Looking for Love

looking_for_love_by_marii85In my experience love shows up the moment God wants it to. If you go out looking for love, you will find it. But it will be the wrong kind of love. I have had a few relationships in my life. One with Lisa, who I met when I was a freshman in high school. She was my first everything. We dated until we graduated college and I told her I was joining the Marines. We broke things off because I didn’t feel it was fair we try to stay together while I was going to be away so long. 8 years later I came back home and she was single. We started right back where we left off. We moved in together, shared worship at Church, and tried to reconnect but it wasn’t the same. I loved her but I had grown, changed into a new version of what she knew. So we struggled. Then we found out she was pregnant. We weren’t meant to have children yet. The moment she told me I was totally shocked then I scooped her up and fell madly in love with our baby. We found out we were having a son. MY SON. And I couldn’t have been happier.

What happened after is that we again struggled to find ourselves. I felt that I loved her, because she was all I knew about women. In the 8 years away I stayed faithful to my commitment to her. It just felt like the right thing to do. I never dated, or anything else with anyone. I was too busy working on myself and working in my job assignment. I guess I had a romantic notion that I would come back to the States, knock on her door and she would instantly fall in love with me. But in reality that didn’t happen. She felt safe with me. I treated her very nicely. And what I found out years later is that she hadn’t been treated nicely by men while we were apart. She claimed she was faithful to me and I believed her. It was not the truth and that part surprised me but I accepted it. Why would anyone wait 8 years for me?

We got engaged because of family pressure. We had talked about marriage before but for some reason I would never take that step. That was God telling me she wasn’t My One. But when you know someone for so many years you tell yourself these stories about faith and love and how you should do something. What you should do is listen to your own heart and mind and pray for answers. People change. Relationships change and it hurts. Let me tell you. When I look back now I can clearly see where the problems were. We were not honestly communicating with each other. I was working, I came home and I did what she told me to do. I just handled her to do list. We would go to bed and have intimate times but not like I wanted. I’m sure not like she wanted to. It was just doing what a couple is supposed to do. I wasn’t creating love and finding the pureness of our devotion. Eventually we stopped being intimate and I just tried to take care of her and the baby the best I could.

Then she was in an accident. When Lisa was 7 months pregnant she was hit head on by a drunk driver. The baby and Lisa were killed instantly. It devasted me to the darkest level. I could not believe that happened to her and our son. I still can’t. I struggled to accept she was really gone. I felt myself living a life waiting for her to walk through the door. I went into thearpy and probably lost my mind. I was a functioning anger monster. I was so pissed that God would do that. I didn’t understand anything anymore and moving on was just not an option for me. I went into robot mode. I went to work and went home. Eventually I started hanging out with my friends again but nothing was the same. Dating was not an option. I was not in a place where I could let my heart move forward. It took 10 years before I was even really ready to try to date again.

In those ten years I had time to figure out what it was I really wanted for a wife. I wrote this list and put it in my wallet and told myself when you meet the right girl I can take it out. For me I was manifesting my greatest love. I put all of my beliefs and faith in God to let love find me. And that’s what you have to do in life. You end relationships and it hurts. No matter the circumstances, it’s a very painful experience. But what you don’t know in that moment is that you will be okay. Because God is about to show you a greater love than you knew. Patience is not my strong point when it comes to things I want. And I wanted nothing more than a wife. Here is my list of things I narrowed down that would fit who I truly needed in my life.

1. Godly woman
2. Kind heart
3. Family oriented
4. Loves and Wants kids
5. Shares her heart with me often
6. Dreams big
7. Loves to travel and have adventures
8. Can deal with my big life
9. Allows me the courage to be me and not ask me to change
10. Loves to smile

To me, these are the most important things. They are all I need to life my life with the right woman. And I pray it’s what I have found in my current relationship. You can find love again. But don’t go looking for it. The right person is there, somewhere. Making their way to you. And when you finally feel soul connected, nurture it. Be thankful to God everyday for this love. Bless your other half with sweetness and kindness. There is no rush in finding the right kind of love. If you rush a relationship and not nurture it into a solid foundation of friendship and respect, you will regret taking your heart into a place it doesn’t belong.

I have found a wonderful woman who had chosen to spend her time with me. We are talking about marriage and kids. She has one and wants more. We are sharing our thoughts and feelings, our frustrations and misunderstandings. We are communicating. It’s hard. Let me tell you guys, talking about your feelings is like eye rolling boredom. But when you start doing it more and more, it becomes natural and it’s not a pain in the backside at all. I grow and learn from her. She is teaching me about kindness. She is so sweet. So gentle with me. Until I piss her off. Then put on a helmet Lol But the greatest lesson she taught me was to never give up. Her faith in God and in me is very strong. We are building a new kind of love. We turned a good friendship into a great relationship. And I am very happy. So is she.

God has the right person for you. Be patient and don’t go on a search. Your special someone will find you I promise you that. And when you find them, wake up in joy everyday because Love is the greatest feeling in the world!

Hope you guys have a wonderful Saturday. God loves you. I love ya’ll too!