright what do we do? Because we don’t know.
Meri: Kody and I are working on figuring things out. You know we are just kind of relearning how to communicate in a safer way with each other.
Safer way meaning Kody is not going to yell at her ever again? Or demoralize her by threatening her with God and what God will do to her if she doesn’t obey? He’s going to be safer in his words with her as in he’s no longer going to throw Robyn in her face anymore and tell her that Robyn hasn’t been around for years and she hasn’t experienced somethings with the family yet so that’s why they go places Robyn hasn’t been to before and he lets Robyn dictate plans and how to organize stuff now? I hope so but I know it will slip right back into how it’s always been for her. I’m glad she’s leaving him.
Kody: We consult with our marriage counselor, Nancy. And we have safe conversations with each other and we try to keep it simple and happy. We’re just trying to wade through a situation that is unknown to us.
Why aren’t they filming any of that? That’s what people want to see. Those 2 working on their relationship and having real talks. This is a reality show and they chose to put all of their stuff out there. Why are they only filming therapy with Janelle? Those two can work it out. Very odd the only storyline that has interest left on it and they won’t film it or show it. Kind of telling. It’s always the things that you don’t see on tv or they won’t say on tv that says the loudest stories with this family. I told that to Meri once and she got really pissed off at first. Then a few hours later she said she didn’t realize people were picking up on that. I said your fans are not stupid Lol
Robyn: I know that Meri and Kody have had a rough time the last few years and I just constantly pray that the two of them will just figure some stuff out. There relationship being strong is the best thing for the whole family. And we want them to be happy.
It has been years. Their marriage was bad way before I came around.
Janelle: I agree I think we all feel pretty supportive. The repercussions of a relationship completely falling apart in our world would be, I think it would be more devastation than I think we could understand.
And that’s why she stayed. She had signed a contract with the show. If she removed herself from them the show might be cancelled and all of their money goes away. She said they have saved some back but have not been able to find supplemental income and knows when the show goes they will not be able to afford the houses and all the bills as well as help the kids with college and weddings. She said they know the show is coming to an end soon but they are doing all they can to make sure it stays interesting.
I believe I helped out with that one Lol Before I came around there were no tabloids writing stories about them at all. Since I’ve been around they have been on 12 covers and had over 250 stories printed or blogged online about them.
On my side, myself and Lindsay has never sold a story to any tabloid at all. I have done an interview with NBC months ago and I have done a Fox News interview. I also took part in some discovery interviews with Discovery Channel. As well as the Lifetime Movie production people. Both televised and now found on their news websites as well as Youtube. Lindsay won’t talk to reporters. She talked to Jessica Finn one time at InTouch Weekly on Twitter DM and she told her she hates “f-word” reporters and only gave the information Kendra had and Lindsay confirmed it was true. I have been contacted by reporters weekly and don’t talk to them. I have this blog and I prefer to control what I say here. That way I can say all I want to say without it getting edited down to 2 lines out of context. Tabloids make shit up. They have made up a lot of lies about the Brown family, about Meri, and a lot about me. When you buy those magazines you support the lies. It’s not all true or factual and it’s completely takes things out of context. That’s why I don’t talk to reporters.
Meri: It’s important to me right now that they know there’s still 23 trees, there’s still 23 of us. Nobody is going anywhere.
Meri is leaving.
Kody: Meri does this a lot where she sort of asks us to come over and we don’t know what it’s about. She called me and Robyn over once and said hey I want to get a divorce. When we were in Alaska we were having dinner and she’s like Listen I need to get out. So she’s calling us over to the house. I don’t know what to expect.
Meri: So in light of I guess all of your encouragement for me to figure out my place and who I am and what I want to do and what I want to be.
Christine: That one looks very much like where their relationship is I feel like. There are parts of the painting that are hard and they’re dark and when I look at the painting I think she is so brave to put on canvas how she really feels like their relationship is.
Christine nailed that. They path is divided. She put her, Kody, and Mariah on one side and the rest of the family on the other side. Paintings can be interpreted however your perception level is at. But I think any psychologist will take one look at that painting and ask her how long has she felt shoved to the side and away from her family. It’s obvious to me at least.
Meri: With all the drama of the past little while of me trying to figure out who I am I just want you to know that I’m still here and there’s still 23 of us and I’m not going anywhere.
Robyn: It was big to me because I did sit there and wonder and worry that Meri was going to leave us.
I believe that. I’m sure Robyn was freaking out because Robyn has been put in the place where Meri used to be by Kody. A lot is on Robyn’s shoulders and without Meri there to organize, handle, and get things actually done, Robyn is completely screwed. Especially when it comes to Robyn’s jewelry business. Meri has all of the stuff at her house in her office. She does the orders and sends them out. She even writes a little note to each person. And she also handles all of the letters they get for fan mail. Meri is the one that reads those. She showed me a mail container half full with fan mail from all over the world.

She is committing and saying hey I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.
Kody: I’m still in the process of shifting from anxiety to appreciation. I’m in the middle of that. Right here right now. Give me a day or two for it to really sink in.
He has no emotional attachment to anything. He can’t give her a hug and say these are beautiful thank you so much I love them? He is a blank slate. It’s bizarre.
Meri: I wanted to try to reach Mariah through these paintings. She and I have struggled especially this past year. And I think I’ve let her down. I went through a dark place and I didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t know where my head was and I didn’t even know who I was. And I’m trying to figure that out. Still. But I know what I want. And I know I want to be here. No matter if things are hard and crazy and we have issues and we have to work really hard on relationships sometimes. I want her to know that I want to be in this family.
I believe this is the only reason she painted these. She wanted Mariah to see her do something for the family to symbolize she is staying. Mariah could care less she was texting the whole time and holding the baby. Mariah is not ready. So this fell on deaf ears. It also shows Meri trying to manipulate Mariah’s emotions. Something Mariah said she’s good at.
Meri: (In 2010) I don’t even know that I want to stay sometimes. The only thing that even wants me to stay is my committment level and my daughter.
Meri said this in 2010. Which lines up with everything she told me about her marriage since Robyn came into the picture. She told me that everyone thinks and feels that Robyn is the favorite. When I asked her why she said they have an easier relationship. I said there’s more to it. Then I found out Robyn takes selfies of her in lingerie and sends them to Kody. Or she shows them to him when he’s come over. I told Meri she uses her body to control him. She uses sex to get her way and to get him to treat her better. Meri didn’t think so but I told her I believe that’s who Robyn really is at the core. She is very sweet and kind. She has been a great friend to Meri but she manipulates Kody and he’s too stupid to realize it. I think now after seeing the 2nd pregnancy together she is starting to realize Kody is not that great anymore. She is seeing how bad he has hurt Meri and she’s starting to realize that’s going to be her someday. Especially when he takes in the new wife once Meri leaves. Kody is only happy with the women when they are popping out his kids.
The interesting thing is he doesn’t really do much of the kid raising. He pitches in but none of those kids has ever had their father around every single day. I have gone a week without my kids and I was miserable. I need them everyday. I love them way too much to go sit next door at someone’s house and not be with them all. I couldn’t do that. I don’t understand why anyone would choose that lifestyle and have that many kids without all living in one house. It hurts the kids emotional growth and it hurts the other wives who now take on the entire role of raising so many kids by themselves. It’s unfair, not healthy, and it’s just bizarre. Kody’s reasoning is he believes this allows HIM a closer spot in Heaven to God Lol It doesn’t allow his wives in kids on that same level. He believes it’s a higher celestial level than you or I. He believes that if he has at least 3 wives with multiple kids that God is going to glorify him in the afterlife. He also believes that someone from another planet came down to Earth and told his ancestors that polygamy is directly from God and should be practiced Lol So there’s that. I wonder what planet that was? I asked the AUB people the one time I went into their Church for service and they told me to get out Lol We were having a great conversation until I asked that question. I just wanted to know so I could Google that planet and see what other doctrines have been churned out, sent on a spaceship and landed directly at the feet of a polygamist cult leader. Funny how that is the story that’s in the documents I have read about polygamy. It also says women shall be destroyed if they do not allow their husbands to have another wife. That’s an actual verbatim quote in the books that Kody and the AUB practice from. Destroyed. I asked Meri about that, she asked to see it which I found ironic. I sent it to her and she got really upset. She said the current AUB leadership was way off from her own personal beliefs and that she has struggled to continue to believe with all of her Faith in that Church. I said so when he takes in the 5th wife you will be destroyed if you don’t allow it? And she said I guess so and we both laughed.
I know that even in some of my darkest times you know when I’ve thought about, because Kody has always said, we have always said that none of us have to be here. We are not stuck here. If we want to leave and in some of my dark times when I’ve been like this is just frustrating and I’m not happy and I don’t want to be here. When I really think about it, well I don’t want to be anywhere else either, I wouldn’t ever want to be away from all of you guys. I wouldn’t want to be away from the kids. I just wouldn’t want to do that.
For the second time in 5 years she admits she wanted to leave. She is leaving.
Meri: Kody and I and I think he would agree to this that we set each other off with really silly little things.
This is what it was all about. It’s all about the kids. Nothing was about me and a legal marriage or legal divorce it’s about the kids and that’s what my focus has always been on.
When you put all of your time and life into kids you will feel really empty when they no longer need you as much as they did. That’s where she’s at. The kids live in different houses. She isn’t as involved as she was before and she has a lot of free time now. She doesn’t know what to do with herself.
Meri: There is no way that I would put myself in the line of fire with Kody.
Because he is abusive. He yells at her. She’s scared of him when he’s angry. Proving again that he does threaten her.
Kody: That’s really smart Meri.
And he agrees with her. He controls her with his anger and how he yells at her.
Meri: I know that he would handle that much better with Christine so I’m like yeah, Christine said.
She lies to get out of stuff or lies to make sure Kody does not get mad at her. What she doesn’t realize is she is lying and not saying what she wants and needs. She’s covering her truth up with lies in order to keep Kody happy. That’s not a marriage. That’s giving your power and life away to someone that doesn’t respect or value you. At all.
Kody: That was smart.
What a douchebag. This is why he has 4 unhappy marriages.
I’ve always said on a philosophical level if you are close plural family you should never experience lonliness.
Yet many of them do. Robyn admits she’s lonely for female companionship. Meri was lonely for all kinds of reasons. That’s why she continued to talk to me so much. Also why our affair lasted 6 months. Kody lives in his own little world. He really isn’t aware of what goes on in any house. He gets the highlites of the day not the hard work of how to raise kids. How many times have we see him sit on his ass at someone’s house and not playing or interacting with kids? How much homework do these kids need help with? How many school projects must they have going on? How about sports and other activities? I have twins and I have no time to watch tv, no time to read a book or magazine. I am constantly busy with my kids. They get all of my free time, they get all that I have. What does he really offer them? He’s there. But he’s doing what he wants to do. He takes them out for fun stuff. Not sit them down and talk to them about what’s really going on in their lives. Now there are 2 daughters in serious relationships and neither one of them told their parents until it was time to talk about engagements. Why is that? I thought they were really close?
Kody: Meri and I are still struggling. In the past we had just gotten so bad that it just got, it wasn’t pretty. We’ve had the wake up call. And so each step I take in this relationship with Meri is at this point very calculated, very careful so we don’t go back to these places we’ve been before.
I think because we are somewhat cool, distant from each other it will take time to warm to where it’s flowing and it’s natural. It’s just not comfortable right now.
It’s not going to get back to what it used to be. Meri is in love with me.
Meri: I felt like Kody was a little bit nervous, he was not very relaxed in talking to me. I mean it  could just be the relationship we have right now. It could be the situation of where we are.
Kody: Meri and I were really struggling last year. We really had a major struggle. But during that struggle as she was doing kind of this hobby with painting I kept saying to her you really need to personalize this you need to do this. You need to pursue this. This will bless you. I’m hoping that this is symbolic that this is her finding her passion and that she moves forward with this passion and find some real joy in it for herself and for the fact that she can share it with others.
Caused by Kody not paying attention to her, showing her the love she has both earned and deserves and because she fell in love with me.
Meri: I wanted to do these paintings just kind of as a visual reminder to be like look that’s representative of our family of our whole family. And even though we have a lot of stuff to work through. We’re here. I’m here. We’re going to figure it out. You know it might take a lot of time and the only way to work through it is if you are here.
She’s leaving.
Kody: I’d like to find in our relationship the same kind of optimism that I have in most of my life. And sadly right now we haven’t found that I don’t think. And so it’s a process that to be fair to our history and to each other we need to allow time to pass to let some of this antigonism and pain and experience we’ve had with each other sort of wash away. And so we can move forward and find a warm place, am amiable place of kindness with each other. So it’s a process and it’s slow. It seems like we’re just being courteous to each other. And you know what. I’ll take that. That’s where we’re going to start.
They don’t even have optimism. Because Kody knows she cheated, Meri refuses to admit it and she is still in love with me. I’m glad she’s leaving.
Meri: Since we’ve been here in Hawaii Mariah seems to be a little bit standoffish with me.
Kody: Yeah nobody asked my permission about this, everybody piss off.
Lol What a douchebag.
Janelle: I think his choice of words are hilarious because I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say that word before. That’s a new phrase for him.
Christine: That is not a new phrase for him.
See. He is a douchebag. He doesn’t show respect to women.
Janelle: It isn’t? Does he say that to you?
Christine: Yes. But I say that and more back at him.
Robyn: Kody is our leader but he’s not a dictator.
He is a dictator Lol It’s a patriarchal family unit. He controls his family. What he didn’t realize is when his kids grew up they would no longer listen to him or do what he wants or says. That much is very clear. He is in charge. He gets final say on all decisions. And the wives have to just deal with it. Because remember, they all agreed to it. They are all consenting adults. Tied to a contract and tied to the money being taken away if they don’t do what he wants and says.
Kody: Our family culture isn’t about plural marriage. Our family culture is about diversity in a family that is close, bonded, and watching out for each other.
That’s funny because that’s why you got a tv show. Diversity or divisiveness? Because it doesn’t seem like any of the wives are happy, it doesn’t seem any of the kids feel important unless the parents support their choices and it doesn’t seem very many are close, bonded or even watched over. Wasn’t Truly in the hospital because no one gave her something to drink?

Season 7 Ep 4

In my darkest spot last year when I knew that something was wrong but I didn’t know what and I didn’t know how to get out of it the thing that I felt like that really anchored me was the kids. Didn’t matter how crappy I felt like my relationship was with Kody at the time. It didn’t matter how big of a wall I was putting up with my sister wives it was the kids that I was looking at and holding on to.
She admits her relationship with Kody is crap.

It’s always been the kids. It always will be.

This is a huge mistake. When you put everything into kids and they eventually leave you have nothing left to stay for. And that’s why a lot of couples wait until the last kid goes off to college then they get a divorce. Because if you don’t take care of the spouse relationship you will find yourself alone at the end of the raising of kids. And that’s where she is at. That’s where I found her. Feeling unwanted and unloved and completely abandoned by her husband.
Now that the oldest group of kids are gone Meri has realized she really hasn’t bonded so well with the younger kids. She tries but it’s not at all the same. So she feels awkward and has no idea why she is staying around there. The kids no longer need her like they did before.

In the past year it got even worse. As I went through the whole process of like being an empty nester, I don’t know it really just kind of got to be this really confusing time of like where was my place and in doing that I pulled myself away. It left me very vulnerable and wide open to be targeted. I ended up talking to people online and creating friendships that way.
One of the friendships that I thought was a friendship ended up really bad. So this person I will refer to as a he because at the time I thought that it was a male. What’s it going to hurt? I have a friend that I can just talk to. I finally talked to my family and I told them what was really going on and they I think were completely blown away. That’s why I just wanted to hide under a rock. I just wanted to go away I wanted the situation to go away.
Here we are not seeing her story change for the 4th time. Now I was only a friendship Lol I have over 320 total voicemail proving this was not just a friendship. As well as photos and text messages backing that up. She is lying. And now she is defining me as male. Again another flip in her story. Why would she do that? Because she is confused. At this point in time while they filmed this her new friends the trolls got caught lying and she cut some of them off. She is started to realize all of the bullshit information the trolls fed her was lies. And she’s not really sure anymore. She is starting to realize the trolls are not her friends, just like Kendra warned her for months.
If she really wanted the situation to go away why did she and her friends go to the tabloids and sell stories about claiming I was a catfish? She did that. In response and to defend myself I posted all of this on this blog. I am not a liar, I am not fake, I am male, I am real, and this is my real name. Everything about my life is true. And she has listened to fake people, the trolls for months at this point. Who have lied, and fed her more lies in order to gain a friendship with her. She was started to realize how badly they have screwed her over.

Before I even started talking to this person I felt like I was in a place where I needed to heal my relationships and then I got into that situation and I need to heal them even more. I need to figure out.
I broke trust with a lot of people.  (Bites her bottom lip) Just because I handled things so poorly. And now I need to heal my relationships and try to build that trust back.
How did she break trust if she was just a victim of as she claims a catfish? She claims she was targeted so that means it was not her fault at all? And didn’t her husband say at the last tell all that she was not at fault. He completely forgives her because it was only talking? Interesting how all of a sudden she has broken trust with people. To me this means that the family is now aware of my blog and the things on my blog and not in front of the camera they have made Meri away of what they have now seen. Which explains why Mariah, Robyn, and Kody are all pissed at her.

I feel like I need to tread just a little bit lightly with Mariah right now. There’s kind of a little bit of a distance between us. Mariah is still pretty upset about last summer. It was a bad situation and Mariah is very upset with me about that. I understand why Mariah’s upset. I do. And I really want to be able to just spend some time and explain to her everything that happened. Mariah really loves Solomon and with this little bit of a distance I think if he was there with me it might be a little bit less awkward between Mariah and I.
Again why would Mariah be pissed at her? Mariah and I talked. Mariah, Meri, and I used to talk on the phone. Mariah was around at the Disney trip, she was also around for the second Disney trip, but not the one with just Meri and Lindsay. Meri and I once again met up at Disney and she took Mariah and Garrison with her on that one. If Meri is claiming she was catfished, and she is a victim, why on Earth would her daughter be pissed? It’s because Mariah talked to me. And she learned a lot of things that went on while she was literally living in the same house.

I miss Mariah. I miss having her home. You know she’s just so angry and I get it. I understand I just, I hope that she will take the time and listen to me you know. I hope that she’ll want to talk to me.
Mariah needs time and things will heal. She loves her mom very much. She’s just tired of her moms lies.
I know Mariah is upset. I’m sure she feels like that I betrayed her and the family somehow I just don’t think that she understands everything that happened and why it happened. And that’s the big thing that I really want to get through to her. What I want is to be on a level of trust with her so that she will listen to me and know my part of the story because that’s the part that counts.
She understands and she has seen proof Lol She asked me a bunch of questions and each time I would direct her on my blog where to find the answer. In her mom’s own words.

You know I don’t want to do or say anything that will upset her. I just want to tread lightly and make it a fun weekend.
Mariah: Yeah my mom and I aren’t on super great terms right now, but it’s something that I’m kind of working on with myself to talk to her I guess.
Yeah I know she wants to talk she’s expressed to me yeah I hope some time we can talk about this.

They will talk about this and Mariah will call her out on what she saw and heard. Mariah told me she was going to play the voicemails and ask her mom about all of them. That’s why she’s so upset.
It’s not something I really want to talk about. Um I’m not at a place yet where I feel comfortable even talking to her.

Meri: 5 or so years later all the kids are growing up, Mariah has moved out I have a hard time seeing what importance I am like what kind of influence I am on some of my family.

Interesting she only means the oldest 6. Those are the ones she was closest to. They still have 12 kids at home yet she is saying this? This shows that she really doesn’t interact or help raise the younger kids like she did the other ones. She told me several times that’s why she wanted to leave because now that they live in these separate homes she isn’t an integral party anymore. We talked about having kids together and she said she would love to be the only mom to our kids. It would be different but she really wanted that experience in her life and she wants more kids.

Mariah: She’s struggling to find her place in the family she feels like I’m that only place and so with our relationship being as strained as it is right now I wonder if she feels like well I guess I’m really not part of this family, you know.
I don’t think my mom and I have had a decent conversation in probably about a year.
I do want a relationship with her and I want us to get to a place where I can trust her and feel comfortable with her again. But it has to be on my terms. I know saying this and thinking it I know it hurts her. I know my actions and responses right now are hurting her but it’s like I can’t handle it.

Mariah is hurt and feels like Meri cheated on her dad. That’s always upsetting to the kids. I think now after all of this Meri is thinking how bad of an idea it was to have Elisa Furr and all her trolls friends sell stories to the tabloids about me. She never expected me to post all of the proof and to prove we had a real affair. No one did. But I’m not going to stand here and let her go on international tv and try to ruin me. I will always defend myself. Because that’s what she’s doing. I have only responded to all of the things she has lied to the media about. I took all of her stories in the press and blogs for 6 weeks before I said a word. There came a point where I wanted to set my side of the story out there. And I don’t regret it at all. I’m sorry for any hurt it caused anyone but I’m not lying. I have proof. She offers nothing at all. Just stories with no evidence to back up anything she says. And her family can not say anything because they were aware it was an affair we were in until after we had already broken up.
I have been avoiding conversation, deep conversation with my mom for quite some time now. And her saying let’s go take a walk with just the two of us where I have you alone and we’re going to talk I guess I don’t want to really have that conversation.

Meri: Earlier this year I thought that I was making friends with somebody online who turned out to be a very deceitful woman. And Mariah is still very upset about that situation. And the way that I handled the situation because I knew that it was a dangerous situation and I was very fearful and the way that I handled it was not wise.
Again now we’ve pushed me into a friendship Lol Come on that’s ridiculous. Friends don’t send bathtub pictures or photos of a banana in their mouth and texts talking about sucking my dick. None of my friends do that kind of thing. They also don’t talk about how in love they are with me. I am male. I am not deceitful. I am telling my story, just like she is trying to do.
I think that’s why she’s mad at me. I do. I think that’s why she’s upset. And I think it caused Mariah to lose trust and faith in me. I lost that trust with her and I want to get it back.
She is mad because she feels that Meri cheated. Until Meri tells the real truth Mariah will not talk to her or even listen to it. She told me that. She said her mom avoids telling the full truth until you really hold your ground with her and she breaks down. She said she’s grown up with that and she’s sick of it, she wants her mom to grow up.

Mariah: My mom and I haven’t had a good conversation in forever.
So I know that mom really wants to talk to me about our situation from last summer and I don’t really even know how to respond to her about that right now.
Meri: I just kind of wanted to, I don’t know come see you and come hang out and see how you were and see how we were and see what’s going on with us and what you want to do about it and if you even wanted to talk about anything.
Mariah: I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m like ready to talk about it.
I feel really selfish. Because I just don’t care.
She cares a lot she just can’t stomach asking her mom about me yet.

Because I feel like this whole thing she did it to me. I know she’s wanting sympathy from me. She broke my trust.  
Meri: I’m up here in Utah visiting Mariah and we have decided to go out on a walk. I’m hoping that we can use this time to just kind of talk about some of the things that are going on.
Mariah: I’m not ready. I’m not ready for any of it and she just thinks she can apologize and everything is hunky dory again and it’s not.
Meri: Is there anything that can be done to get you get ready to talk about it?
Mariah: I don’t know. I think it’s just a matter of like me I don’t know. Like I guess making that decision.
Meri: What can I do to help you with that?
Mariah: I don’t really think it’s a you thing I think it’s like I need to figure it out.
When she had a relationship that from the very beginning I told her not to have and she broke my trust and she ruined that. She ruined our relationship and she wants me to fix it.
Even Mariah calls what we had a relationship. Not a friendship.

I don’t know we just have to wait I guess.
I don’t care that that relationship wasn’t real and it wasn’t physical and that it was a lie. It doesn’t change the fact that she still had that relationship. It doesn’t change the fact that she totally disregarded me and my feelings through the whole thing.

Again Mariah is going with what she is reading in the tabloids and what she is being told by all the adults in the family. She is trying to figure things out because all of my proof she said doesn’t add up to what her family has told her about this. She said her family won’t admit they have seen or heard the things on my blog. She said she knows they have. She said she knows her dad and she knows he was probably the first one on the blog because he wants to know things. He doesn’t look and tell. He looks and never says anything to anybody. Because he doesn’t want to upset anyone. She said he’s smarter than people give him credit and she hasn’t talked to him in depth yet about what he has seen or heard yet. Mariah has seen proof of Meri and I being together. I sent her photos of us. She started crying and saying No when she saw them. It was very hard. I asked her 3 times before I sent them are you sure you want to do this. She said she needs to know. She can’t leave this like it is.

I didn’t do anything wrong in this. I didn’t do anything wrong this is not my fault that this happened and she’s trying to get me to fix it she’s trying to get me to be the one to forgive her and I don’t forgive her at least not yet.
Meri: I’ll just keep being here.
Mariah: I know. Its just a lot of stuff I have to work through by myself kind of thing right now you know.
Meri: Is it?
Mariah: Before I can talk to you about it. yeah. And that’s probably not what you want to hear but it’s just like where I am.
Meri: I, okay. I would just say just because of my personality let’s just talk about it and just get the stuff out in the open I mean even if it’s just like you know you just feel I don’t know frustrated with me as a mom. I don’t even know what your emotions are really with me except for  I’ve just have felt a lot of anger and stuff from you.
When Meri is upset and wants to talk she comes right at you. I am someone who needs to cool off for 5 or 10 minutes. Then I’m ready. I don’t like confrontation at all. Meri wants to deal with things right now. That’s why when her and I were getting ornery with each other I would tell her I need to hang up and call back. She would start hounding me until I did call back, not giving me that 10 minutes to process stuff.

Mariah: I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk about it without getting really upset and I feel like I need to get to a place where I can talk about it calmly and a healthy way before I can talk about and I’m just not there yet.
Meri: Yeah that makes sense.
Would you be interested in setting up an appointment with Nancy next time you come down?
Mariah: Not yet.
I definitely would see Nancy by myself. I know I’m still not ready to talk to her. Whether by ourselves or with Nancy.
Mariah: I’m sorry. That’s really not what you wanted to hear but I know I have a lot of anger. And I need to work on that, first.
Meri: You know with everything that I dealt with last year that whole situation I handled so wrong.
Mariah was home when a lot of this was going on. I thought that I was protecting my family. I thought I was protecting Mariah.  I think that she thought that I was planning on running away with a guy. I was never going to run off with another guy. But there was enough question in Mariah’s mind I think that, I think that that’s what she thought.
Mariah was home and then she moved back home for the summer and she heard us talking a lot. She would join in on some of our talks too. Mariah told me she heard us having phonesex a few times and she didn’t know what to think about it. She wasn’t sure what was going on until after I told her that’s one of the things we were doing together. She said I know I heard it. That was embarrassing.

I’m hopeful that she will really continue trying to figure things out. I’m cautious because I’m feeling insecure about it and I’m scared.
Sometimes I just get scared that she’s just going to be so angry with me it will just hold on for a really long time. And I don’t want that to happen.
She just needs time because she’s hurting.

Mariah: I do feel bad about her situation. She went through a lot of shit this summer she put me through a lot of shit this summer and I haven’t forgiven her for it and so I think on top of everything that happened not forgiving her for that is hard. I can understand that. But she has put me in a place where I can’t talk to her. But it doesn’t change the fact that I love her.
They will be okay. They do love each other very very much. Meri is an amazing mom. Mariah knows that.

Season 7 Ep 3

Meri: Can I make these tables go right together so we have less tables because they are butted right next to each other.
Kody: I’m sorry why are we switching that why don’t we keep the space and make it so everyone can get around the table easier.
He said it calmly and just asked why. Yet she freaks out.

Meri: Because this is more like one big table rather than a banquet room that have all these separate little things going on.
Kody: Meri I
Meri: Christine told me to.
And there we see Meri lie Lol She does that when you confront her about anything. She will lie so you don’t get mad at her. She did this to me several times.
Sometimes it’s easier for me to not have Kody mad at me. So I’ll do anything to make him not mad at me.
See Lol Anything meaning lie. The real thing to focus on is why does she feel that way? Because he gets really mean with her and yells at her.

Christine: So I just owned that it was my decision as well.
Janelle: You were backing up your sister wife.
Christine: Yes I was.
Meri: Christine really does handle Kody’s disagreement with something much better than I do. I take things way too serious and Christine will just throw it right back in his face and they can do that well together. He and I don’t do that well together.
He yells at her and then storms out. He leaves her crying and abandons her then she has to pick herself back up and try to handle whatever is going on all alone. This is why she constantly says she feels alone.

Season 7 Ep 2


Meri: About 3 weeks ago we had Nancy our family therapist come over to our house to meet with the 5 adults.
Kody: There has been a very vulnerable thing that’s happened with Meri and she’s, she’s just found herself in this place where she’s just so unsure. As far as I can tell you know she was being catfished. A new term to me about this online manipulation. I want to give her confidence I want her to know that we’ll work these things out but I don’t know how to do it. The therapy session with Nancy I think went pretty well I, oh golly, but you know it’s just one of those things you just don’t know. You don’t know about the future. I still feel like there’s just so much more to say. And I don’t know what it is. I don’t even know where I am on it other than you know hey we’ve got to work this out. Let’s be very kind to each other as we do it. And that’s all I’ve got. You know I don’t know what else to think.
After all of these months since our breakup she is still struggling. Why? Because she is still in love with me. Kody is going along with the story told everyone because he doesn’t know. He really has no idea what happened. So he is supporting his wife and doing what a husband should do. He is obviously pissed off. Because he is not showering her with love and attention. At this point he had been on my blog looking at stuff and listening to voicemails. So his doubts were coming up.

Meri: We are just working on processing it and figuring out how to get through it and come back together as a strong family unit.
Janelle: Do you know I think that probably one of the best things that came out of the whole discussion was everybody really understanding that you know Meri has felt sort of like a square peg with Mariah moving out and everything the struggle is how do I fit in here and that’s where Meri is. And I think that’s the real work. She’s going to have to do a lot of it herself. But I think I for one am aware now of the difference between telling her she belongs telling her we want her but also than helping her feel like she fits in.
Kody: So Meri and I will, and can, and need to work all these things out.
I’m glad they are working it out. It won’t work for long. There is too much hurt between them and the truth is Meri is still telling our mutual friend she is in love with me Lol No amount of therapy can erase how she feels for me. We really were in love. We wanted to get married and have our own kids. This was a deep love we built together.

Meri: You know during the time that I was losing all that weight and I was having stomach issues  I was deep into the whole catfish situation you know talking to this person who was not real. I was stressing out a lot. I cried a lot. I couldn’t eat. I was keeping it all in. When you have that much stress and have that much being thrown at you and you don’t let it out it literally eats away at your stomach.
She has H. Pylori virus. She was on antibiotics for it last I knew but that’s what was causing the weight lose. I’m sure she was also stressed but all of her weight has come back on. You can tell.
I do at times still feel lonely. I’m taking steps to feel those lonely spots so we’re working through it.
She has filled her time with me with her new hobby of painting. She’s now painting her feelings out. It surprises me that she still feels lonely. This proves her family are really doing nothing new to help her and make her feel welcomed and wanted. They are not doing what they promised to do. To help her. That to me is incredibly sad. Meri should never feel lonely. She is an awesome woman and so funny.

Season 7 Ep 1

Season 7
Meri: Earlier this year I started talking to somebody online and then eventually on the phone. Who I thought was becoming a good friend. He said all the right things and did all the right things to make me feel trust for him. And he was making me really start to feel love for who he was portraying himself to be. I started suspecting that some of the things that he was saying were far from the truth. I thought I was talking to a man online and on the phone. And it wasn’t a man. It wasn’t a man. It was a woman pretending to be a man. It was a woman who had been watching me online. And I feel like I have been targeted. And I was keeping it all to myself. I wasn’t sharing anything with my family at all.
Not true. I am a man. I was never watching her online and she was not targeted. Meri is the one that continued to contact me after the first evening we talked on Twitter. Once she had my phone number she continued to call and text me.
Then a couple of months ago when we went to Alaska I had already decided that I didn’t know how or when but I needed to get out of this situation. And at one point I tried talking to my family about it and once I started talking to them I realized it just was not the time or place to do it.
She is lying to cover up the fact that we broke up. And that I completely walked away from her. She tried contacting me after we broke up and I ignored her.
After we got back from Alaska I did finally tell my family. I know it shocked and surprised them. There are very many aspects about it that were shocking.
I’m sure they were because her story does not add up at all to all of the things they saw and heard during the time of our affair.
Robyn: Her pulling back from the family was very difficult for us. Nobody could quite understand what was happening. It was difficult for me. I felt like I lost my friend. She would come late to family gatherings, she would leave early. She was on her phone the whole entire time. She was distant, she was cold, she’d move away from us she didn’t want to spend time with us. It was really difficult.
She was always talking to me. She didn’t want to be there anymore. We had a lot of fun talking and she enjoyed it so much she was still talking to me while she was at family events.
Meri: You know we’re still trying to figure out how to deal with it. We just need to process the whole thing. We’ve got our family therapist Nancy coming over so we just have a lot to discuss. A lot to figure out about it.
There is nothing to figure out. We had an affair, she lied about that and she is concocting some wild story to cover her own ass.
Meri: This year I’ve had quite a bit of stress in my life. And I finally talked to my family about it and now we are trying to deal with it. Almost on a daily basis I fight with myself in my head about this situation because I let it in. And I feel a lot of guilt for that. I always have just a little bit of anxiety when we discuss this subject.
She misses me. She fights everyday still with her feelings for me. This much I know because I have been told this several times since the breakup.
Sure there are things that we are going to have to work through and deal with because of the whole situation but being completely open and honest and transparent and vulnerable to the family is the best situation.
I wish she would finally begin to be honest. But she won’t. Not yet.
So today we are having Nancy our therapist come over and we’re just going to spend as much time as we need to with her talking about it and dealing with it and just processing it. I know it’s going to be a long, a long process. It’s not going to be resolved just in one day. But today will be a start.
Meri said it was a 6 hour session.
Meri: Not quite as I had hoped but I was kind of in a jumble in my head.
Once I started talking to them I’m like wait a second. We’ve got one day left here and I just didn’t want this amazing trip to end on such a horrible note. So by not saying it, it only ended it on a sort of horrible note.
I don’t think, you guys, okay. So you all know it’s no surprise that I’ve been struggling with stuff. Lately. I don’t know what I need to do is what I’m saying I’m going to be doing something but I don’t know what it is I need to do.
Kody: In Alaska I didn’t even know what to think or do because it’s just like you needed a break. I didn’t understand from what.
From him. Can this guy be this stupid? Yes he can Lol
Meri: And I don’t know where I’m going to go and what I’m. I just don’t know what I’m going to do, right now. So don’t be surprised if I just up and am gone.
Again, if she feels threatened by me why on Earth would she say this to her family on camera?
Kody: It seemed like you were talking about a break from us as a family and a break from our situation.
Meri: I could tell during that conversation at dinner, it was just not going how I wanted. But I didn’t know how exactly how I wanted it to go and I didn’t know what to do.
Meri: The weekend that we went to go see Hunter for parents weekend in Colorado I ended up in Robyn’s hotel room one night and I just finally told her what was going on.
She told Robyn the truth. And then they both waited a week to tell the other adults. In that week Kendra was talking to Robyn. Kendra was also talking to Lindsay. And Lindsay was sharing with me some of what Kendra was being told. There is a lot more that Lindsay has never told me. But it’s going to be in her book. So I guess we all will find out soon what really happened in that hotel room.
Robyn: Meri was very nervous but she finally told me. So the last 6 to 8 months I’ve been having like this major war within myself about Meri. It was a constant struggle to know whether or not I believed that Meri was actually having an affair or she just wasn’t and something else was going on. It’s like this isn’t like Meri to do this. I mean Meri would sit and call me over and she would just cry and want me to hold her.
Robyn had suspected the affair for a long time. For months. Kendra and Robyn sat down at Robyn’s computer for the week that Kendra was in Las Vegas visiting the family. They sat down and looked at my twitter, Meri’s twitter and Robyn even added me as a friend on Twitter. She wanted to talk to me and find out what was going on. I ignored her and kicked her off of my twitter because when I told Meri that Robyn added me on Twitter, Meri freaked out and told me to kick her off. So I did.
Meri: We sat there for a couple of hours just talking.
Robyn: I just kept saying what can I do for you, what can I do for you. She finally told me basically that she started talking to a guy online and I already knew that just because it was kind of public. I could tell that she was really embarrassed. She was worried that I was going to judge her and she sat there and told me some pretty horrifying things about what had happened with her. That she was still dealing with it. She said I don’t even think that this man is real. She said I think it was a woman trying to impersonate and make her voice sound like a man’s voice.
Again, Meri starts out telling the truth. That she was talking to a guy. Then she throws in a hint of doubt. It suddenly twists into it might be a female. Not at all the story that she said earlier. My voice sounds nothing like a woman’s voice Lol
You know Meri was basically telling me that she was being emotionally blackmailed. She was telling me that she felt her house was bugged. She was telling me that they were tracking her every move. All of these things that never made sense to me all of a sudden made sense to me because she was telling me that she couldn’t spend time with the family without them getting upset. She just sat there and cried and cried and cried and finally told me everything. And I was beside myself just so sad for her that she has been going through this alone but at the same time so relieved that she wasn’t, she wasn’t leaving us.
She was not at all being blackmailed. If she was, there would be evidence of such. There would be proof or texts with me dictating to her how to speak to me or what to say to me in messages. There is nothing because that’s a lie. And again, the focus stays on Robyn even in Meri’s supposedly darkest moment of her entire life. Robyn always flips things back to herself.
I mean I know that’s not like it’s a good thing but I mean for me when it was like at least this is something we can figure out together.
Oh my gosh she’s not leaving us, she didn’t have an affair she got herself into this mess and these people took advantage of her.
Again with the plural people. This goes against the story she is making up.
I know from this experience I’ve looked really internal and gone what have I done, what did we do, how did this happen? That’s where I’m just like how in the heck did this happen. How were you in the place that you were at emotionally? How did we not see it? How was this where you didn’t feel like you could talk to us? How did we not see this a mile away the burning bush over here. I don’t know. It’s like I’m sitting here like okay this should never happen to us.
Again focusing on herself. This happened because Meri was lonely, she was not getting attention and she felt very unloved and unwanted at home. Surrounded by all of those people she had no one. So she turned to me and I made her happy. I made her laugh and I made her feel very loved.
Meri: I don’t even remember exactly how I said it or what I said.

Robyn really talked to me about the importance of just talking to the whole family or the adults you know and just letting them know. And I even at that point I didn’t know how or when or if I was going to tell the rest of the family. You know part of me just wanted to be like okay well I’ll tell Kody because he deserves to know, he needs to know, but we don’t need to tell everybody else we can just, you know I was still like trying to keep it in my own little circle because it was just. It was just humiliating.
I’m sure it was. It’s really bad every time someone gets caught in an affair.
I was just like, I need to say something but I can’t I’m too scared I don’t want to say anything.
Kody: About a week after Meri told Robyn the struggle she was having in her life she told me and the other wives. And we didn’t have a lot of information in-depth on it. You know I’ve known for a long time that something was wrong that something was going on something she was struggling with. Her nuisances were all I’m trapped I’m trapped I’m trapped and I literally was like what are you trapped with me? I mean I’m not doing that to you.
Why would they wait a week to tell him? Because they had to fix the story they were about to say. Robyn was told that Meri fell in love with me. That Meri and I were having an affair. The story that Meri told the adults is that she was catfished and she left out the part that we fell in love and had an affair. She began denying my existence and began telling them we had never met. Both lies.
She felt completely trapped in the marriage because if she leaves the show they could lose all the money. If she leaves Kody maybe he will turn the family against her and not let her come see the kids. She was very scared of Kody’s reaction if he ever found out about us.
She would just kind of go blank and cry.
Meri: Anyways so I finally told them what was going on. I had been talking to this person. It started out as a friendship you know we were laughing it felt good because leading up to that point I was just kind of in a weird place personally just trying to figure out I guess my own peace and my own happiness and just figuring stuff out. So when I started talking to this guy on social media and then eventually on the phone you know talking on the phone you know we were becoming friends and we were laughing. He was saying all the right things  to make me trust him and make me think he was this real person that really cared. He started into you know expressing love for me and I did start caring about him or who I thought that he was.
She now claims that it started out as a friendship, this indicates that later on it turned into more than a friendship. Again changing her story about me for the 3rd time over the course of 6 months. Here is where she begins the she only cared about me story. Not in love or starting to feel love for me as she has said earlier.
Kody: Meri and I have struggled for a very long time. There was a point where I was trying to say hey you know some of these online friendships are not really safe can you cut them off and because she wasn’t trusting me at the time because we had struggled so much it left her vulnerable but not to me. It’s like well no I’m not going to stop having friends just because you say.
Kody asked her 3 times to stop talking to me and Meri said no. Now here is her chance to tell him I’m being abused or blackmailed or whatever she was claiming. He talks to her 3 times about me and she tells him no, she’s not going to stop talking to me because as she just said, she doesn’t want to stop having friends. She did not want to stop the affair.
I wish that I would have tried harder to have regained her trust enough to have then been able to say hey you know what these aren’t good friends. Stay away from them.
Kody forgets the time he sent out a tweet comparing himself to Santa Clause and taking a swipe at me loving Batman Lol
I feel culpable in the sense that I could have actually tried to stay closer to her when she was trying to shut me out. That was a mistake on my part.
She kicked him out and he stayed out for months. He wouldn’t even come over to the house anymore unless he needed a quick answer or if he was dropping off a check for the insurance or something else.
Janelle: So what I’ve understood from what you’ve said it’s like you were emotionally compromised like he started love and you were like Uhh no, not love but…
Meri: No when he started saying love it was flattering.
And here it is. She loved the attention. She loved me fawning all over her and gushing about how much I loved her. She was more than flattered. She loved it. Go look at her twitter still and see her responses to the things I’ve said to her during the time of the affair. She loved the attention.
Kody: To be fair when people tell me that they love me I’m flattered you know. Maybe I’m just being naive, maybe this is new enough that I don’t really know what’s going on. I don’t know. Here’s the thing I refuse to live in a world of rumor and innuendo.
He knows what’s going on he is playing dumb to make this not come off so bad. He lives in a world of denial and ignore it, it will go away Lol
Meri: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It was flattering.
She admits it. She loved how I made her feel. I called her baby and she melted. She said she had never been called baby before. So she started calling me baby too and that was one of our nicknames back and forth. In most of the voicemails you hear her say Hey baby or I love you baby.
Janelle: I get that. I get that I think that would be for anybody. I think that would be for anybody. That is an unhuman that is not a polygamist thing that’s just, you know that’s normal to feel flattered.

Do you know I mean for me this whole experience I mean I still am very naive. I mean I really am naive. And we are generally very trusting, we are. And this has been a huge wakeup call. I always heard about these kinds of things. You know I’d read stories in my magazines or whatever about these kinds of people and I’m like okay that exists in some world, not mine.
Meri: Then he introduced me to his female friend and I met her and she would say how much he cared about me and all the while they were saying it was kind of these little threats.
Meri went to Lindsay’s hotel room within an hour of Lindsay and Stacey arriving in Las Vegas. Lindsay had a box from my house that I had for Meri. It had presents, love letters, and cards in there. There is a photo that Meri took from that day. There were no threats at all. Meri continued to meet up with Lindsay at her hotel or Meri would pick her up at her hotel and they would go hang out. Also, Meri, Lindsay and I would hang out. If Meri was scared of Lindsay if Lindsay was creepy, why the heck did Meri go over and hang out with her so often? Why did Meri bring her into her home 5 times? We would go out to eat, go talk about work because Meri was my regional representative and distributor for the investment deal I was working on between her and Jeff’s company. We were all 3 together several times.
Kody: The person you met, that woman is him? Is that right?
Meri: That is the person who was making herself look as him. Anyways so
This is a lie. I am male. Lindsay is female. We are 2 separate people. We have photos together with Meri proving this.
Christine: How much of this plotting and planning does he have to write down how far in advanced does he have to plan before he can really mess with someone’s life appropriately.
Meri: Well here’s the kicker. We can really stop referring to him as a he because there really is no he. There is no he.
Again Meri states that I am female. And she blames the catfishing on Lindsay. But she still will not say any names to keep it straight. She has never named me, Lindsay or Jackie in any of this. Ever. Here she is trying to sell the story that the catfish person she is claiming is female and is Lindsay. She is denying I exist in front of her entire family and now on camera.
Setting herself up for an awesome lawsuit for libel, slander, and defamation 😉
Christine: So Meri is telling us this story and how she thinks that there’s really one person behind several identities. It’s just evil to create all these identities setup just to deceive people.
There are no several identities. There is me and there is Lindsay. Neither one of us have any other accounts trying to portray ourselves as someone else. The trolls, Meri’s friends all have multiple accounts and have been suspended or deleted because of that. We can prove Meri’s friends, the trolls, are the ones that create fake identities. And Lindsay and I have never changed our names. Lindsay did get her Twitter account suspended for posting Sylvia Bailey’s mugshot and arrest record for herself and her husband. They both have been arrested. She now has another twitter account but is still using her real name on it. We don’t hide, we don’t create fake accounts. That’s Meri’s friends that do that.
Meri: Okay it seems kind of real but there’s kind of some holes in the story and I actually started doing some research myself you know just kind of  looking into businesses and the house that he said that he owned here in Las Vegas and it wasn’t of course when I bring that up to him, serious like verbal abuse.
Wrong. She did ask me some questions that all got answered. And I followed that up by proving things to her. She wanted to see my rental house, my house, my plane, and my businesses. She was shown all of the information for all of that. And she didn’t question anything further.
Robyn: Sorry it’s really, really weird to think of someone treating you like this and getting away with it because the Meri that I know wouldn’t put up with that. You know what I’m saying?
Robyn is right. It never happened and if it did Meri would not put up with that kind of treatment. So Robyn just called her out on the lie. And then Kody chimes in again, confirming that Meri would not put up with that from anybody. Not even from her husband. Proving that it never happened. I never treated her badly.
Kody: You never put up with it from me.
Meri: You didn’t threaten me, you’ve never threatened me the way these people threatened me.
See how she says this. He has never threatened her like this. Now proving that Kody has threatened her before. And he has. When he gets mad at her, he yells at her, then he starts threatening her about the show and how she needs to step it up and participate more. Again, there were no threats at all and there is no proof to any threats. None. If there were threats she would take those to the police and there would be a police report about it. She is a celebrity. They do all they can to protect themselves. There was nothing to protect herself from. When we broke up I walked away and I never contacted her again. She continued to contact me.
Janelle: You know from an outside perspective I see the manipulation all over it and it just it really does surprise me that Meri fell for that. I’m just, when I’m listening to the facts I’m just like wow, how? How? How did you not say take a flying leap when this person said that to you. Because the Meri I know says those things.
Again now Janelle is proving that Meri is not at all the type of person to put up with any kind of threat. Proving I never threatened her.
Meri: These were actual words that she said to me. I will ruin your life. I will ruin your family. You don’t want to mess with me.
Those words were never said. If they were, that is something she would have kept. She would not have heard that and done nothing. Robyn, Kody, and Janelle just proved that in their own words. No one ever said that to her. Not ever. That is a lie.
Christine: People will sit there behind their computer and create all this fake stuff and not be accountable for anything they say. They’re a coward. They are just sitting there behind a computer. That’s all they are doing. They are just a coward. And they are just bullying and bullying because they are just a coward.
That’s exactly what Meri’s troll friends do. They sit behind a computer and bully me or anyone that talks to me. They go after all of my friends and try to get information. Anyone that talks to me, they look them up on facebook and go after their family and friends. They harass you until you either block me or stop talking to me. These are Meri’s friends doing this. The trolls.
Meri: I was on the phone once I was sitting in my bedroom and I was on the phone once to my friend then all of a sudden I started getting texts from him having to do with the conversation I was having with her on the phone and it really scared me.
This is made up. That never happened.
Kody: Did you think you were being bugged?
Meri: I didn’t know if I was being bugged. I didn’t know if she had something on my phone and she was listening to everything. I didn’t even know so I got up and I went outside and I stood back out in the far corner of the yard.
This is all made up. You can tell by her face she is lying and she has just created this story to gain more sympathy for herself. Meri will lie her way out of being in a hot seat. Especially when it’s Kody talking to her. She will do anything at all to make sure Kody does not get mad at her. Even lie.
Christine: How did they know what you were talking about?
Meri: I don’t know. But I was so scared she had put something in my house to listen to conversations or to see stuff.
That never happened. Lindsay nor I ever put anything in her house to bug her or her phone. That’s ridiculous. It’s a lie.
Kody: What kind of low life digs into your life and manipulates this way?
Meri: I get so angry. I get so angry at myself when I still get emotional or feel anxiety about it because this stupid person still just has this much control over me and it just pisses me off because I’m not a weak person. God it just pisses me off at myself.
Meri misses me and is still in love with me. That’s why she says I still have control over her. It’s her feelings and what’s in her heart that says that. Not anything I have done or said. All I did was treat her like a Queen and love her with all of my heart.
Meri: So there were times throughout talking to these characters that they really started pushing that I was not happy here in the family and that I wasn’t being treated right. They started talking a lot about like our religion and our beliefs and why do we believe this way and where does it stem from and  like he was just questioning me on why are you even there? You’re not treated right you know you don’t have sole focus on you. I mean you are just kind of one in a group of you know.
And now we are back to multiple people. She was not happy in the family because she told me she wasn’t. She told me she was not in love with Kody and hadn’t been for years. She told me they stopped having sex at the beginning of February because she said he wasn’t making love to her, she was just fucking her and she knew the difference. She said they had another big fight and she wouldn’t sleep with him for months at a time because of the way he treated her. I asked her why she stayed. Her daughter was raised, she had the time now to move on with her life if she was so unhappy. She told me she wanted to leave for the past 5 years but didn’t know how to go about it because of the show and the contract she had signed. She also didn’t know where she would go and she said Kody would not support her financially and help her get out. He would let her go but would do nothing at all to help. And because she agreed to nothing in the divorce she was no longer entitled to anything. No money, not even her own house. He would take that away from her too.
Kody: You hear that a lot the one of the many.
No one would say that to this family at all if he did not treat his wives as if they are just one of his many. If he showed his wives respect and actually showed love for them, no one would ever say that about them.
Meri: And then he started like really bashing our belief system you know Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon and how we are who we are and why we do what we do you know and it caused me to really think about and evaluate like what it was that I wanted. He would bring up these points about our religion and it caused me to start reading and start praying more and start really evaluating it and kind of bring a connection with God back into my life that I hadn’t had for a while.
I asked her about her religion. She told me they mostly go off of the Book of Mormon but they also have other doctrines they abided by. So I read them all. I listened to the Book of Mormon first and I thought it was very interesting. I even did a blog on it before we broke up and I said I do believe it is a Second account of Jesus Christ. I never bashed her faith at all. I questioned what her beliefs were and asked questions to understand the reasoning behind polygamy. I asked because I wanted to make sure she understood I would not be a polygamist. That she would no longer be living that lifestyle once she left to be with me. I believe polygamy is a sin for my life. Anyone else that’s not for me to say and I have openly stated for months now that I believe polygamy works with the right set of adults. I support it, I think it’s got historical significance and I have no problem with polygamy at all. All of this was documented before we broke up which proves again she is lying about that.
And so it caused me to realize what I really want. And I spent a lot of time connecting with God and I spent a lot of time just asking him questions and just saying help me get out of this.
She reconnected with God because I am a deeply spiritual and devout Catholic. I talk about God everyday of my life. It’s something that everyone knows about me. She said she felt really good because I was so deeply following God’s word and that she needed that reconnection back in her life. She said right now because they have no Church, Kody is their spiritual leader and they do not do services often. She said if he is in town and they can get everyone to agree to it they do. She said mostly it’s for the cameras. Her and I used to pray together, we used to talk about Bible verses we liked and she would sing to me all of the books in the Book of Mormon. She said she would teach the kids in Sunday school about bible studies and she remembered a lot of that.
We talked about religion a lot because I really love it. We learned a lot about each other by talking about our beliefs.
Robyn: This horrible person was able to weasel her way into our lives. I don’t ever want anyone in this family ever to feel that vulnerable, alone. We have to be proactive in making sure that kind of stuff doesn’t happen.
Robyn: I didn’t realize we have this big of a crack. It’s like bizarre to me that this person could isolate Meri so drastically that she wouldn’t sit and talk to us. Wouldn’t talk to Kody, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t, wouldn’t reach out for help.
Janelle: You and Kody, you’ve  made no bones that you were in a place where things were not at all connecting.
Meri: Well it was kind of like a whole lot of things. It was me being home alone all of the time. And you guys having all these kids that I wasn’t involved in.
Meri is the kind of person that needs a personal invite. Yes I do believe all the wives have an open door policy for everyone in the family but Meri does not feel welcomed. She needs them to personally say Hey I need you to come over. Or they need to go over to her place and make it a point to spend time with her. Even small things like going to the grocery store together. She needs that. And she doesn’t get that from any of them. She spends so much time alone because she doesn’t want to burden her own family with her presence. None of them understand that’s who she is right now. She is scared to reach out to people and admit she is lonely and bored. She has replaced me talking to her and spending time with her with painting. I think it’s wonderful she is painting but her painting is just another silent scream for help. And her family still doesn’t get it. They think she has moved on from me.
Too bad they don’t realize the paintings she has done that hang up in her craft room are all the things we have talked about. Even the same coloring. We would talk about nights we could spend together and 3 of those paintings are from landscapes we were at together at night. Looking at the stars with the moon so huge you couldn’t remember it was a moon. As soon as I saw the paintings I cried. Because I recognized those special places. She is crying inside, still. And none of them understand her. It has to be so frustrating and hurtful. I hope someone realizes soon that painting is helping, but it still changes nothing. She needs them to invite her or even pull her out of her house and spend quality time with her. She is craving that right now more than ever. I do know a lot about her and I know without constant attention she starts acting out and wanting to do high adventure stuff just to feel alive again. It’s so incredibly sad to me. I hope someone will say something to her about this. They need to know she will never tell them she needs them to invite her or to just make her go with them. She is in such a spot she won’t go on her own.
Christine: It’s really humiliating to think that somebody got through to one of us. I thought that we were tighter than that. But I mean, I guess we’re not. We definitely have some work to do still.
Yes you all do. On all of your relationships. Because before this season everything you presented was everything was fine and we have normal small little issues with each other. The truth is finally coming out and it’s too bad because now the show is cancelled and it’s going to get worse without that kind of income to help out.
Kody: The struggle I think that I have with it is that I got shut out because of them. I understand through your story….
Kody can not take any blame for this. He puts it on the invisible them. He is blaming me and Lindsay? For him treating his wife like shit? He is the one that made her feel so horrible she came looking for a new man in her life. He pushed her away by treating her badly and leaving her alone all of the time. This is why things between them will never fully heal. Kody does not take responsibility for any of this and he also will never admit he did anything wrong to make Meri feel unloved. He thinks what is the big deal and what is her problem now? He calls her crazy.
Meri: That’s a valid struggle. I understand that.
Kody: The explanations that you have for it, but it is…
Robyn: It might be the first step that you guys get to take is making a deal that you don’t get to shut each other out.
Robyn doesn’t have the solution and it’s not her place to try to help them. They really need to work on it themselves. So Robyn should shut up at this point. It’s nice I get she is trying to help, but she can’t help them with anything between them.
Janelle: I’ve wondered who we do that all the way around. You know one thing about living in the separate houses it has allowed us to be more separate when we lived in one house together you had to interact. The kids were little, we needed each other we had to interact. You couldn’t just disappear for days at a time. Because I know Meri you sit here at your house and there’s been a couple of nights when my kids have all been gone off somewhere and I’ve thought wow this is really weird but that’s how your house is all the time.
This fear and the intimidation all happening, next door to me. To somebody that I’m seeing several times a week. It’s not just my friend who I’ve had a few years I mean it’s someone I’ve known 20 plus years. And she lives right there next to me and I see her physically several times a week and talk to her more than that and this is happening and she’s not saying anything. She’s just becoming more and more secluded.
Robyn:  I need you to realize it gets lonely at my house too in a different way not because you know I have the kids there and everything like that but I’m lonely for female companionship and someone to hang out with and its hard to get away from the kids. I feel like you have this freedom that you could do that and I crave it.
Meri: For me personally sometimes I feel like that I’ve been hurt or rejected or whatever the emotion is you know throughout the years that I’ve kind of built a wall and I don’t want to become vulnerable.
Meri: I often feel like I just want to hole up in my house and not be around anybody. And so I’ve had to really make an effort and force myself to just enjoy you know the families company and you know and I feel like I need to just start there.
This shows why she continued to text me while she was at family events with them. She forces herself to enjoy time with them because she feels hurt and rejected by all of them.
I don’t want to go over to somebody’s house to visit and they have something else going on and that’s going to feel like a little bit of a rejection to me you know.
I don’t know how to do that because I don’t want to intrude, I don’t want to overstep bounds. If Kody’s there I don’t want to come and interrupt, I don’t want to interrupt your time with…
Robyn: Listen your fucking place is here, okay?
Again, Robyn telling Meri what she wants Meri to do. Now giving her Meri space and time to speak for herself.
Meri: I know that now.
Christine: Robyn’s mad because she feels betrayed. I’m sure. Robyn is mad she was betrayed by the whole thing. Her and Meri were very, very, very close.
Robyn has no reason to feel betrayed. She was in on it from June and on. She knew Meri was having an affair so she has no reason to be mad. It’s interesting now how Robyn and Christine now all of a sudden have become close. You would think someone that cares so much for Meri would put it into overdrive and really do more to spend time with her. Not leave her and buddy up with someone new. I do believe the whole Robyn and Christine new found friendship is bullshit. I don’t believe it for a minute. Not from all I heard about Meri involving those two Lol
Kody: I want to add though that’s just one dimension of this situation. Because I was right here. I was in the house when you were taking calls from these people. And when those calls became more important than us and when those calls started to interrupt our life and I don’t know why you asked me to stop coming around. Is that because you thought we were bugged and you didn’t want them to hear anything between you and I? So I didn’t understand what was going on but I, my biggest struggle in this entire thing Meri is that while I was sitting here I felt like I had been kicked to the curb while you made friends and then enemies with these bad people. And I was never included in it, I never understood what it was. I just felt like, you know can’t stop her from having friends but all of that became so much more important than anything between us or any communication with us and then when it all went bad you kept it quiet from me. I understand embarrased or afraid of what I would do or how I would be about it, but I was right here. So it’s deeper than just the fact that we have our friends and our family right here with us. It was much deeper than that. My, here’s my thing Meri is and I’m not trying to be gacentric, I’m just I was just interpreting this, this way. That you didn’t want to be out of the family you just wanted out of your relationship with me. Is that right? Because that’s how I feel.
I called and she would talk to me on the phone with Kody sitting on the chair or couch Lol She got off on that. She would even say I love you to me before she hung up in front of him. I said isn’t he going to know who it is and she said no. He doesn’t know who I’m talking to and I don’t care.
He is right that she wanted out of the relationship with him.
Meri: Kody this person got so far into my head that I didn’t know what end was up sometimes. And I’m still trying to get her out of there.
Kody: You seem so angry I didn’t feel like I could get to you. I didn’t feel like we could even talk.
Again she goes back to calling me this person. Not sticking with her story that the catfish person is female as she claims earlier in this same conversation.
Meri: There were times that I was angry at you Kody I’m not going to lie. I’m, I was angry at you. Because if you and I had been taking better care of our relationship than I wouldn’t have been in such a vulnerable place that I would have been open to other friendships that would lead to this kind of deception and evil. So I was angry at you for not being there for me. So I was angry at you I had those moments but I was so angry at him and her and them and it and whatever the hell it is. So angry.
Again confusing the pronoun because she can not stick to her story. She flip flops the truth to suit whatever question she is addressing.
Director: What’s going on here between Kody and Meri? I mean does she have a point?
Christine: Oh it’s not my, the thing is as a sister wife I would never ever comment on a situation like that that’s breaking the sister wife code. That’s a private thing between Meri and Kody. There’s no way. None of us are going to comment on that.
Kody plays the wives against each other. Meri told me he does that. It used to be if he was fighting with a wife he would come talk to Meri about it and get some insight. Now he goes to Robyn. And Robyn is someone that butts in when she shouldn’t. She has good intentions and she is really sweet to be concerned but she has no business getting into someone else’s marriage. Believe me I know that now Lol Kody will try to come off as the victim and not tell the full truth of what the fight was about or own up to what he really said. Meri told me several times the wives discovered he was not being fully honest about things once things calmed down. So they all do discuss their marriages with each other. Not in full detail but they do share things.
Meri: All the all the deception it was like every single bit of it was a lie and I get angry at myself for getting so upset about it like I cared. Like I don’t care she messed with the wrong person and I want to use really bad words but she messed with the wrong person.
The lies are on her side. Not mine. She did care that’s why she continues to get emotional about it. No one messed with her. She has created this story to protect her own ass. She is lying and it really pisses me off.
Kody: It’s weird. It’s just a tough place to be. I can only imagine how vulnerable how abused she feels. Who would you ever trust again?
Chrstine: How did you end it with her? How did you stop? Just…
Meri: Well there was no way that he could back out of all the how do I say this…
Kody: All the lies?
Meri: There was so much that he could cover up somehow…
I started taking my power back. But I had to do it very carefully and I would, I would push a little bit. And then I would see what they were doing and it would scare me so I’d back off. These predators know how to play in your head and they know how to find people who are vulnerable. And that’s exactly what she did. I’m scared as all get out because I don’t know what she could do but I know I have to do something.
I said okay you’ve been lying to me for all this time and if you want to keep talking to me you have to meet me. So we set up a place and a time and he kept saying well can we keep talking or texting until then? And I said no. I mean this has gone on for way too long if you are a real person we’re going to meet or we are not ever going to talk again. He never showed and he kept trying to say well let’s talk, let’s text whatever. And I said we will continue that after we meet and so yeah that was it. Never talked again.
That’s not at all what happened Lol And this proves once again she is lying. What happened is we had been fighting for a few weeks because she was not doing things to get ready to move. I was frustrated and upset because she was breaking promises to me about that. I stopped talking to her and then she said we need to talk. Then she stopped talking to me and finally she said you need to meet me up at Tropical Smoothie so we can talk. I told her no. I didn’t want to talk about any of this anymore. I wanted it over with. I realized she wasn’t going to leave for whatever her reasons and I was done. I told her I would not meet with her to talk and that I’m not going to show up. She got pissed and said fine then we won’t talk anymore. So we stopped talking. Then a week went by and she contacted me. Again she says meet with me and we can go right back to being together. I said fine and picked a date. She said she would be in Colorado and couldn’t. So then I said the following day at Tropical Smoothie at 6pm. I showed up on that date. She didn’t. I waited 45 minutes then left. And that was it. I walked away because she didn’t show up to talk. And I have never talked to her since. I completely left her alone. Now she has contacted me several times. And she has our mutual friend talk to me to try to send me messages.
Her story goes against everything that her bullying, blackmailing, and catfishing person would do. Why would someone that she claims is obsessed with her all of a sudden just stop talking to her? It makes no sense at all. And the bigger question is if I was bullying, blackmailing, catfishing her why in the hell would she plan to meet up with me? Lol If I’m a monster as she want to claim I am, why do that?
She even said in her own story that she offered to continue to talking to me once we met. Does that make any sense to anyone at all? Remember her story is that I’m female, that I’m catfishing and blackmailing her. Why would she tell me she would continue? Makes no sense to anyone. And this is one of the biggest shifts in this whole affair. After that got aired on tv a LOT of people changed their tune on me. I started getting a ton of apologies from people that realized that I wasn’t lying. That all of my proof is real and that I am real. I started getting support and have made some very cool new friends now. All because people realized Meri was telling lies.
This person doesn’t exist. There is no proof of any guy. But the only thing that I can stick with is I’m a real person I’m here I did not have an affair and I will do all I can to help anybody else that’s ever in this situation because unfortunately there are a lot.
She had an affair. If she was really interested in helping anyone she would name names. She won’t and hasn’t. Because subconsciously she is still protecting me. Because she knows when she can finally leave she may have a chance with me once again. A real chance this time. If she puts my name on this or if she makes things worse for Lindsay by saying her name then she knows how pissed I will be and she may lose me forever. That’s what she told someone about why she will not name names.
Robyn: I know now that what Meri was doing was trying to protect the family from this person. That was victimizing her. But her pulling back from the family was very difficult for us.
Victimizing her how? Prove it. Where is one thing of proof that Meri has been victimized. Again this is slander, libel, and defamation.
Meri: I was really afraid of saying anything to you guys because I felt really guilty for bringing it in and inviting it into the family.
Janelle: Do you know I feel like the family is kind of standing at a crossroads. We can continue to do things the way that we have been and just try to include Meri more or we can choose to go to this next level and the only reason I’m even thinking of it in these terms is because I’ve realized in my own relationship with Meri there’s a whole deeper level of conversation that we never have. And so it is a choice we will have to make as a family and it’s a really scary choice. Being emotionally vulnerable to somebody is probably the scariest thing I think. The scariest thing, ever.
Christine: You know Meri is alone. Janelle is expressing that she sees that she’s going to be alone too there has to be a change in our regular cycles and it’s hard to think where to put that in.
Meri: So I was afraid of how you guys would react knowing that I brought this in because I invited it in. And I’m really sorry for that.
This is not over. There’s a lot of stuff to figure out. And we still have this person doing things and causing problems for us. I know it’s going to be a lot of work I know this is not a let’s talk about it this one day and everything is going to be perfect and happy and we’ll be back to normal. I know there is a lot of work to do.
Again with this person. She does not wrap this up saying a female catfished me. She ends this huge confession with this person.
Kody: I’m sorry Meri. I’m sorry that all this happened.
Meri: Me too.
Kody: We’ll be here for you. We’ll take care of you. Okay? Alright?
It will be okay.
Meri: I know.
I could see her lying so many times during this. And she continues to bite her bottom lip which was always a single of I love you to me.

127th Voicemail – June 7th, 2015

This was the day I couldn’t sleep. I had a lot of stress left over from the Kendra issues. I was worried, I’m not going to lie. I was really worried that internet rumors were going to be our downfall. How ironic is that now? We had plans to meet up with Lindz I think for supper on this day. Either way, we were back to be sweet to each other and very in love. Just a few insecurities started to surface.

127th Voicemail 6-7-2015 2:17pm

Hey I told you I would try calling you this afternoon. So this is me trying to call. Anyway, yeah. Just call me when you can. When you got time, I know you are busy. Alright I’ll talk to you later. Bye.

Img_2455 Img_2455 IMG_2457 IMG_2458 IMG_2459 IMG_2462 IMG_2463 IMG_2464 IMG_2466 IMG_2467 IMG_2468 IMG_2469 IMG_2472 IMG_2473 IMG_2474 IMG_2475 IMG_2476 IMG_2479 IMG_2480 IMG_2481 IMG_2482 IMG_2483 IMG_2484 IMG_2487 IMG_2488 IMG_2489 IMG_2491 IMG_2492