The Father, his Sons, and the Holy what?

image  Today is the first of my sons’ 7 sacraments. I couldn’t be prouder! I have on my best suit, fresh haircut, my grandfather’s watch and my great grandmother’s cross. I’m ready to stand in Church with a lot of my family and friends to present my children to God and ask He bless their souls for all of eternity. My godparents are prepared and warned not to do anything to embarrass their godchildren or me. The party afterwards will be ready in the hotel ballroom we rented. Not sure that’s a normal thing but what do I know. I wanted everyone at my house for lasagna and spaghetti buffet. Instead we are doing a 2 course buffet starting with a 3 meat option and 10 side dishes with homemade dinner rolls. Followed up by an 8 option dessert buffet with cake Lol I don’t think my event planner has done many of these but at least I talked her out of the all seafood menu she started with. They aren’t even 3 months old why on Earth I greenlit this entire party is beyond me. I’m overcompensating for the fact they have no mom and I have no female in my life telling me to scale this party back so we went way overboard. I just want everyone to meet my boys today, have a great time and help us celebrate God blessing us all with this day.

Lindsay decided to take 6 of my girl cousins out last night. The staggered in at 5:45AM! so there’s that to deal with later. She plopped on my couch and said “I just need a baby kitten nap get me up in a half hour.” So I returned the boat horn waking she did on all of us yesterday and woke her up with her mother standing over yelling at her she’s late for school Lol I gave her $20 to do that. Lindsay started laughing and said it brought back bad memories Lol

Andrew has been a huge help. He has helped me wrangle all of my family and made sure we all got to the restaurant last night for family dinner. Then helped me, Ben, and Trina get everyone over to the hotels and bring back my older family to my home for the night. Drew and I didn’t get to bed until 1:30 because we were talking about today’s plan when he said to me “You do know the girls snuck out and stole your Escalade, right?” No! Lindsay!! Lol

God I swear on my mother if you could shut Lindsay’s mouth for the 10 minutes she will be standing up there with me today I promise to do extra Church ushering or whatever I can to pay you back. Please Lord do not let her mouth start jawing off on how there is no God and this whole “baby sprinkling” (Her words, not mine) is “utter crap”. I will be good for the rest of this week…I mean month! Amen Lol

Heaven help me its family picture time. Proud of my boys. This is the first time I’m bringing them out in public. They are on a look but don’t touch policy today. I pray this whole day goes as smooth as it can.

Wish us luck!

God loves you and my boys and I love you too!

To adopt or not

Yesterday evening I went to an orientation meeting to find out about adoption in the State of Illinois. It lasted about an hour. I went in with a list of questions and had even more questions after I listened to everything. There were only 4 other people there so I felt okay about asking so many things. I went home with a head full of information and a lot to consider.

My cousin’s 18 year old daughter is pregnant with twin boys. They are due in March. She wants to give them up. That’s what started me thinking about this whole thing. And the thought that now with everything going on, who is going to want me now, I am seriously considering it. I am going to pray all weekend and meditate on it. It is a huge decision.

Or maybe I don’t want to adopt the boys and go with a domestic or international adoption. I never thought I would have so many choices. I just want to have kids. And I don’t want to wait around anymore hoping to meet someone to make everything happen. It’s time I start doing things that I want. This whole mess has taught me how many years I have been praying for things without putting action behind it. I’m ready to go. I have always wanted kids. I had wavered back and forth on it for years. Thinking I am too old, it cuts out a lot of my traveling. It’s a lot. I want a family. And I am ready to get my family anyway I can. I think adopting is a calling for me. Adopting has always been something I was interested in but never thought it would work out for me. After last night I’m realizing how easy it would be, it’s a lot of waiting and hoops. Both things I can deal with.

With a kinship adoption that causes some issues within my family. Yes my cousin wants her daughter to have a future. And her daughter has talked to me for a few weeks about this. She says she trusts me with them. She will be able to know for sure how they are doing. And she will be able to spend time with them anytime she wants. She would want an open adoption anyway. For them it’s the perfect solution. For me I see it as other family members causing problems. On Monday if I’m going forward with it I will need to contact an adoption family law and start the process. There will be home studies, all kinds of things I have to set up and go through to get this going.

I just don’t know. It’s a really big decision. And I need God to help me decide.

Have a great weekend everyone! God loves you and I love ya’ll too!

 

Inquiry

The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become peaceful inside.

peace1This is my favorite 2 quotes on peace. I can’t share with you all that I know of peace, but I can share how I got there. I grew up in a household divided. My dad was loud, mean, drunk, abusive, and rude. My mom was quiet, soft spoken, scared, and passive. It was like living with 2 people that had no idea why they were together. And that came up a lot. But yet they stayed together until my dad passed away. I didn’t realize inner peace until I moved out when I was 16. I simply could not take it anymore. The fights were getting worse, my dad was getting louder, my mom was getting sadder, more quiet. And my little brother was always upset with everybody. When I left home I found that I really enjoy and crave the quiet. It’s where I can do all of my prayers and reflective thinking. I have never really focused on what I don’t have going on in my life. I focus most of my prayers on the good works I am and want to continue doing. I focus on asking God to use my life in service to others. And in doing so, I will find my own peace. It’s all I have ever wanted. Every birthday wish was please God, let me parents not fight today. I asked for peace constantly. And I did get it sometimes. It wasn’t all chaos, just mostly.

When I started going through therapy after my fiancee and baby passed away, I realized how angry I was. I was really angry about growing up in that household. I was angry that God had taken the woman that I loved and the son I had wanted so badly. I was angry that I let my life be guided by doing what everyone else wanted me to do, instead of doing what I wanted just once. I found that anger started coming out in rages with the therapist. Instead of going in there crying, like I really thought would happen, I would leave really pissed off and looking for a fight. I lost my sense of stability, foundation and love. And I was trying to get it back. But I had to find a new source of love. I had to start with myself.

I found out through reading so many books and really digging into the Bible, that I am the teacher I’ve been waiting for. I am the one who can end my own suffering. If I kept beating myself up for the things I lost, I would never find the things I needed. And that was love, companionship, trust, and peace. I had become focused on what I thought shouldn’t have happened to me. But God taught me that it should, because it did. I was trying to make my mind believe that it didn’t really happen. It took me a few weeks to realize she really, really wasn’t ever coming home. And that pissed me off. I wanted her home. I needed her home. And I suffered greatly not letting that thought go. Much of my stress came from mentally living elsewhere. I was not living in my present life. I was looking back, or looking forward and feeling lost both ways. All of the answers I ever needed were always available inside of me. I know what’s best for my life. I know what I want. I know what I need. But I wasn’t living for that. I was living for anger and suffering. I was playing victim 24/7 because I shut myself down. I wasn’t talking, I wasn’t hanging out with my friends, or doing anything other than working and coming home. I didn’t want to have people over, I didn’t want to answer the phone so I could be asked “How are you holding up”. I wanted to be quiet, still, and alone. And I suffered greatly.

What I found out, was that every stressful moment I experienced was a gift that pointed me to my own freedom. Then I found a book that changed everything. I learned to start looking into my own thoughts. I found that the questions in the book made me really stop and think. A powerful way of prompting myself was to add “and it means what” to anything that I was angry, sad, or hurt about. I learned from this book that I was doing this to myself. People were being nice to me, asking how I was holding up. I was getting pissed because I didn’t want to talk. And I found out I didn’t want to talk because that would mean I would have to let her go. The more I talked about her and our son, the more they became accepted as gone forever. And I didn’t want that at all. I was suffering greatly in the thought of what I thought I should have in my life. I had to ask myself how did I react when I think the thought, she shouldn’t have passed away. My son shouldn’t have passed away. I got upset. I got angry.  I cried. I didn’t want them gone. I wanted them with me so I could take care of them and love them. But that was no longer true for me. I began to notice the internal cause and effect of that question. My human nature is for truth, and when you oppose it, you don’t feel like yourself. I would never be myself again. And I knew it. And I suffered greatly.

But I also became a character in the pages of a myth of my suffering. I told myself all these crazy stories about what I could have done to save them, even though there was no possible way I could have. I told myself what if I was driving in the car with them. Maybe I would have gone and they would be okay. Which I asked God about day after day. Why them, why not me. She didn’t deserve this. Our baby boy didn’t deserve this. I reacted to these myths by living in a stressed body, seeing everything through fearful eyes and not living.

I had to begin investigating this suffering. I had to start inquiring all of these questions about myself that I really didn’t want to answer. I had to start noticing, not dropping the thoughts. I’m really good at not talking about my feelings. But that doesn’t cultivate any type of healthy relationship with anyone.

Who would I be without the thought?

Who would I be without the thought my fiancee and our son should not have died?

This one was tough. I didn’t want to write those words, let alone think about them. But this book said I needed to. So I did. I thought about it and I would be more at peace with reality.  I would stop suffering and realize they died. I died inside too. And letting go of the should, as hard as it was, freed me. People can barely recognize themselves freed from the limitations of their stories. What I learned was a heartfelt apology to myself was a simple way to undo an error and being again on an equal and guiltless basis. Apologizing and making amends to myself was for my own sake. I had to stop thinking they shouldn’t have died, and start thinking I should live. Because that’s what I was missing. I was missing my life. I was missing all these wonderful gifts God had for me. I was missing love, companionship, trust, and peace. And it’s all I wanted in my life.

I learned that I am willing to create openness, creativity, and flexibility in my thinking. My inner freedom became an expression of love and ease in the world. I began to tell everyone how much I loved them. Because I learned that life is short. And tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Not them, not me, not my family, not my friends. No one. And I became humbled by my experiences. I became kind, and loving. No longer angry and scared. I was living in fear, but loving the fear for teaching me lessons.

You have to answer the questions about your life without anyone elses judgement. Don’t we already judge ourselves too much? All those shouldn’t you tell yourself, are they really true? You shouldn’t change jobs? You shouldn’t talk to someone? You shouldn’t be angry and hurt? Is that really true?

I love my life. I love everything I have lost, I love everything I have found. And I love this book. It taught me what I needed most, that I was causing this suffering all on my own. It also taught me how to stop suffering by re-writing my new story. And after 10 years of staying alone, angry, and scared I found happiness and inner peace.

Then I found love 😉

God loves you guys and I love ya’ll too! Have a great weekend!