School, Princess time, laundry

I’m deep in this SPL (See Title) life right now. The boys had a good time the first day by themselves. The 2 hours goes by very fast. Before I know it I’m back in the truck to go get them. I do like that they are getting a big head start to their education. I really fretted if this was a good decision. I also told myself if it wasn’t I’m pulling them out.

My daughter is going crazy with all of her new pink princess birthday stuff. She hasn’t even played with all of it but she’s trying. She loves the kitchen set and getting out the little plates. I’m about 40 pounds heavier on pretend food because as soon as I gobble up the air whatever she made, she goes back and gets me more. I had an awesome dad joke right there about empty calories but it just flew right out of my head. I’m getting old, guys.

Is it just me or with all of these people living in my house, do I always seem to be doing some form of laundry? We just found a new laundry service here that comes and gets everything and drops it back off. How cool is that? That will save me so much time. They also do dry cleaning services too. Best company ever. I hope it works out and it’s not too expensive. I like to spoil myself but even I am not too lazy to do laundry.

I’m trying out some new vegan recipes this week. Be sure to keep tabs on our Vegan food album on our Family Facebook page. That way you can see what I made and how it turned out. I’m going to live stream tonight’s supper because I’m doing a Mediterranean dish that I’m not sure how everyone will like it. I also just got in a new batman t-shirt that I want to show off so look for that also.

Everything else is going well. Jen and I have been on 3 dates now. Just small things. We texted mostly, not much talking on the phone. She’s very nice and I enjoy her company. We are keeping it friends only. I am attracted to her but right now in my life I’m not ready to a relationship. I want to focus on myself and my family life for a while. That divorce really did a number on my heart and I just need time to get over it all.

I hope you guys are having a good week. I’ve been trying hard to update more. I wish I had more fun exciting things to write about but this is my boring little life. I love it boring. Just doesn’t make much fun for you to read.

I need to go get ready to go get the munchkins. Love ya’ll!

4 kids and now she wants another one??? NO!

My wife has baby fever. She is literally trying to do things to make me want to have another baby. She said she wants to just get another one now. She said one more and we can be completely done. I said I thought we were going to adopt and she said yes we can do that too. But naturally, she wants one more and now!

No!

I’m not ready. I don’t want another one so close to Talon’s birth. We need to wait. It’s like talking her off of a baby ledge Lol She’s getting annoying about it. I told her we need to give it more time. She’s at work all day. I’m at home working and taking care of the kids with the nanny. It’s hard.

That’s why I haven’t been updating anything lately. I pop into Twitter, Facebook, and here but that’s about all I can manage.

I’m finally into a schedule for my work. We get everything ready for the day and we decided when my wife gets home than it’s mommy and daddy time. I am pitching in with all of the kids but mostly just for meals. So far it’s working out great. Until Peace gets a little more active. I told everyone we will make adjustments as much as we need to.

How is everyone doing? I’m actually pretty good. I’m feeling good. I’m working out again. Life is perfect. My wife is loving her job. She goes back and forth on if we should move back to the States or not.

It’s been a lot of fun in Paris and we are finally just getting out to explore. We do our Friday night date nights and our Saturday all day with the kids things. We take them almost everywhere. They are all doing great. My boys Lol Oh geez, my boys are something else. They are so active. I feel old chasing after them all of the time. They want to get into everything. They are working together to get stuff they shouldn’t have. It’s pretty funny listening to them plot. You get it, no you get it. It’s hilarious.

We have a big trip coming up in July for Peace’s first birthday. Other than that we won’t be going back to the States anytime soon. We have a lot of weekend trips planned. I can’t wait to hit Norway. That’s coming up next weekend. It’s going to be a 4 day trip. There is so much I want to check out.

I am finally getting back to all of my messages today so be sure to check your Inbox if you sent me something. I love all of the great messages and comments. I’m so happy we get to keep in touch. I love all you guys and can’t wait to meet you guys at my next book signings.

Have a great May 4th!

We are homebodies?

My wife and I rarely get to leave the house. Our small trips to the grocery store are the only vacations we get. We argue over who gets to leave and go to the store Lol I love my kids and they are a lot to handle. Most of the time things are great and then that 1 kid just gets wild (Alex) and then we have a mess on our hands. Trying to keep a 2-year-old quieter for the sleeping babies is impossible. My boys have a lot of activities they are into right now and we keep them on a moderately flexible schedule. It’s getting them prepared for this pre-school experience they will have in a year or so. My wife thinks we need to teach them something new everyday. I agree education is great but how about we just let them be 2 for a minute? They are learning. I do teach them stuff and they do listen to me. Well Heston listens. Alex just wants to be loud right now. That’s who he is, I try not to discourage it too much unless he’s out of control. I don’t know why they say twins are exactly alike all the time. That’s not true. My boys are polar opposites and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that.

We had a family meeting about moving Peace out of our room. She slowly crept in there little by little until I finally realized she was not going back to her room at night. I admit it took me 3 days to notice it. My wife said its just easier to keep them both in there. I disagree. Neither of us get much sleep now. The little few hours we can do at night, I’d like to at least try. Talon gets to stay in for 2 more weeks. Then he gets booted to the nursery with Peace.

I’m also aware that I’m leaving for my book tour soon and when I’m gone she’s just going to bring them back into the bedroom anyway Lol

How is everyone doing? All of the school shooting coverage comes over here sporadically. We have CNN go on our ipads so we can keep up to date on what’s going on in the States. I do get some Twitter updates on “Breaking News” but honestly most breaking news items aren’t. They over hype that stuff way too much.

We are settling into life with 4 kids. My wife wants more kids with me. I am happy to oblige I just want to wait a few years to see if we can handle these 4. I adopted Peace and we had Talon so close together we will be raising them almost as we are raising the twins. They will be in the same grade in school. They will both share a room until we need to separate them. I pray they will always be close. I know their older brothers will look out for them when they all grow up. It’s fun. It’s also really exhausting and a lot of hard work. Being a stay at home parent is harder than I thought. I have all of this free time and then the entire day blows by and I realize I didn’t get one thing done on my To Do list. It keeps happening. I need to focus. The past 2 months I’ve just done things when I wanted to do them. I need to get it together. Thankfully we have a maid that comes over 2 times a week to help clean up and do laundry. I’m doing the best I can to keep things picked up but my kids are disaster zones. They go into a room and 5 minutes later it’s trashed Lol I swear all day long all I do is feed, clean, pick up on and on and on. Does anyone else feel like that?

When I back from my book tour my wife said she’s going to start looking for a job. She wants to continue in law. She’s very good at it and I support whatever she wants to do 100%. She just doesn’t know what to do. She said she will figure something out and then it’s my turn to figure out what I want to do. She said I can have 3 months off in my “retirement” and then I’m going to drive her nuts and I need to go do something. I don’t really drive her nuts it’s just the fact that I’m always home. She liked it when I was gone 10 hours a day during the week. When she was on bed rest the last few weeks of her pregnancy she said she liked it. It wasn’t that hard she was just uncomfortable. She realized she doesn’t want to be a full-time stay at home mom. She also does not want to work from home. She knows her limits and she would want to stop work to go play with the kids. Or the kids would come find her and bug her until she was not working. She knows what will work best and I told her our 3 nannies aren’t going anywhere. Go do you. Whatever that is.

I have some ideas for myself I just don’t know which one to pick yet. I know I’m not an author or writer so don’t worry about anymore books coming out of me Lol This whole editing process on my 2 existing books was enough. There’s a lot to it and I’m happy it’s done.

Any ideas on what my next big career path should be? We were offered a podcast about our family but I told them no. I don’t want to open my life up like that. I’m very private and prefer to share what I control to share. Not throw out a podcast on a weekly basis and let the entire world comment on it. No thanks. My story is my story and I just don’t like giving away the direction the content would go. I like doing the podcast with my friend once or twice a month. Her show is awesome and I enjoy doing it with her but she’s got way more free time than I do. She only has 2 kids. Single mom and she’s really making a name for herself. I’ve known her for years. Great person. I just don’t see myself doing anything like that.

I don’t know, guys. What should I do next?

Weekend Update

This weekend was awesome. We stayed in the city and everyone got to do a lot of things they have been wanting to do. We figured out a very good schedule and finally got time to just be with the boys all alone. My wife and I decided to do what most parents do and NOT have a nanny when we went out Lol We lasted 2 hours. It’s just easier with a nanny or two. We tried. I realize how completely spoiled we are now and I just don’t know how we will mange without my 3 wonderful helpers. It’s going to be rough.

We took the boys to 2 places. A toy shop. They were allowed to pick out a few things and we picked out a few extra things so we can donate them to the Children’s Hospital. We went to the Children’s Museum and that was a really cool place. My boys are more into seeing things and just observing. Heston was the only one that wanted to go touch things. Alex stayed in my arms most of the way. When I put him down he just clung to me. Heston got himself a little girlfriend named Nina who followed him all over. It was hilarious. He tried to share something with her but she just took it away from him and he left us all know that was not cool Lol It really was funny.

We hung out at Navy Pier most of today. It really is a huge place and if you have never been to it you need to check it out. So much to do if you don’t mind a face full of wind. I really liked taking the boys around this weekend. We have been doing our best to balance being at home and taking them out. The weather has been pretty cool lately. Nice, sunny, cloudy some days. Hotter than usual. Not bad to be outdoors most days. I’ve taken my dog for nice long walks in the morning and the evening. We have a route we stay on and he really enjoys the time alone together.

My wife is growing our baby and doing a great job. She did eat pizza tonight but that’s fine. She can eat anything she wants as long as she is okay and the baby is too. She doesn’t want to get fat. I thought you did want to get fat during a pregnancy but she said it’s harder to take it off after a baby. Okay. I can’t wait to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl. All exciting stuff.

Speaking of that, we are leaving for Dublin this coming week. A whole week away. What are ya’ll going to do without me! I asked Lindsay to update my page if anything new happens and she said no. She doesn’t care. I said fine. I will just update it when I get back. I try to write a little each night after my boys are asleep. I want to document all I can remember about the trip. If I don’t get time I just try to remember it all and write it out later.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I have a trip early in the morning so I won’t get time to update. That’s why I’m doing it now.

Have a great work week. God loves you and I love ya’ll too!

Soul to Life – The Beginning

Close your eyes

I was born in a breath and I will die in a breath. In between, I must live fully. For years I’ve been going about my day. Nothing has really brought me into an awareness that I needed more in my life. Until now. I have been writing this book in my head for about 20 years. I have always been a seeker of things. I love life, but I have become stagnant to it. I feel like I’m no longer growing as I did when I was in school. I’m not challenging myself, I’m not being challenged. I am just…here. If you are reading this you have some common thoughts.

Let me be honest. I do not have the answers to your life. I only have the answers to mine, whether I recognize them or not. My goal is to provide you with the words I need to share in hopes that one thing I say may inspire you to shift all of your energy, love, and perception to a higher level. I want to wake you up just as I want to be awoken. What I am offering to you I am also offering myself. You and I, my new friend, are in this together now. As long as you are reading this I have your attention. I promise you I am going to make the most of our time together. When this book ends you will feel better. Your problems won’t go away, your broken heart won’t heal and your bills won’t be paid. I promise you will understand yourself more. You will begin to question yourself more. This is not going to change your whole life. It’s going to change mine. I am your guide into my journey. Together we will see where this takes us. Your thoughts will formulate on the things I say to you here. From that, your inspiration will begin to cook and bake. You will end up with something so delicious even your soul will feel it. I promise.

So close your eyes for a few seconds and prepare yourself for this. Give yourself a moment of silence and get ready. This is going to be fun, emotional, compelling, and necessary. You have to finish this book now that we have begun. Not to satisfy a curiosity. For yourself. This is the one thing you may have done all for yourself in a while. Give yourself permission to breath. Then relax.

Ready?

You know nothing

You don’t know anything at all about your life. You may know the basics but there is so much more you have yet to learn about yourself. Just as I don’t know anything about my life either. So we are in this together. I know that I am male. I know my years are 43 and counting. I know I am a human being and I know what color my hair and eyes are. I know my height and weight. I know I can walk, lift up things, speak, think, and feel. These are all I know about myself. I am constantly changing. Are you? Yesterday I described the sky as big. Today I describe it as blue. Am I wrong?

Which is right? If both are right, how am I ever wrong? We tell ourselves descriptive terminology when it comes to how we define ourselves. We are completely wrong. Your soul has not lived this long for you to fail it so deeply. We all should be ashamed of ourselves to ever try to categorize who we are by adjectives. I am tall, yes. I am male, yes. I am a commercial real estate investor. What? Now we are starting to define ourselves by our careers? How bold am I to think that is all I am.

You do not belong on a list of things. You belong to a natural state of being. You are undefinable. I am undefinable.

Try to understand

There are no steps to follow on your journey. I can not tell you how to live. I can not tell you if you follow my 4 basic steps to enlightenment you will finally understand everything! That’s not going to happen. What I can tell you and with all of my heart, it’s going to be okay without instructions. Let me further crush all the things you know and say you don’t need instructions. You have always lived your life as it is. You can and will continue to make the rules up for yourself as you go. You know what it best. You know what brings love and what manifests fear for you. I am going to tell you the most ridiculous thing you will ever hear about my life. In all sincerity I do find it hilarious now. Now I do. Back in the olden days I did not find it funny whatsoever. I am going to open myself up and become vulnerable to make my point. Again, I am guiding you to where I need you to go on the next path of this journey we are on. We are going to talk about chickens for a moment. Yes, chickens!

I’m deathly afraid of chickens. I wish it was a joke but it’s not. Chickens make me hyperventilate. If they come near me I run. If they make chicken sounds, I run. If I even see a chicken. I run. It is a real fear inside of me. Logically I am aware I’m 10x bigger than a chicken. Logically I am aware that the chicken is not going to attack me. It doesn’t matter. Chickens are death ninjas to me and they will flap me in the face, peck out my eyes, and scratch my skin so deep I will be permanently scarred with chicken talons. Do we see how irrational that is? Yet, I’m still afraid of them.

I understand it is a real fear to me. Are you afraid of chickens? Probably not. That’s why I have no answers for you. I stay away from chicken places simply because I do not want to die or embarrass myself by running away, well like a chicken. For me, my fear is rooted in childhood. I know that. But why am I still afraid after all of these years? That’s what I call remembrance pain. As soon as your memory is triggered on something your body, mind, and heart react. Remembrance pain is real. It puts you right back into a sensory moment of fear or other emotion. It is an attachment that you must learn to cope with or break free from. On sight, I see a chicken and I freeze. Then I run. My mind remembers that traumatic chicken attack of ’79 and my mind says Danger! Danger! My heart begins to speed up and I look to evade and escape. Completely irrational, completely silly. I know. It still doesn’t matter. I tried going to hypnotherapy once to remove the death ninja chicken scenario from my sub-conscious. What happened is I paid $150 to lay on a couch and cry about my chicken fear only to feel worse than when I came in. That did not work for me at all. What does work? I stay away from chickens. Very easy since I do not live on a farm. The concern is I am afraid of chickens. Which means 100% I will teach my children that I am afraid of chickens. In their empathy and love for me they may also begin to fear chickens. That’s the problem. I don’t want them to fear chickens. I want them to be okay around them.

My fear is real. My concept of it being silly, irrational, and probably very overdramatic is known. Yet here I am. Standing in my truth that chickens are death ninjas to me. You are not afraid of chickens (You should be!) and I’m happy for you. Let us explore what 1 of your fears are.

What do you fear in life?

Maybe it’s death? Maybe you fear being alone forever? Maybe you fear a child passing away before you? There are all common things and great answers. But the person that is also reading this book right now may not have the same answers. I promise you as life has gone on your fears have changed. Think about it. You may have been scared of dogs as child. Now you own 2 and are fine. What transition did you get to in your life where that fear was gone? Did someone make you pet or hold a dog? Did the fear suddenly go away when you saw and met a friendly dog? Replacement is a great way for you to replace your fear with love. Your fears have been feeding your ego your entire life. Your fear has replaced things you may not even realize you like or love. You have let fear guide you. It is the exact same as I am guiding you through my book. Fear showed up, said this is Danger! Danger! You believed it and you stopped doing whatever it was that caused the fear to manifest. You are letting fear dictate your life. Is that how you want to live? Listen, I do the same thing. We are in this together. Don’t forget that part. Let’s talk this out. Fear gives you no rewards. It actually steals things from you. Fear let you not talk to the cute girl at a party. Fear let you not go ask for a raise even when you know you truly deserved it. Fear made you not make that I’m sorry phone call that you regret. Fear left you at a bus stop and took off years ago. And where are you? Still at the bus stop waiting for a ride. Do not do that to yourself anymore. It is a declarative sentence now because I hit the bold button by accident and I like it now so I’m not going to fix it. Do not do that to yourself anymore! Fear is an ending to something you want. It’s not a bridge to cross. Fear stops life. You can reach a center point where you feel like you are fearless and you can overcome. Human beings by nature are survivalist. Look at all our evolutionary accomplishments. Yet, fear has always stopped us from moving forward. Why do we let it? For me, fear shocks even me when it comes up in my life. I don’t recognize it at first then I think, oh yes, that’s what that feeling is. I don’t like it. Fear is an undershirt to your body armour. The longer the wear it the less warm you will feel. You can not change from a place of fear to a place of love overnight. Why not start to see fear as not a barrier, but a hurdle.

Welcome to the beginning of nothing

You are here so that’s a great start. Your mind is slowly opening to what I am saying to you. You are awake and aware. Now it’s time to really see where your thoughts can take you. You are at the beginning of nothing. You will end up with nothing. But it’s the messages in between that I pray you will focus on. What kind of thoughts are you already coming up with? We have talked about fears. Did you think about what you are fearful of? Keep in mind there are all different levels of fears. That is why I am trying to tell you there are no instructions on your spiritual life. You are more connected to yourself than you realize. Your body reacts to your mind’s perceptions. Your mind’s perceptions make your heart react. Your heart impacts all of the sensory perceptions of your body. Everything you do, from soul to life, is connected. Everything. And guess what? When your soul leaves your body, it goes on forever. It takes with you everything you became on Earth. You carry it with you into your next energy. Please don’t think I’m trying to speak as if I know. I don’t know. I’m speaking on my experiences and my own ideas. I do know that we all die someday. I pray for you it’s many, many years ahead. I also pray for myself on that one too.

When you die what happens to your soul?
Where does it go?
Does it immediately leave your body or does it stick around until you ascend?
And by ascending what does that mean?

The clarity of it all

I don’t know. I mean I can spend the next few pages talking about my own beliefs but that’s not why you are here. You are here so I can guide you through my life and we can see what inspires your thoughts from it. That’s all. I don’t know what is going to happen when I die. I know legally, my businesses, homes, assets, and debits will all be taken care of. I have a will prepared. I know my children will be taken care of for the rest of their lives. I imagine the moment I die, a bright light will shoot down and I will fly up to the sky? With all of my heart, I really don’t know that answer. I wish I did. But then again, I wish I didn’t. I don’t think I want to know what happens to me. I would like to believe in what the teachings I have learned are all correct. Live a good Earthly life and seek the Heavenly rewards. Right? Do I believe I will move into a brand new house in Heaven on Samuel Lane, where all of my relatives will greet me and gather? Will we all still be watching the Cubs play from Heaven or can I just jump on a cloud and watch the game right over the stadium? (For free) I know, that I don’t know. I admit that.

Why are you sitting through life?

What do you do when you are having a bad day? I want to crawl in bed and sleep it away but that’s not going to help anything. I want to not talk to anyone or go anywhere. Again, not helping. Now that I’ve learned better, when I am having a bad day I go outside. Being outside helps my mood immediately. If it’s cold I go out for a deep breath and come back in refreshed. If it’s nice out I will sit outside for a while and just clear my head. If it’s raining, I will change clothes and go out in the rain. Rain doesn’t hurt you, so many people try to avoid it. My point is when you are having a bad day that’s the time to really get active. Do something, go somewhere, talk to someone, anything. Sitting in your sadness promotes longevity deeper into the abyss. Don’t do that. Find a new thought and go explore it. You can get yourself out of a bad mood. No one has ever died from a bad mood. It’s impossible to stay unhappy forever. There are far too many positive and interesting stimuli around that will change your perception.

I keep using that word perception because it’s a great way for you to realize you are both an internal and an external being. Your moods reflect your body posture. Your current activity level reflects your mood. When we have had a bad day do we want to go hit it hard at the gym or sit on the couch with a pizza and tv? See what I mean. Your perception will change at the dawn of a new thought. I remember helping a friend move out of her apartment after a breakup with her boyfriend. She cried the whole time. When we finally got all of her stuff put in storage I asked what’s next. She said I’m going to go dancing tonight, drop me off at my friend’s house. Just like that she was over it. She had cried it out and felt ready to move forward. How amazing is the human spirit that you can rise up so quickly after a fall. It’s great.

Let’s go CUBS x 3

Baseball is on my mind at the start of September. The cubs are looking great! I really hope this is the year. Been a fan for a long time and I know this team is special. I have tickets for 3 games this month. I’m pretty excited. Tomorrow it’s our boys day at the ballpark. We are taking Brandi with us. Because I’m not too sure about John or Josh holding my boys in case something happens. Cam will be fine he gets right in there. The other 2 kind of make me nervous and I know they will want beers so I don’t want my boys smelling Bud Light the whole game if someone needs to help me. Brandi is excited to join us. I told her I will be taking care of both of the boys the entire game but if I need some help that’s when I will ask for it. I’m not planning on taking up all of her time. I’m looking up what I can and can’t bring into the ballpark. I’m guessing now car seat and stroller Lol Which would make life a lot easier but that’s fine. I plan on holding one of them the entire time. If not both for a little while. I have their outfits already picked out. I put their names on the back of their jerseys because I’m a dork like that. And of course I have a matching one that says Dad Lol I’m so excited! I hope the weather holds up. That’s my only concern.

Work is going great. Nothing new to report on that. Just very busy.

Life is quiet just how I like it. And a few minor annoyances got taken care of. So far things are going really well. We are staying in town this weekend. The girls wanted a city weekend. I guess they have tickets for some show tonight. And shopping sales tomorrow. I don’t get it. I love to shop but lately I’m all about Amazon.com. I am a Prime member and I love it. My items arrive a lot faster than they are scheduled to.

I’m also enjoying Zappos.com. Great deals and a huge selection for my sizes. I like it all. Having  a great time going through stuff on my Ipad at night.

I’m eating very well this summer. My vegan cook books are giving me inspiration as well as a creative outlet. It’s been a lot of fun trying new foods. Although some of my recipes are just plain crap. If I won’t eat it, you know it’s bad. I’m not very picky.

Swim lessons are going great. They love it. I love it. We have a lot of good quality time in the pool. I’ve made some friends with the moms. I’m the only dad in there. And of course I love sucking in my stomach before I jump in the pool Lol I’m still in great shape but I’m starting to get hair in weird places. I guess that’s my age. I was told by 3 of the mom they are not a fan of my beard. When I showed up without they said it was much better. Again, my summer beard had haters. Oh well. They like my new haircut. I told them enjoy it because I change the cut every month. I like variety.

I was also told by Heather that my boys have way too much Batman clothing. Is that a real thing? As far as I know you can NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH BATMAN STUFF! I will agree the matching baby capes were a bit much but I did get a lot of great comments at the park that day.

Nice and quiet life. Family. I am really happy and things couldn’t be better. My dating life is going great. One of the women and I decided to just be friends and stop calling what we were doing dating since there was no spark at all. We continue to have lunch together once a week. She’s a great listener and she has very good advice. She also likes to tell me updates on her career and asks me what I think of her latest projects. Very proud to know her. Too bad it won’t work out but I think she is looking for a husband and I’m nowhere near that page in my book. I don’t know if marriage will ever be for me. I really like doing whatever I want with whoever I want. I keep it casual now. And it works out a lot better.

Baseball game tomorrow. Go Cubs! Hope ya’ll have a great Labor Day weekend. We are hosting a bbq up on my roofdeck. I can’t wait to have everyone over and feed the masses. It’s going to be a great party. God bless you guys and love to all of you!

I’m adopting a new perspective

As my twins are about to hit the famous 4 month mark I have realized they are teaching me how to be a parent. No book ever prepared me for the past 4 months with them. No advice from friends, no movie or tv show. Nothing. Twins are a completely different breed and if you are a parent of multiples you know exactly what I mean. You single baby families crack me up. I have used the I have twins card at least 3 times and I will be yanking it out some more because I am realizing just how different it really is to have twins. It’s special, and fun. And hard and exhausting and twice of everything. You parents with one baby, seriously, you have no idea. I mean great job raising that 1 baby of yours at a time Lol That must be sooooooooo hard on you! I haven’t slept since FEBRUARY! At least not a full night. Even when I’ve been out-of-town I get anxious and wake up. I don’t know what I need in order get myself a full night’s sleep. Well actually I do know what I need but that’s not blog material. There actually are some things I don’t write about.

I feel bad for my boys. I have more women friends than I do male friends. I am realizing that. I think it’s because I get along with women so much better than I do with guys. Guys are perplexed by me because I don’t laugh at offensive, women-hating jokes or high-five when someone does something utterly disgusting just to see what would happen. I don’t find anything like that funny or manly. I also don’t behave like a caveman with women and I do my best to not talk that much. Because I really don’t want to talk that much. I am always polite, I do use my manners and I go out of my way to be helpful. Yes I am completely engrossed in self-praise right now. I have earned it today. Today has been enlightening.

I have learned today about having sons that has provoked all kinds of new emotions and anxieties I never knew existed. I was in a deep discussion with one of my neighbors. He is a well-known psychologist as well as a former University professor. A well-respected man. He has been wanting to get a hold of me for a long time he said Lol Oh boy, we all know what that means. I cracked a lame joke and said let me hand you a blank check right now to fix me. He said that was self-deprecating and I must have an intense emotional attachment to my own version of myself. Insert fetal position, tears over my shitty childhood and the need to hug my teddy bear here. I was actually sitting on my couch at the time and had a sudden urge to sprawl out and kick up my feet but I held it in.

I said I think I love having my sons because I can identify with them. They don’t look like me at all because they are not biologically mine but I do have this sense that they understand we are all the same. The guy with the beard that pokes his head in the crib 5 times a night and makes funny faces when we first wake up, yeah, that’s him. That’s our dad. I think they get that by now. Jesus, I hope they do. I just had a mini panic attack over that one. Every time I look at my boys I wonder what I was like at 4 months old. Was I doing the things they were doing? Was my mom struggling to sleep like I am? A multitude of introspective questions come to mind for me. The truth is I did want a boy. I prayed to God please make this child a boy. Well God started laughing and said GUESS WHAT MY CHILD, I SHALL BLESS YOU ONCE AND THEN ONCE MORE, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! And here we are. Twins boys, nearly 4 months. Me = struggling.

I will have a daughter some day. I know I will because I have already “ordered her” with an adoption agency. We have started the paperwork process to get me checked out and qualified. It’s going to take 18 months up to 3 years to get a daughter for me. If I agree to take a slightly older child the time frame is less. I kind of want to space this out a little bit. I figured in 2 years I will be ready to start sitting down and looking at my options on this so that at age 3 or 4 with my boys I can say Okay, let’s bring her in now. I really feel 3 to 4 years age difference is good for me. I don’t know, I change my mind often so we will noodle that one for a while. I’m starting to feel like my daughter is more of a luxury item I pick from a catalogue rather than a blessing from God and I’m creeping myself out a little so just know I really do want a daughter, I will adopt her in the near future, and she will be a wanted, loved, and needed addition to the Cooper household.

I do understand saying the normal Oh I don’t really care what my baby is I just want him or her to be healthy, that wasn’t me. I wanted a boy. I prayed for a boy and I just knew my first-born child would be a boy. I knew it.

Then the news came it’s a boy! Yay! And there’s more news! Yayywhatt?? What news??? It’s twins Ya..WTF??? Hahaha you are so funny hahaha twins, yeah right hahahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh TWINSSSS?????? TWINS? Are you sure? Are you just playing with me? Twins? This is real? You aren’t joking? She’s having twins? I’m going to be adopting twins? But I just wanted one! How did this happen! Okay well technically I know how this happened but..twins. Okay. Okay I need to lie down. Okay I need to breathe. I’m not breathing. Why am I not breathing! Is it hot in here. I need some water. GET ME SOME WATER! Help me! TWINS! Wait what? Okay.

That was basically my internal reaction inside of my head for that moment. I wanted a boy. I have 2 boys. I already told the adoption agency I want a girl, ONE GIRL. Not 2, 3, 4, 5, whatever. I’m ordering 1 girl baby or child please. Make a note on your clip board over there, just the 1. Thanks. I strongly believe that the absence of having a girl around would imbalance my family. I think you need one of each. And if you don’t get one of each that’s okay but you spend your life doing the what if to whatever gender you don’t have. As a Catholic I do know many, many families that continue to try if they do not have a boy. Some went 8 deep before they gave up Lol Poor bastards, I hit a boy on the first pull of the parenting slot machine Lol Go figure.

Can we now talk about the new trend of gender neutral toys? I for one will never buy my sons a toy gun to play with. They will not be allowed in my home. I do not own a gun. I sold them all years ago. Do I like guns? Yes. A little too much actually. I love the mechanics of them and I love how powerful I feel with a gun in my hand. I also know that if someone broke into my home in the middle of the night I would shoot first, ask questions later and that’s when I decided I do not want to shoot anyone. I had a complete change of everything when I returned home from the military. I was very proud to serve my country but not at all proud of my job duties. I was in fact ashamed. So the last thing I wanted to be around ever again was a gun. Sold them all and everything I had. I will never own another gun. I do like going to gun shows. I do like seeing a gun video where you get to see how the gun reacts when fired. All guns react differently. I probably would be a huge gun enthusiast if I hadn’t had such a negative military experience. These toy guns, I’m sorry but they look real. They look more real than they should. I get toy guns are fun, play with them bang-bang. I get it. And I know at some point my boys will be over at a friend’s house playing with toy guns. That’s for them to experience outside of my home. So these gender neutral toys, they just confuse me. What is it that I’m supposed to learn? I played with GI Joe dolls. I got a marker and painted black strips under both eyes like a football player and cut his hair into a mohawk because I thought that looked tough and cool. I was a moron. I also strapped him onto a papersack and flung him from various trees because he was parachuting into battle Lol Some of these toys just don’t make any sense to me. Have we really gotten to the point where toys need to be identified as nongendered? I know a lot of girls that love Legos. They can sit there just as long as boys do and build stuff. I also know boys that really enjoy playing house. You know those giant model homes with furniture and all kinds of accessories. It’s fun. So I do not buy my boys gender neutral toys. I do get them boy stuff and as soon as they are a little older and can pick out their own toys I will take them to the boys and girls sections and ask them what interests them to play with. Whatever the toy is that’s what we’ll buy. I think that’s the only way I can compensate for not having a mom in their life to teach them about girl stuff and how to play with girl toys. Thank goodness for my nannies because I’m already worried about screwing up my kids because they have no mom.

Enough of that. So I told my neighbor, the psychologist, I really think my boys will become mini versions of me. Because they will only have me to shadow and learn from. I hope to create two little souls that are better than me, more kind, more loving, and give them opportunities that I lacked growing up. I also believe I will be a much better parent than I had and maybe that will heal up some of my childhood wounds. I hope to remove any and all obstacles that I had growing up from their lives and I will see myself through them. I can get this right by doing it different from I know. You know better, you do better. Great motto for raising kids.

As a new first time parent I feel somewhat intuitive with my boys. I can tell when one is about to let off or when one is about to need a new diaper. I can tell when one is full and I can tell when that burp was not enough, there’s another one right behind it. I am so hands on with my boys I can now tell them apart by their cries. It did take me a while but I have it now. There is a slight pitch change and length of cry that differentiates the two. I did have a huge Uh Oh moment during bath time when I couldn’t remember who was who early on. I felt like shit too. I had to ask Sarah which one is this one. It was the first and last time I ever did that. She laughed and told me the trick she was using to tell them apart. They are identical. They look exactly the same the only difference was their cheeks. Heston was chubs, Alex wasn’t eating well so his cheeks weren’t as full. As soon as she told me that I began to notice and it got easier. Now that they are both eating great and the exact same size I still have to look at them really close to tell them apart. But I can do it. Could you imagine if my dumbbutt inadvertently switched them at some point early on and was calling them by the wrong names the rest of their lives Lol That would be heartbreaking. Neither of my boys have birthmarks or anything that would identify them which I thought was great but Sarah said on the Safer Kids website it’s a nightmare to register your kids who don’t have any type of mark. I said let’s get them a small tattoo each to make it easier and she just looked at me like I was crazy. No I would never get my baby tattooed, but that would in fact help us out here. Even just a small little black dot on one of them? No no, dumb idea!

I have never been a father that did not know what to do with my babies once they arrived. I have not just pitched in every single day, I have taken over completely and created a physical bond with them. I even used to feed them with my shirt off and hold the bottle close so they could feel my heartbeat and feel connected to me. My baby doctor at the hospital took me aside and gave me 4 or 5 really great pieces of advice since I was going home without the mom. I have never depended on my nannies fully when I am at home to take over and do it for me. I am not that guy. In fact we have had more arguments of them wanting to help me as I struggle to take care of both of my boys at the same time. Feeding them can be challenging. I’m one guy with 2 hands and 2 mouths to feed simultaneously. It’s not easy. We finally figured out how to do it and I have mastered it by now but it was not easy. I do the lion’s share of my child raising. I do the cleaning, the laundry the feedings, the holding, the playing. All of it. No one can ever say I was a lazy dad and I just called it in. My nannies are here to support me. To help me out. Not to raise my kids. I believe I’ve said that a few times on here. I hired them to help me out. They watch them when I am working or on trips. I make sure I have more than enough coverage especially when I am out-of-town and so far it’s worked out great. That’s why I have 3 nannies. To make sure Sarah does not get burned out at all and to make sure I have at least one on call nanny 24/7. That’s the agreement, it’s in the contracts they all signed and they get paid for being “on call” even if we don’t need them. It’s a small amount but it’s still in there.

I don’t think I am going to be the kind of dad to bond with my kids over a 3rd thing. Like sports or computers or anything like that. I want to sit down one on one with each or both and really connect. I don’t even watch tv. I don’t think I am going to allow much tv time. And the internet Hahahahahhahah Nooooooooo way. Not until they are 40! Just kidding. By the time they are in school there will probably be internet helmets that can process information at the speed of sound and print out your homework just by shifting your eyes to the print icon on the eye receptacle. Who knows what it will be like. I just know that internet at my house may get shut off as soon as my boys hit puberty Lol Can you imagine if we all had the internet at that age? It makes me want to Windex my laptop keyboard here just thinking about it, yuck. And I can’t even imagine what kids these days look up online. I just don’t even want to know. There is no more mystery on things. You Google it if you want to see something. Or your friends at age 8 wipes out a smartphone and says here that’s what a coo coo looks like Lol I will shield my boys as long as I can until one of them says how come we don’t have a smartphone. How come we don’t have the internet at home? How come Billy gets an Ipad 20 and I don’t have one! I want my boys to experience life, not Google it. I want to keep things a mystery until they reach the age they discover it on their own.

I’m also not the dad that will need to constantly prove my masculinity around my boys. We will play sports together but I’m not going to strut my superiority on dunking a basketball right in their faces, ever. I will always want it to be fun. If sports are not fun or my kids don’t enjoy it we won’t play. I will never force my kids to get in there, or suck it up, or walk it off. No. I think letting them develop their own athleticism as well as decide what sport or no sport is what they want to do, that’s okay. I actually prefer my boys go the opposite direction and fall in love with books like I did. I prefer if they are musical or scholarly. I prefer they use their personality and their brains rather than their bodies to have to prove themselves. That being said I will sign them up for sports. Just to see if they like it. If they don’t, done. We are already signed up for swimming lessons. That’s because I have a pool. All of my nannies are taking the swim lessons with us because I need them to really know how to save my babies from drowning just in case. I have a pool. I want my babies to be in the pool, I need us all to learn what to do. I am a great swimmer and I am certified in baby CPR, adult CPR and about 6 other things you can take at the Red Cross for $25/certification. I think we will be okay because I have noticed all of us watch the babies very, very closely. Even when we had that almost diaper rash issue back in March of ’16 Lol We all talked about it incessantly until it cleared up.

I do not want to turn my sons into my friends. I want my sons to be my children. I think a lot of parents do that. Particularly single parents or uumm Single Feeling parents 😉 do that with their kid or kids. I want to be there for them and let them know they can talk to me about anything. But I don’t want to guy it up all of the time so they feel like they have no father. That’s not my role in their life. I am to teach them by my example. They are looking at me every minute I am around them. My goodness what a huge responsibility this is. They are going to see me take care of them myself. Not depend on someone else to do it. They are going to model my behavior with strangers and show compassion to people who are struggling in life. The one thing I really do hope I pass on through teaching them is that being kind matters. It just does. You never forget someone who was nice to you for no reason. It imprints itself on you for the rest of the day.

Believe it not I don’t feel it’s my job to do man things with my boys. I believe if they have a curiosity towards anything I will teach them if they want. I don’t think me teaching them how to shave or me teaching them to pee their names in the snow is a guy thing. I think it’s a dad thing. Because women have to teach their daughter how to shave their legs and armpits. And they could technically teach them how to write their names in the snow if they ran around and well anyway. I don’t want to toughen up my kids. I don’t want them to shake something off. I want to know why they are upset and what happened. What can I do or what do you need. That’s what I am more interested in here.

Let me say this journey I am on, look the heck out world. I am learning so much about myself here. It’s great! I am not sitting around boo-hooing (Anymore) about what happened to me and how unfair it was. I’m doing my work. I have to. No one is going to do my work for me. I am really looking at my life, I am putting up boundaries with people and I am enjoying getting to know myself, all over again. I do have to live with myself and all of my words and decisions. I might want to start being a lot more responsible with my actions. That way I have something to be proud of when all of this crazy stuff finally goes away.

I know life is not predictable. Every day things change. And I love that. I love how busy I am. I love that feel of accomplishment. I just wish I would stop beating myself up. I know I am a good guy. I know I am nice. I know I am sweet. I just hope my boys know it someday too. I hope they know that if it came down to it I would absolutely lay down my life for either one of them and protect them at all costs because they are the loves of my life. Not some silly woman, not some Range Rover sport or my new airplane. Them. My boys. They are my entire heart and I chose to love them into my life.

Adoption is awesome!

Adult content being loaded

maxresdefault  All anyone had to do was apologize to me. I’m not asking them to take ownership, you don’t even have to make a public one. Just a simple I’m sorry would have stopped all of this. The blog would be cleaned up, the voicemails gone, photos, deleted. Everything gone. But nope. That’s not what happened so I’m going to finish this.
I was trying to think of how to announce that. Pretty funny. We are building the page for the last 102 voicemails. A lot of them are very sexually graphic. As well as the texts that go along with it. And some other things, photos, voice memo messages. It’s the rest of the story. You may have noticed there are big holes in the story where a lot of weeks were left out. There was a reason for that. That’s when our sex life was the most active. That’s why I left it off of there.
Right now it’s going to be password protected while Lindsay gets it loaded up. She works for about an hour then gets bored so this may take a day or two to get on here. It’s all uploaded it’s only a matter of sticking it somewhere. Because of the content my lawyers (Who said don’t post it) said at the least put it under a password protection area with an adult content warning. So that’s what she is building. When it’s ready I will do a blog with the password and warn you all about the adult content within that section.

 Rated R