Last Call

it's_not_goodbye...-1920061  Neither one of us said Goodbye. Neither one of us wanted it to end. But we agreed to end it and we both walked away. The only difference is I left her completely alone. We broke up August 23rd, 2015. I am working on a long explanation post to sum all of this up. It will better explain a lot of things and probably answer some questions that I continue to get. With proof 😉

 

215th Voicemail July 28th, 2015 1:02am
https://vimeo.com/166581137
Sam it’s really not fair for you to be so upset with me when I’m honest with you. You asked me to do that. I am open and honest with you. I am emotional because I love you, okay? I’m telling you that I am doing this stupid dinner. I don’t get it. You told me be open, honest, be angry, whatever and I will support you in love.
216th Voicemail July 28th, 2015 1:08am
https://vimeo.com/166581269
Sorry for hanging up on you. I love you. Bye.
217th Voicemail July 28th, 2015 2:11am and 2:13am
https://vimeo.com/166581414
Hi. I saw that you said that you did say you called back and you left a voicemail but there’s no voicemail so I don’t know what you are saying. Sorry I hung up. I just needed your strength in that moment and I didn’t have it and I’m just upset. It frustrates me sometimes. Gosh. You just said that I was going to have that from you when I was having a hard time and you didn’t give it to me and I just needed it. Anyway, okay.
and then
So your message finally came through and I finally listened to it. I need you to know………. (Kody walked in on her)
218th Voicemail July 28th, 2015 12:06pm
https://vimeo.com/166581612
You know what Sam you’re pissing me off. You want to hear my honest feelings? You’re making me really mad. Quit baffling back and forth. This is stupid. Get on the phone. Have a conversation with me. Quit running away. Just knock it off, quit running away. Take that stupid tweet off. That’s ridiculous. When you know it’s over, you know. Really? Take that off the phone right now or off the tweet right now. Get it off. Call me back.
219th Voicemail July 28th, 2015 6:04pm
https://vimeo.com/166581721
You know I did talk to you earlier today about wanting to get together this afternoon and do something and hang out.
220th Voicemail August 13th, 2015 8:21pm
https://vimeo.com/166582533
Please hear the sincerity in my voice and in my heart honey. I am here for you. You are what I want at the end of this. I am what you want at the end of this. Please let that happen honey. It’s not about money or cars or houses or trips or businesses or anything. It’s just you and me, please. Please let me talk to you. Baby I love you. I know you’re still mad and I understand it. I understand your frustration.

221st Voicemail August 13th, 2015 8:53pm
https://vimeo.com/166582623
Samuel, why are you telling me to stop. What do you want me to stop doing? Trying to get through to you? I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t know why you are ignoring me.
222nd Voicemail August 14th, 2015 10:04pm
https://vimeo.com/166582703
So it’s been like 45 minutes since you sent me that text that said “WTF, why would you send that to me if he (Kody) said that to you?” You know those texts. And I explained to you, you know  in a bunch of texts  after that and I called you and stuff. So now I don’t know if you are just mad and ignoring me or if you’re busy or you’ve fallen asleep. Or if you’re just ignoring me. I have no idea. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be calling.
223rd Voicemail August 14th, 2015 10:09pm
https://vimeo.com/166582766
I don’t know. I guess I’ll stop calling you and texting you tonight because I don’t. Maybe I’m pissing you off. I don’t know. I just don’t even know. I hope you’ll call me back. I really do. I really want you to. You know. I sent you all those pictures and stuff of my day and stuff and I’m not even getting a response on those.
224th Voicemail August 15th, 2015 12:53pm
https://vimeo.com/166597496
Hey baby I just wanted to tell you I love you.
225th Voicemail August 15th, 2015 5:02pm
https://vimeo.com/166659659
I hope to see you very soon. I’m just hanging out here and I’m just thinking about you and I’m just feeling really peaceful. Just thought I would try touching base with you.
226th Voicemail August 16th, 2015 2:07pm
https://vimeo.com/166659720
I’m just watching for you. I’m waiting for you. You said you would be here and you’re not going anywhere so I’m watching for you.
227th Voicemail August 17th, 2015 12:29pm
https://vimeo.com/166659807
Hey baby I’m home. Wanted to let you know and call me and yeah. Just call me, okay? I love you.
228th Voicemail August 18th, 2015 3:51pm
https://vimeo.com/166659831
Hey, so over 2 hours with no communication was just way too much for me so I’m just trying to touch base with you. I miss you. Anyway, call me when you can, okay. I love you babe, bye.
229th Voicemail August 19th, 2015 11:37am
https://vimeo.com/166659862
Hey baby, just trying to touch base with you. Haven’t heard from you. Anyway, give me a call. Bye.
230th Voicemail August 20th, 2015 1:24pm
https://vimeo.com/166663671
Where are you baby? I love you give me a call. Love you, bye.
231st Voicemail August 21st, 2015 9:16am
https://vimeo.com/166663703
Hanging up on me is not nice, it’s not kind, it’s not sweet, it’s not cool. I don’t know why you do that. All I’m saying is that I care about the fact that you have another appointment and you didn’t have to cancel it just because I wanted to be on the phone. I want to be on the phone with you when you are available. I am trying to be considerate of your time I don’t need to be hung up on. That was rude. I have been trying to be nice and sweet all day long. Trying to be caring. Okay.
232nd Voicemail August 28th, 2015 8:16pm
https://vimeo.com/166664100
I literally don’t know what to do. Because you ask me to push you and you ask me to tell you, how much, what I want and what I need and how much I love you. And yet when I try to do that you just don’t answer and you won’t let me talk to you. And. You get frustrated when I’m trying to push you. I’m really trying to find the balance here. I really am. I’m trying to do what you want and what you need. This has to do with history (With Kody) has nothing to do with anything. Like, if you don’t want me to bug you then I’ll back off and not bug you. But I don’t want to back off and not bug you. I want to shake you and say listen to me damn it. I want to shake you and say let’s fix this damn it. Don’t walk away. You can’t fix it when you walk away. Gosh. I love you. Don’t you get it? I want you. Why else would I fight for you? Why else would I fight…
The End August 30th, 2015 10:26am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hrtk7XCmgf0
Sam I need you to know that I love you. Okay? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You told me once that you were not going anywhere, well you told me lots of times, that you weren’t going anywhere either. I know the last couple of days have been a struggle and I’m really, really sorry that it’s been hard for you. I just need you to know that I’m just working on what I’m working on and I hope that you come back to me. You know you’ve said that you would never leave, you said that you would always be here. You’ve said that you would wait for me. Lindsay said the same thing that you were never going anywhere. She’s said to me  too many times how much you love me. And I’m just going to have to trust, and hope, and pray that that’s really, really true. And that you really do and that you are coming back. So I just want you to know that I love you and I’m just going to focus on my stuff and pray that you’ll come back to me. I see that you’ve blocked me off of your twitter and I don’t know if you’ve blocked me off of your phone so I don’t know if you’ll even get this message or not. I just don’t know how that works, but, anyway. I just love you and I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not saying goodbye. I promise. I made you a promise. And I’m keeping my promise. I’m not saying goodbye. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to stay working for you, working towards you, and hope that you’re there. I’m really sorry that you’ve had a rough couple of days. I’m really sorry that in your words that I’ve fucked up your life or that you’re in, you’re in, your life is all fucked up because you are with me is more how you put it now that I’ve messed it up. Anyway. I love you…

This is both a message and a prayer

Image1
Dear Meri,
My baby. God is urging me to write this to you. I can’t explain why yet because I don’t even understand it myself. I realize that after tomorrow the spotlight on me, on us will be gone. So this is my last effort to try to reach out to you. No one will pay attention to anything I have to say after tomorrow. I am so excited this is all going to be over with. I feel like I can move on with my life and really find out what I’m made of. You haven’t made this very easy on me baby. It’s been hard hearing you cry. Hearing you say the things that we both know you are being told how to phrase it. Good tv. Ratings. Sell it. You think I don’t know the pressure to make this palpable. I get it. I want you to know I really do get it. And I don’t care. You do what you need to do. Say what you need to say. I can take it. Because my feelings aren’t what matter to me today.
You told me how many times all you ever wanted is for someone to fight for you. So here I am. My heart in my hands pleading with you to listen to me one more time. Just once more. If you offer me the grace to read this, feel me. Feel that my heart is still with you.
Meri I have never stopped loving you. I asked you to stay open to me from the beginning. I said that because I felt something special between us. I never knew it was going to lead us into the greatest love I have ever found. Staying open with you brought me to a new level of happiness. I felt invincible. I felt like I could take on anything. But most of all my love, I felt like I could take care of you.
You grew up in a way that I can never understand. I didn’t even realize that the cult mentality you lived within was all you knew. You do not recognize the abnormality of it. The stories you shared from your younger days I was blown away. It was shocking to hear the things you were surrounded by. And how you overcame all of it. But did you really? Maybe you are still that little girl that once felt scared, alone, and not safe. Maybe you have grown into this beautiful, smart, loving, caring woman that I fell in love with, yet you are still that scared, alone little girl that doesn’t feel safe.
I was your safe place. I was your strength. Your support. Your unconditional love. And I screwed up. I walked away from you the very moment I should have turned back and ran to get you. Meri I have kicked myself every single second that I didn’t come bang on your door that day and say come home with me. I should have. Meri I should have come got you. My God, why didn’t I do that? That is the pain inside of me. That is all of the hope for our love fading away.
Meri everyday without you I am lost. I don’t have my girl to talk to anymore. I don’t get to see those amazing eyes light up anymore. Do you know how much I miss you? Do you know that I regret not coming to get you? I fucked up Meri. I really fucked up by not coming to get you. When you told me to meet you at Tropical Smoothie on the day we planned, I showed up. By then we weren’t even talking. It was just a plan we made. I was there. And I waited for you. You didn’t show up and that’s when I realized it was really over for good.
I should have fought harder for you. I should have been kinder and sweeter. Meri I should have protected you. I was your safe place. You trusted me. You counted on me. And you loved me. My gosh Meri you loved me so much. I know you did. I believe that you did. You had my whole heart. I was all you had for those 6 precious months. And when we were good, we were so good. We were so deeply in love. You shined so bright. Your eyes light up for me. You are the most beautiful woman in the world when you are in love. I will never forget how your beauty captured my heart.
And all the laughs Lol Oh my Meri. We laughed so much. We had such a great time talking. I loved laughing with you. You made it so easy to love you. We just clicked. We connected. We would talk, I would say something stupid and we would bust up. Or you would say something so smart that blew me away or utter me speechless then we would crack up at how quick-witted you are.
I am so sorry for anything I did to make you feel small. I don’t want you to feel like a fool because I broke down your walls. I don’t want you to feel like I never loved you. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. I love you so much Meri it’s not about me. It’s about you.
I am sorry I posted everything.

I posted everything to prove that we existed. That Sam and Meri were a real thing, not some internet rumor that was being turned into a mountain of lies.

I posted everything because my ego and my pride were being shot down and I didn’t like that feeling.

I posted everything to show the world that I did love you. I really thought that posting everything would prove that you did love me and I loved you and how could anyone ever say we weren’t in love.
Then I realized today, just today, that posting everything was not about me at all. It was about you.
I posted everything as a gift to you Meri. I put it all out there to remind you of the times we had.
I posted it so you could hear how happy you were when you knew the love of one man who only had you to love.
I posted everything to hurt you into finding yourself.
I posted everything to give you your freedom.
You don’t realize it, you may not get it yet but someday you will be thankful that I posted everything. Because this moment in your life, I changed who you are. I either pissed you off so badly you are beginning to fight for your voice OR what I am really hoping has happened, I have reminded you that you are very, very important. And that you should have never lived in mute all of the past 5 years.
I showed you what 6 months of freedom would feel like. I gave you the gift of hope so that you could feel love from someone that only had you in mind. I wanted you to be mine. I prayed to God for you Meri. Even before I met you. I prayed God would bring someone in my life to shake things up and make me fall madly in love. That’s exactly what you have done. Here I am. Madly in love with you! Meri! And you’re gone…
Because I didn’t fight for you I lost you. Because I didn’t love you more than I loved myself, I didn’t come get you. I should have I swear to God if I could get that moment back again I would have said stay right there I’m coming to the park to get you. I swear on my son Meri I would have picked you!
You can go on national tv and tell everyone that I catfished you, tell everyone how “abusive” I almost was or whatever it was you said. You can continue to vilify me in the press, and tv and anywhere else you need to. But know that through all of this I’m no longer taking it personal. I truly get why you are saying those things out loud. I get it. I know why. Yes at first it was killing me. It made me cry. It made me very angry and disappointed. But I know the truth. You know the truth. You and I are the only ones on Earth that know our truth. I really do understand why you are saying those things.
I am a strong man. I always have been. I am strong enough to handle all of my hurts. And I am strong enough to handle all of yours too. The back that people are trying to break by laying on all of these lies and false stories about me can’t be broken. I’m standing here saying pile it all on because I’m going to stand up and hold all of this on my shoulders. I can get through anything Meri because of the love you showed me. And boy do I need it now more than ever. This has been hard. I’m not talking about hard on me, I’m talking about this has to be so hard on you. And I’m not there to hold you. I’m not there to comfort you in the way I know how. I can’t say Meri I love you, I just love you over and over and over again when you are having your fits and really upset. I can’t stand with you and hold your hand and love you through this.
I’m outside your gates now. And I deserve to be. But if you ever want to come outside to find me, I’m here.
I am offering you the friendship we started out with. No one has to know, or everyone can know. We don’t have to hide us anymore. I want you to know in your life, I will always be there for you. In anyway you want because a life without you, I’m not doing that very well. I am trying Meri but looking at my future, how in the hell am I supposed to do this without you? Maybe you feel the same way too?
We lost each other the moment I walked away. I gave you up and I wish I hadn’t. Please read this someday. I’m not writing this thinking you will run right over and have a look. I’m not asking anyone to send this to you. Please don’t do that anyone that sees this. Leave her alone. I’m writing it and sticking it online. Maybe in a couple of years you will think about us and smile and wonder what I’m up to. That’s why I am writing this. For that moment in a couple of years. And you will see that on November 21st, 2015 I wrote this last letter to you with a full heart of love. And I asked you to find your way back to me.
Stay open Meri. Stay open to me. Let’s see what could happen. Again.
You are my soulmate. You are my greatest love. And no matter what my life will become, you will always be the woman that left the protective film over her cellphone camera and snapped blurry photos for months. Until I came into your life, asked why is your world so blurry, here let me show you how to get a clearer picture. And I took off your protective shell around your heart. And your cellphone Lol
I love you Meri. I have loved you since the very first phone call when I made you laugh before you could even say Hello Samuel.You mean everything to me. And I’m here. I know we can’t talk. I know we can’t be together. I will wait for our Not Yet to maybe someday turn into the Yet we dreamed of.
Je t’aime de tout mon coeur et de mon ame. You are my dream come true. My heart will wait. And if you never come at least I know I tried. Because that’s the only way I can live with myself now. I fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing. You are an amazing woman. Your heart is so pure and good. You are a good woman. You are kind, loving, sweet, funny, my gosh so funny, smart, gifted, talented, and sentimental. And you don’t even realize how special you really are. Give yourself permission to leave. Give yourself the freedom to choose. Don’t stay because of your obligations. Live your life. You have lived the life you thought you had to. I am giving you your freedom to choose. Go if you want to go, stay if you want to stay. Meri, if you are happy there, I hope and pray you stay forever. I really do. You are free Meri. Live, your life. You have done all you can do for everyone else.

This is your time.

It’s your life.

Be extraordinary.

Be You.
Come find me my love. You found me once, you can find me again. We are fate. We are connected. We are meant. We are Serendipity.

I love you Meri.
Love Always,

Samuel