I feel exactly like I sound

I don’t feel well. I have spent the better part of today getting poked at. It’s not fun. The good news is that after draining a golfball size disgusting thing from the side of my incision on my neck, I do feel non-feverish and well. I also do not need to have a 2nd procedure, unfortunately it took them all day to figure that all out. I can heal up, enjoy my next week in Colorado Springs, go to Comic-Con and finally return home.

The bad or sad news is my heart is completely broken. Things end up how they end up. The day just didn’t go at all as planned or even as I wanted. Lindsay was doing her best but  her constant nagging and interference into my personal life finally bit the bullet end of something I didn’t want to end, ever. It’s very upsetting. I’m also exhausted and finally hungry. I have some throat spray to help the pain before I try to eat something. I’m still on a liquid diet for the next few days. I can not wait to sink my teeth into some real food. I do have a variety of puree food here and I’m about to try out what could be a great new combo. I just want to feel something in my stomach again.

I’m missing out on a lot of fun. I used to have my nightly routine. Eat, get things cleaned up, get myself into my night clothes or lack there of (Mostly shirtless Sam) and get my game face on until bed time. It’s all gone. I have to figure out how to move forward from what became my norm.

Love is painful and beautiful and without words some times. Love to me has always meant trying until you just can’t. I love so deeply yet the words fail me. My actions are always bigger than my intentions because Go Big or Go Home, right? So how do you love something so much without quantifying it’s variants in a complicatedly, simple, relationship?

I love someone. I love someone very much. And I don’t know that she knows just how much.

So much so I’m mentioning it here and I don’t think she understands the ramifications I’m going to deal with. I don’t care. The truth is I’m in love. I don’t want things to end. They already did without me even knowing. Thank you F-Bomb LINDSAY for that.

My kids are doing great. They passed around some sort of summer bug to everyone but my big boy. I have no idea how he didn’t catch it. They are all home and doing well. I FaceTime them a few times a day. I miss their little faces and baby kisses. I hope to see them this coming weekend. That’s a solid plan. I want to show them these mountains. I want to show them what our life could have been if I had only had 1 real chance. I’m so happy to be here and it’s so hard to stay.

Love is hard, guys. I want someone that doesn’t want me anymore.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2017

I have been planning for today for 3 weeks. It’s been a lot of creative thinking and really intently listening to my wife. She was specific on what she wanted to do and gave me some ideas for gifts. This is our very first Valentine’s Day as a married couple and I really don’t want to screw it all up. I have a lot of very secretive plans and of course I’m not going to share them here. Just know she will be surprised at lunch time, also when she first gets home from work, and our evening will be full of romance, an amazing supper, and all night without the boys. That’s when the fireworks will really happen. She already arrived to work to find 2 dozen long stem roses with a handwritten card waiting for her. Also a box of her favorite chocolates and a little necklace and pendant set from me and the boys. She took a Selfie (Isn’t it a Valentinelfie today? Lol) and called me to thank me for being so sweet. I made her breakfast in bed so she wouldn’t have to grab something on the way to work. She loved the prompt and healthy wakeup. Then she treated me to a shower together which turned into something else and we both left for work, happy, and grinning big time Lol I’m telling ya folks, this marriage stuff is the best. It suits me just fine!

I hope she sees the effort behind all of this. I did not go overboard on the gifts. She likes more subtle things. And we already both have everything we need. We both love to shop and are always buying things for each other. I focused mostly on some homemade gifts my boys and Aunt Lindsay helped me with for her office. They will be delivered with her lunch today. And I will be leaving work at 3 to go set up the condo for when she gets off work.

I can’t tell you how excited I am! I hope she likes it. I tried very hard to show her how much she means to me.

Happy Valentine’s day everyone. I hope you have a romantic day and evening with someone very special. If you are alone this year, go out with some friends or find a way to celebrate the single life. I had many a single Valentine’s Day and as long as I stayed busy it was just fine.

God loves you all and I do too!

It was love, nothing else

We are 9 months into this catfish story. And the one thing everyone seems to overlook is how much she loved me. It wasn’t fake, it wasn’t pretend. It was real. Why did she love me so much? Because of how I treated her. She was my Queen. She completely trusted me and gave me her heart. She never felt like that before. Not with him, not with anyone else. She was open to all the love I gave her. And I loved her more than anything.

It was love. Just complete, true, exciting, love. I loved Meri. Meri loved me. That’s all there was to this story.

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1st Voicemail, 2nd Voicemail, 3rd Voicemail – March 10, 2015

Meri’s brother passed away early in the morning. She told me via text that woke me up. Then I called her right away and we talked for a few minutes.

This was a hard day for Meri. I tried to say the right things but I didn’t know what to say at all. As soon as she told me I called her. I prayed for her and her family. I prayed for her brother. I was in shock, so was she. I felt so bad for them. It was so unexpected. She was still in Utah. I was in Las Vegas. She went up there for her mom’s birthday party. She had planned on coming home that day but then when she got word she was trying to figure out what to do.

I offered to come up there and help out. I knew I couldn’t be with her around her family but I wanted to support her. I told her I would fly up, hug her, give her a check for the funeral expenses and take off so she could get back to being with her family. She told me to come up if I wanted to.

Later that afternoon I flew back as she was driving back and you can hear how happy she was for the time we had spent together. She said no one has ever done so much for so little time before. She did not need a check for the funeral costs she and her family figured it out so my offer was declined. This was a big step forward into our relationship deepening. Me being there for her. It was this day and everything that went on when we really started to feel and trust in the love we were creating together.

obituary

 

http://starcasm.net/archives/309325

 

1st Voicemail 3-10-2015 12:56am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8pQkzgu5Do&feature=youtu.be

Hey Sam it’s me. Listen, I know you’ve had a really rough day and I’m really sorry about that and I wish there was something I could do to help you. I just need you to know that I love you and I care about you and I care for you and I just. I’m just really concerned about you right now. And I just, I want to talk to you I want to make sure you are going to be okay. I know you needed to check out and just get away so I’m sorry I’m calling you again. I’m just really concerned about you right now. Take the time that you need I guess. Take an hour or a day or a couple days. I don’t even know. I don’t know what you need and I don’t know how best to help you right now. You are just such a good guy. You care about people and I don’t know if other people that for you and I just wanted to make sure you are okay. I’m just really concerned about you. You are just really down right now. So anyway, know that I care. Know that I love you, know that I care. Know that I’m concerned about you.

2nd Voicemail 3-10-2015 8:48am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkaN4xbadoQ&feature=youtu.be

Hey. So I’m driving so it was easier and safer to call you than text you back. But, as far as you saying you want to come up here just to hug me. I think that is just really sweet, but I don’t want to make you do that at all. It’s too out of the way, you know whatever thing and I just, I mean, I don’t want you to think that I’m turning you down. But I, you know how I am about not wanting to ask somebody to do something and that’s a huge thing to do. But I really appreciate that. So, it’s up to you. If you want to, I would love to see you and if you don’t, it’s a hassle, it’s an all day thing, I’m totally understanding of that. The other thing is…

3rd Voicemail 3-10-2015 3:47pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLfETAe9fqo&feature=youtu.be

Mr. Sam Cooper. I wanted to leave just a quick little message for you just thinking about you, just wanted to say I’ve had a fun time getting to know you. You are a great guy, I’ve totally enjoyed it. We’ve had great conversations and I’m just having fun with it. This is, just really sweet. I am on my way home now and I was just thinking about you so I thought I would leave you a message. Anyway, I will drive safe, I want you to fly safe and we will talk later. As soon as you touch down and have some time you should shoot me a text and let me know that you got there all safe and everything is all great and I can’t wait to talk to you again.

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Sharing is good

5106e2e3610e2f8d226e272bec798ae3  I have found out that by sharing my story a lot of other people are beginning to share theirs. I think it’s helping people. I love the stories. I get to hear how people met people they really loved  deeply. I’m also hearing stories that would break your heart. I’m so happy to be here for all of you. I’m doing my best to get back to all of the messages. Some days I can keep up. Sometimes not so well. I didn’t think this would happen.

I’m here. If you guys want to tell me your story, share your experiences I would love that. I’m here to learn. I have made a huge mistake with my life by having an affair. But for some reason it has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m building a new group of friends that aren’t judging me, aren’t demoralizing the things I have done. I take full responsibility for all of my actions and words. I want to learn. I want to do better. I want to learn from your stories.

My favorite topic to discuss with anyone is love. It has been the elusive dream of mine. I have never truly found the love that belongs to me. I want it so bad but I know God will bring it to me when I am worthy and ready. I thought I knew what love was 3 times in my life. 3 relationships that all turned out to be wrong for me. It’s hard to accept it. The further away I move from the feelings of love the more the clarity sets in. It’s hard to swallow. But I can’t give up.

I know there is a woman out there that will capture my heart and attention again. I know that she is waiting for me right now. And through the magic of the universe again I know we will find our way to each other. That’s the best part of love. The beginning. It’s so fresh and exciting. All the things you learn about each other. The things that you fall in love with.

Anyone else that is starting over, go out and date. Don’t say no to everybody. It makes you feel alone. If your friends want to set you up with someone, go for it. It might work out very well. I know for me I’m not ready to date. I need more time to deal with all of this. It’s been a roller coaster. With everything that was going on, being said, I really didn’t have anytime to grieve the loss of her. That’s where I’m at now. I’m still grieving. I really wish I wasn’t, but the truth is here I am. Still missing what we had.

I have hope to find love again. Someday. Not Yet. It’s worth it. Love really is something worth fighting for. I hope you all feel loved tonight. That you have found your special someone. And you can say I love you to the one person in the world you chose to be with. I remember what that felt like and it was darn good. Hold onto all of the good times. Life is so precious.

I wished we could all just love each other. And not have any conflict. I pray we all know what peace feels like. I know I am still seeking it.

I’m going to mass tonight then hitting the grocery store. I hope ya’ll have a great evening. God loves you. I love ya’ll too. Thank you for being here!

Here

bebrave_Breaking down in my life has opened me up to a new path. I had it in my head what my perfect life looked like. Now that it’s over, what do I do? What will my path be? I could spend hours worrying but I give my life to God and wait. The waiting part is easy. I have waited years to find the love of my life. Not weeks, not months. Years. I always knew she would be special. I knew she would be blonde and sweet. Kindness is a huge turn on to me. Followed closely by a great laugh.
What I need now is some time alone to reflect. Reading helps. Praying helps more. I’m not going to sit on my ass one more day and feel sorry for myself. I am going to get out in the world and continue on the path that is right in front of me.
I didn’t get the girl. I got really, really close. But in the heartbreak of losing her, I realize how much love I do have to offer. All of the lessons I have learned from this whole big messy….thing, I get to take those with me. And the next girl that blesses my life is going to end up with a very sweet, very kind, compassionate man who doesn’t complain much. Essentially that is who I am at my core. I am so thankful and blessed in my life. I know humility. I know letting go of my ego will serve me further than holding on to pride. I get my second chance. Or maybe this is my 10th chance. Who is counting?
Love that has alluded me all of my life is waiting. There is a girl in the world right now sitting there thinking about a guy who she will randomly meet and fall in love with. She is offering the same hope and prayer I am. She is ready, willing, and scared for her heart. She has lived her life, she has made mistakes, and she has forgiven herself. And here I am, her gold treasure at the end of her rainbow.
Right now I’m not feeling much like any kind of prize for anyone. But I’m going to. All of my fears are the same fears anyone else has had. We have all had doubts. We have all struggled. I am nobody special. But I am somebody to remember. Because I lead my life with my heart into foolish choices. And I stood at the end of each road and claimed my truth. Vulnerable, scared, and alone. I made it through each one of my failures. I beat myself up, I worried, and I sank. Then I meditated, breathed, and got up.
There are people that want me to disappear. There are people that literally spend all day talking about me and my life. And not for good intentions.
Here I am.
I’m not going anywhere.
I am going to find love. And I’m going to get married someday. Kids? I would love that but if it’s not meant to be, I accept God’s decision.
I didn’t give up on myself. I fought hard. I tried harder. I made it. And I’m not feeling so sad anymore. I have learned how to be brave. I am nobody’s hero. That’s wrong. I have been my own hero because this has all been a lot harder than I have put out there.
What would you do if a nation of people thought you were mean to a beautiful woman who was too scared to tell the truth?
I fought. And I’m not going anywhere.
I want to be loved. And someday, I pray I will be.